Bootcamp Days #1-10

I am restarting my fitness journey with bootcamp. I think it's a good place to start because when I attempted bootcamp before, I got quick results and results are motivation to keep going!

• Bootcamp 40 reps alternating left leg one day and right leg the next
• GOOP Arms, Stacy Abs online clip
• Rebounder 5-15 minutes
• No dieting, instead re-learning a healthy food relationship

Day #1: In the past when I've started bootcamp I started with 20 reps on each side. However, I'm going to try something new. I don't want to do both legs each day. Instead I'm going to do just one leg per day but do 40 reps on each side. Tracy is all about pushing the large muscles to exhaustion so that the small ones kick in. Also, I just hate getting through all the reps on one side and then having the do it all over on the other side. Right now, it's too much for me mentally so I'm gonna give this a try instead. I say you have to work with your brain, and fit your circumstances to work for your life. Here we go!

Day #2: This is really hard. Really freaking hard. There are a couple moves that I just want to throw out all together but I'm not going to. It's hard to start all over, but I just have to take it one day at a time. Music helps. However, I can already feel my structure beginning to shift. The first places I see change are my shoulders and around my upper my whole lower abs/lower back region. Also, posture is slightly more lifted.

Day#3 & #4: It's so weird. Yesterday I was feeling really good about things and what I've been accomplishing as far as personal goals go. Today, I felt kinda blah. One of the bigger issues weighing on my mind is why I can't seem to identify being full. So, I just keep eating and eating waiting to feel full. I become incredibly stuffed with my belly protruding to its max, but I still don't feel full. I know I confuse anxiousness with hunger. But I can't believe how stuffed I can be and still not register in my brain as fullness. Actually, the part about it that is the most frustrating is that I've been really pushing myself in my exercises and going for it, and trying to perform, and then it feels like it gets sabotaged by this belly full of food. I'm not exaggerating when I say this, but if you saw me walking down the street in a form fitting shirt and I wasn't holding in my belly, you would literally think I was pregnant.

At the same time, I just don't want to diet, and I don't think in the long term it will behoove me to do so. I've read a couple books where the author's refused to diet anymore, and that was when they were finally able to lose weight naturally and without it being so much of a struggle. It worked out for multiple reasons, but basically when you can eat what you're craving without guilt, that forbiden allure goes away and your body learns to trust that you will no longer be deprived, so you no longer have to hoard food. I want that balance. I actually just realized that I think part of the issue is that when you first start working out, your hunger does increase...that might be what's going on because it's only these past few days that my hunger has been in this overdrive.

Day #5: I forgot how hard it is to start an exercise program and keep that momentum going beyond the first 2 days. Because then, the challenge of it kind of sinks in, and since you are not going to get drastic results after 5 days, it's kind of discouraging. It was one of those days where it felt like I will always be lugging around this extra weight, the exercises will always be challenging and exhausting, and not being able to envision my results beyond the initial firming that comes when you first start working out.

I really thought I was going to throw in the towel today. I thought this is too hard, I am too overweight/out of shape to be able to do this program. However, I did have glimpses of hope to keep me going though. I watched my DVR of when Tracy was on QVC to remember what this program delivers. More than anything, I rememebered that the biggest thing is to keep going with consistency because it will add up. That's the fear, that it will always be hard and yet I will always stay the same. But I don't think that's the truth. It's a scary space to be in though, this limbo. I will keep going, if only because it's very important we keep promises to ourselves. Otherwise, we learn we can't trust our own word. Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, the future will bring wonderful things, and each day I work out does add up. When that day comes, and it actually adds up, when I can go shopping and feel like I look good instead of wanting to hide, when I can walk tall and gracefully because my muslces are working for me...wow!

Day#6: I love doing my cardio on the rebounder! No shin splint for me this time. I am going to get leg warmers eventually to further help with shin splints.

Rest Day: So weird. I have a cold and it totally suppresses my hunger. Not that I feel like I'm not eating enough, but I actually want to stop eating when I feel full. I don't feel obsessed about food today at all (and I received a free appetizer, meal and dessert from my favorite restaurant today, so what a perfect day to be able to recognize fullness). Instead I just enjoyed the food and when I was full I didn't want to force myself to eat any more just for the taste. In fact the idea of having to eat more made me depressed and sick to my stomach. I wanted to box it up and take it home. Apparently this cold is a blessing in disguise because at least while it lasts it is here to teach me what fullness feels like and what it feels like to be meantally balanced when it comes to food.

Day#7: Don't know why, but I exercised today in spite of having a cold. I did end up taking a rest day yesterday because that's when I first got sick and I intended to do rest again today. But today I was moved to exercise, and so I moved. At this point I've memorized the exercises so I actually watched the Oprah Winfrey Network while I was exercising. I did have to take more time to catch my breath, but I truly couldn't believe I was able to do it. I found I like exercising while watching TV better than listening to music (at least for today). I know Tracy says you're not supposed to do that because you need to connect to your body, but it helps take my brain off the pain and struggle. It helps get me out of my head so I don't tell myself how difficult it is, or how I want to give up, or how it's not worth it. TV buys me time until exercise really starts to feel good, and I start to get strong and healthy, exercise allows me to turn off my brain and let my body do all the work.

Day#8: Today was a bit of a breakthrough day. Even though I've had a cold the last 3 days, I've managed to do my workout. It's so strange because my brain definitely tells me I'm fully entitled to rest. But then something triggers me. My body misses the movements, the stetching, the dynamic flow, and sometimes even that burn. When my body gets stronger, the burn and the challenge actually can feel good! Not always, and I still hate some moves (I'm looking at you side leg lift) but more moves than not felt good today. I also watched myself in the mirror as I did the GOOP arms video and I felt I rush of proudness for myself. I was proud of myself for what I've been able to accomplish in 8 days. I felt stronger today in one of my abs moves, a plank move actually so double the excitement. I could just tell that normally at a certain point I'd get shakey and want to stop but today I got through it feeling strong and empowered and wanting to give myself a high five. Wow I thought, this is actually starting to work! Real progress is beginning to unfold. One word, priceless.

Day#9: It was such a wonderful feeling to realize my cold has passed today. It came and went in 4 days. Not bad! I felt really proud of myself today. I am so close to moving onto the next level! On day one it doesn't feel like I was gonna get there. As the days move on, it doesn't feel like I'm gonna make any real progress. Procrastination is my middle name, stopping and starting over are the name of the game. I did learn to overcome this habit last year when I got to level 8 of Meta, but still a few months of progress doesn't undo a life-time of bad habit. I am so thankful that working out seems to already be turning into a good habit again. Also, today I seemed to really be able to feel the burn and keep going in spite of it. That's something so weird, because normally when we feel pain, we want to get out of it. In this case, the pain is a good thing, so it's like we have to re-wire our brain to think differently about it. I'm sure when my muscles tone really starts to come in, my brain will feel differently about it ;)

Day#10: Ah! Can't believe I made it to day ten, but here we are. Today's workout was challenging but I made it through and will start level 2 of bootcamp tomorrow. Minor food epiphany today. I've been reading Women Food and God before falling asleep for the last couple nights, so of course it gets me more focused on why I'm eating. So today, as I was halfway through my second breakfast burrito I kind of reminded myself to slow down and assess what I was feeling. I slowed down, and found I wasn't necessarily hungry and it was okay. So I stopped...midway through a burrito. For someone who is used to cleaning their plate as a cue for when to stop eating, it is a strange and confusing feeling to stop midway. But I did and read Women Food and God instead. It's a small victory, but just like exercise these small victories will add up.

Excited to start level of bootcamp tomorrow, excited that exercise is beginning to feel natural again, excited the be making tangible progress, excited to be moving forward, excited that Tracy is gonna be on QVC tonight!

Learning to Live without Bingeing

My Nutrition & Workouts: Calorie counting with prepackaged foods

• Sun -30 minute walk
• Mon-Bootcamp Day 6 (20 reps legs/25 reps abs) + 10 BC Cardio + 30 min walk
• Tues-Bootcamp Day 7 (20 reps legs/25 reps abs)

My Thoughts:

Dieting has been challenging. I am REALLY realizing how much of my life REVOLVES around food. Food is a good thing, a great thing actually. But I'm coming to find more and more how much I am out of balance when it comes to food. I use to as a crutch to not deal with emotions. I use it as entertainment, and distraction. Since I've been doing calorie counting using prepackaged meals, I'm kind of in limbo with what to do with the extra time that comes from not cooking and prepping and planning meals. And of course the extra time that comes from not binging on food through the uncomfortable spare moments of the day where all I have to deal with are my own scary thoughts. It's hard, but it's good. There are a great number of things I want to accomplish and take care of and forcing myself to have extra time without food as a crutch I believe will help to push me forward. But since I'm in the middle of learning this new lifestyle of not overeating, well it's just not an easy thing to do.

With the extra time on my hands and lack of distraction via food, now what's my next step? What's the next area of my life I can work on and take care of? How do I actually work through emotions rather than running away from them with food? What other interests would I like to enjoy besides food? While I've never had a drinking problem, it actually kind of sounds like what do I do now that I'm sober enough to actually live and not just exist? These are the questions I hope to learn to answer.

I also started taking evening walks with my bf. It is sooo lovely to get outdoors and breathe in that cool fresh air. It's nice to enjoy doing something fun with my bf besides going out to eat or to a movie. It's great that we can support each other in a habit that is both fun and healthy. My aim is to walk with him 30 minutes every other day.

Love the Original Mat Workout!

Today's Workout & Nutrition:

• Tracy's Original Mat DVD


• Calorie Counting

Today Thoughts:

Tracy's orginal mat dvd is awesome sauce! It's so funny because when I used to attempt the DVD before Metamorphosis even came out, I thought the video had very little cueing. Haha, now compared to Meta it makes Tracy seem like a Chatty Cathy. It's actually nice. Her voice is so soothing, and friendly and encouraging. Nothing like those trainers that yell at you in order to get you to push yourself. The thing I also like about it is that the legs are done in three separate chunks so you do left side then right side, then move onto something else left and right. Then at the end you do some more. Also, you're not doing 40 reps of anything. It made the workout go by so fast (even though it's an hour long). And of course the arms are a standout for this dvd as well, it's very impressive. I would LOVE more dvd's in this format.

Today was the first day I had to do socializing while on my diet. But I just brought my own food, and people were encouraging me that I was doing a good job rather than teasing me, so that was nice. It was a little tempting to have some of their yummy foods. Not that I was anywhere close to actually giving in, but I just thought it looked good. Also, I tried on the bridemaid dress I'll be wearing in November for my friends wedding. Size 14 was the verdict. I'm thinking come November I'll be an 8, but only time will tell.

Day 4: Workout Triggers

Today's Workout & Nutrition:

• Bootcamp Day #4 (20 reps legs/abs)
• Counting Calories

Today's Thoughts:

It was so weird to me because I was not going to workout today. Well actually, I started the day completely intending to workout. But it's day 2 of my monthly, and for some reason day 2 is always the painful one, so I felt it was reasonable not to workout. But then...I caught a glimpse of my shoulders/biceps in the mirror. Whenever I recommit to TAM, my arms and shoulders are the first to see the most immediate results. And when I saw the lovely definition that had begun to re-emerge in just three days of doing the bootcamp, I started to feel excited. I FELT LIKE IF I DIDN'T WORKOUT I'D BE MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING GREAT. You know that feeling you get when you start a new exercise program, or you watch the informerical, and you have hope and excitement for better things in your future? It triggers that part of your brain that wants to make a change, and you suddently have energy and momentum to do it. That's what seeing my arms did for me. It triggered my brain in a way where just a moment earlier I had completely convinced myself that I was in too much pain to workout. A split second shifted my brain to now yearn for a workout. Crazy!

It really reiterates yet again that our minds are tricky, but powerful. Bad habits can be unlearned if the mind can be taught a new habit that works to your advantage. The best part about developing a new habit it that the struggle finally falls by the wayside, because your habit carries you rather than fighting you.

Also, once I did start working out, my monthly pains completely subsided. Go figure.

Calorie counting continues to go surprisingly well. In a way, I suppose my mindset is that I have no other options other than the plan I laid out for myself which consists of all natural, low sodium prepackaged foods in addition to protein shakes. There are so many factors that can make a diet difficult. And so, in counting calories with nutritious prepackaged foods, my objective is to make dieting as simple as possible. Having to go buy produce, accounting for prep and cooking time, too many food choices....all these things can interfere very easily with sticking to a diet plan. So, I wanted to really eliminate as many obstacles as possible to make it as auto-pilot as possible (again having my habits carry me rather than struggling against myself). This is definitely not a permenent diet plan mind you. I really value healthy home cooking and fresh produce. This is just the first step to get me going in the right direction.

It's kind of weird though because I feel like in order to get through the first two days I had to exercise discipline and sterness with myself, kind of the idea of "tough love". But generally that idea doesn't resonate with me. I want to be as gentle and kind with myself as possible, yet when I do that perhaps I sometimes take advantage of my own kindness? I'm not sure. I'm definitely not beating myself up, or having negative self-talk to get myself to stick to the diet. I'm just having to be more stern and disciplined. As always, I think it's going to come back to finding balance. In this case finding a way to be disciplined without ridgity, and kind without being a pushover. Haha, hope that made sense.

Keep up the good work everybody. I've seen so many incredible befores, durings, and afters. I continue to be amazed by what an incredible program TAM is, and honestly I might not have known that had others not shared their experiences. For anyone who has put themselves out there to share their struggles and successes, I sincerely thank you!

Day 3: New Year's Resolutions

Today's Workout:

• Bootcamp Day #3 (20 reps legs/abs)

Today's Nutrition:

• Counting Calories

Today's Thoughts:

I upped my reps from 15 these past two days to 20 reps. I am really taking my time to ease back into things because it makes it feel doable and empowering, and that keeps me going forward. It is definitely still a challenge though.

So I never really got to share my New Year's resolutions so I'd like to do that today. My goals actually came out in a different form than they normally do. Normally I list them as more of a to-do list (lose weight, get fit, eat healthy). THIS YEAR WAS MORE ABOUT HOW I WOULD ACCOMPLISH MY GOALS RATHER THAN WHAT SPECIFIC GOALS I WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH (kind of like my "what has made this time different" post on the left side of my blog:

1. Consistently have goal awareness: In otherwords have the actual list of goals in front of me on a daily basis to help me stay focussed and remember what I'm trying to accomplish.
2. Have a clearer blueprint with specific steps to take: Write out an actual plan.
3. Start small and build slowly: Take gentle, less intimidating steps in the beginning and then build upon that foundation slowly but consistently.
4. Have patience by remembering the bigger picture: Accept that it will take time, but realize it is a journey to get there (and I will get there).
5. Workthrough feelings that hold me back: Identify and acknowledge the feelings that keep me from following through with a goal (fear, anxiety, depression, need for instant gratification), then figure out a way through them.
6. Have unconditional kindness, compassion and support for myself regardless of how well or poorly I may be doing with my goals.
7. Strive for balance not perfection.
8. Keep giving myself permission: Don't feel the need for someone else's approval, or encouragement. I can be that source for myself.
9. If possible, let go of past pains and scars: Learn to heal the painful feelings of my past that hold me back. "Who would I be/what would I do if I had no past?"
10. No matter how slowly I'm moving, keep moving forward/ climbing the wall.

Have a great day everyone :)

Day #2 Bootcamp

Did my day #2. As I am easing back into exercise I have not done any cardio yet. Also, I need to buy decent sports bra and I want to try leg warmers as I recently read someone on facebook say it made a real difference in their shin splints. Also, I called to have my Continuity postponed for 6 months, and it will take time for me to work through the many dvd's I already have which I'm happy about cuz I won't have to spend more money on DVD's for a while. Day 2 of calorie counting also went well.

So far, 2012 is off to a great start exercise wise. I am so thankful to be back in the game. The mind is just such a tricky thing. I really thought that with everything else I have to take care of in my life that exercise just wasn't going to happen for a while. But as soon as I got back into it, it started to feel natural. Such a great feeling. Don't get me wrong, I've definitely lost some fitness, but even better I've retained some fitness. Either way, it feels good to be moving again. In fact it feels wonderful. I love you Tracy Anderson!

Day #1 Bootcamp

Wowza, I forgot what this felt like! Tracy Anderson Method is no joke people! I haven't worked out in about 3 weeks and I completely forgot what this feels like. You really do use muscles that you don't ever use otherwise. You feel a burn unlike any other. But of course you already knew that. I knew that too, it just slipped my mind.

So I was feeling the excitement of the new year, reading the TAM blogs and everyone listing their resolutions, and the anticipations of wonderful new things that this year will have to offer. And of course, I wanted to do my resolutions too. I was trying to find a notebook to write them in and lo and behold I came upon my notebook from last year where I had started to write resolutions for 2011. My tone was not a hopeful one though. In fact I didn't even get to writing those resolutions. Instead I wrote three questions:

1) Is change even possible?

2) What will make this time different?

3) Does what I seek actually exist?

You see, I've had many of the same New Year's resolutions over and over again, and the weight loss one, well I've attempted that one for at least the last fifteen years. I wanted to go back every school year having finally lost weight. Then I wanted to lose weight by prom, then by the start of college, then by the time I turned 20. Never happened, not once in fifteen years have I lost all of my excess weight. But last year was different.

Last year I gave myself permission to not be perfect, and instead just do my best. I gave myself permission to take the tiniest baby steps possible (my first goal was literally to just play the dvd's each day for 90 days and sit and watch). And then magic happened. Suddenly I was moving beyond level 1 and then I moved past the first disc. With each new level I gained confidence in the process that even though this was gonna take some time, it was indeed going to happen.

And so, I have answered two of the three questions from last year...1) Is change even possible...ABSOLUTELY! 2) What will make this time different?...See the column on the left side of my blog. 3) Does what I seek actually exist?...I've yet to discover the answer to that one, but I at least feel I'm moving in the right direction.

So, my plan for this year in regards to TAM is to start with bootcamp. Although I'm not doing the diet, I am simply eating clean and counting calories. From there, I'm thinking I'll move onto the Perfect Design Series, and then onto Metamorphosis, Continuity and beyond!