From Avoiding Cardio to an Hour of Cardio

I had been really not feeling like doing cardio after my toning earlier this morning. I put off doing it all day. Then once I finally began, I got one minute into it and my bf called on his lunchbreak interrupting my momentum (though I was happy to hear from him). But once I finally got into it, it felt really good! I imagine it's something like a runner's high, but I'm sure I had feel good hormones running through me. I loved the leaping and bouncing and arms movements.

I normally do 20 minutes of boot camp plus 15 minutes on the trampoline. Today, I did 20 minutes of meta cardio then was only gonna do 10 minutes of bootcamp but decided that since I had some momentum I'd try to keep going and I did! I did 20 minutes of meta, 20 minutes of cardio, and 20 minutes on the trampoline. The great thing was I wasn't forcing myself. It just felt good! Plus in doing the extra 30 minutes today I was able to make up for the one cardio session I've missed since beginning meta.

Today's cardio just felt like a lovely surprise. You know a couple weeks ago, the time was right to start doing meta 6 days a week instead of 5. Now, it feels like the time is right to up the cardio. It's not easy to imagine how things will unfold, but the natural flow of this process unfolding and improving on its own has been lovely, and I'm just thankful. Stress just seems to be less and less useful. I see it in myself, and I relate to it in others on the forums. In my experience with TAM, utilizing faith in and kindness to myself have proven to be greater forces than stress and criticism.

Day 52: Level 6 is Good

Well, I'm sittin here having only done my muscular structure work. I enjoyed it, but I just didn't feel like doing cardio immediately after. Don't get me wrong, my cardio will get done, but it's taking me all day to get around to it. Level six is gonna be good though, I can tell. It really uses your whole body.

Some definite changes I've noticed so far since starting the program include: greater space between thigh area above knee, tone in arms, restructuring of lower side abs, greater strength and cardio endurance, a few pounds of weight loss (somewhere around 9 lbs), and my pants are just a smidgen less tight around my tum tum. I'm still waiting for an overall increase of energy, significant weight loss, and for my pants to not be tight. Ugh, I'm getting sick of hearing myself complain, I'm sorry if it's annoying to anyone else too. I would like to keep my attitude going in a positive direction. I know I've started down that road, but there is a ways to go. Let's be more gentle on ourselves shall we?

As for eating, I noticed that I was starting to calculate calories inadventantly (as I switched from writing down in my journal not only what I ate but how much). I was around 15-1600 a day and was growing anxious about how little food adds up to that many calories! I feel like writing my food quantities serves more to criticize myself, and stress out than just writing what the food itself was that I was eating without quantity. It is up to my body and brain to re-learn how to eat, and what full really looks like for my body. When my body doesn't feel full but my calories have added up for the day, that's not a good feeling. Logically, I will get full on less as time goes on because my stomach will shrink after my binges and overeating end. For goodness sakes, it's just like TAM-a journey and a process. So, instead I'd like to go back to just writing what I'm eating without a quantity so that overtime after I'll have learned what full means to me. I can then learn to better the quality of my food (more fresh fruits and veg for example).

Okay, I'm off to do my cardio. Yay, me, but before I do that, I leave you with a great recipe full of omega 3's and healthy fats that brought such great disgestive improvements I feel compelled to share.

Creamy Choco Omega Shake

Blend everything in a blender until smoothe, luscious and creamy! (Feel free to use more cocoa powder if you don't have carob or use Teecino instead of cocoa powder if you are avoiding caffeine, & coconut oil if you don't have Artisana Coconut Butter available to you):

1 Cup Almond Milk
1 Tbsp Chia Seeds
1 Tbsp Artisana Coconut Butter
1/2 Tbsp Carob Powder
1/2 Tbsp Cocoa Powder
3-4 Ice Cubes
Stevia to Taste

Day 51: Loving Level 6!

Seriously, level 6 has even more new moves that I've never seen before. The arms section had some really new moves. The abs section is awesome because since your head remains lifted so much of the time, it's very easy to follow along. Also the legs portions is not just the same position on all fours with leg variations. It actually has quite different body positions. The theme of this level is "lots of variation" and variation means it goes by fast! Level 6 is great! So far it seems that the even levels tend to be my favorites. Just don't bring back awful level 3 and I'll be good to go!

As for food, I am slowly learning how to identify when I'm full. In fact, I ate a little too much at one meal yesterday and felt "stuffed" even though it was no where near the quantity of food I'd eat during binges, or even just overeating like I normally do at most every meal. What struck me is that being "stuffed" used to feel like a good thing. It brought a level of comfort and it was how I could tell I was "full". But now that I'm getting a little used to eating smaller portions, being "stuffed" to any degree feel incredibly uncomfortable! I almost felt like I was sick. What a strange experience that was, since my eating habit has been to feel "stuffed" for so many years, and in just a couple days it now feels uncomfortable! This is truly RE-LEARNING how to eat, as it is sooooo different from what I've done most all life. Even my protein shakes I used to down in one glass. Now, I can only drink 1/2 the glass, take a break, and then continue to sip the rest.

It's important to note there is a difference between using portion control by listening to your bodies cues (as I'm trying to do) and portion control that comes from pre-portioned sizes that set the limits for you (as I've done in the past with other diets). In listening to my body, there is a lot less stress and feelings of deprivation involved. I don't have as strong an urge to rebel, and like I say it actually feels uncomfortable to even be a little too full. On the other hand, when I'd diet using pre-portioned sizes, I wanted to binge, at the first opportunity. All I can say is this feels revolutionary.

The type of thing I'm doing I partially learned from a couple different books by Geneen Roth, and I am so thankful to have advice from that. But, it is a totally different ballgame to actually experience it for myself, than to just read about others' experiences. This process is really teaching me how to help myself, how to listen to myself, how to experiment to discover things for myself. It's easy for me to feel like I need someone else to tell me what to do, to figure things out, to rescue me. This process is showing me how to take whatever tools are available (including other people's experiences), but at the same time, to discover and explore what I have to offer as well.

Day 50: Done with Level 5

Wow, wow! Done with level 5?? That is incredible. Level 4 was my love, but level 5 was not bad either! Hopefully level 3 was just an anamoly with all its horribleness. Level 5 went by at a good speed, and now I'm excited to start level 6 on Sunday! Also, the past two weeks in a row I bumped up my workouts from 5 to 6 days a week, and it is totally doable, so I'm very happy about that as well. Level 6 feels like I'm really getting there. I'm solidly over half way through with meta. 50 days also feels like a solid milestone too. Weeeeee!

As I was bouncing on my rebounder today and watching my DVR of Tracy on QVC, I was thinking to myself how incredible it is that this program changes every ten days. I mean really...what other program does that? Who can sustain a program long terms if you are at best rotating the same few dvd's every few days? I am so thankful to have a program that allows my brain and my body enough variety to stick with it. I am also thankful that that same program has a trainer who isn't yelling at you to stay motivated. I am also thankful that the outcomes of that program is a dancer's lean and toned body. AND I'm so glad that Tracy condensed it into one hour! My goodness, with her other dvd's you would ideally do an hour of toning plus an hour of cardio. This program is truly all-in-one.

I am gonna do a weigh in the next time a go to my bf's house and have him write down my measurements without me seeing. In the end I will be happy to look back and see my progress, but in the midst of the process, it is more than I can handle, and diverts my focus and energy away from my hardwork, and instead onto results, the pace of which are not in my hands.

Level 6 here I come!

Day 49: Relearning what "Full" Feels Like

Another good exercise day (thank goodness this seems to be more and more of a norm for me). I listened to my own playlists to get me through all those leg lifts. I did run into awful leg pain when I began my cardio though! It felt like the worst shin splint ever, I couldnt' even stand on my leg without it hurting. So I sat down and massaged it for a few minutes. The thought definitely crossed my head that maybe I would not be able to do cardio today. Luckily when I stood back up I seemed to be okay, but I was too scared of jumping and landing into shooting leg pain, so I opted to do 30 minutes on the rebounder today. In the past, that has sometimes proven to be amazing, and other times painfully boooooring. Today, it went by super fast, as I watched my DVR of Tracy on QVC as I shaked an shimmied on that bad boy for an easy breezy 30 minutes.

As for eating...well, there is a difference between having an amazing, potentially life altering epiphane (hunger and anxiousness are not the same thing, and therefore food only meets one of those needs ) and actually learning how to eat thereby undoing a lifetime of muttled, misguided eating habits. Truly, I am not exaggerating when I say a lifetime.

From the time we are very young we learn to equate food with comfort as our mothers held us close and fed us when we cried. While I don't rememeber that far back, I remember in elementary school that I wanted what I couldn't have. My parents only bought all natural food. This might have been fine if that's what everyone else was eating, but I desired to "fit in" and "feel normal" when I saw other kids eating those little baggies of chips and bologna sandwiches while I snacked on raw cauliflower and stinky tuna.

I learned that you should finish everything on your plate as children in Africa are starving. I remember one time I poured too much cereal (I was visited my grandparents and they had frosted flakes, something I had only seen on TV, so of course I poured a huge bowl.) I was in kindergarten, and I specifically remember wishing I had a magic wand to make the rest of the food go away so I wouldn't have to eat it all because as a child I instinctively knew what it felt like to be full, but was socialized to eat anyway. (Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my parents in the least for this as they were kind and well intentioned. The situation simply affected me from a young age, and that is my only point.) Next came jr. high, where I had my first opportunity to eat what I wanted as I was buying my lunch at school. I don't want to go into the details of all the goodies, because it too easily triggers cravings for me, but the point is I took full advantage of my new found freedom. I would then come home and relax by eating and plopping myself in front of the tv. This time felt like my reward, for a hard day of school, a break before I had to start my homework, and before my parents came home.

I only wish to convey to myself that re-learing how to eat will take time, and I certainly hope will get easier. It's not that I even ate poorly today. My current objective is not to restrict my eating in any way other than to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. More than anything, my objective is to learn what hungry and full feel like, particularly to learn to how feeling anxious is not the same as feeling hungry as I discovered a few nights ago that my mind had learned to identify anxious= hunger (when this is in fact not true).

What I've learned so far is what it feels like to not go into a food coma after nearly every meal. After my meals I normally feel very heavy in my protruding stomach. I feel lumbering and slow, and ready for a nap. Today, I felt not stuffed yet not hungry, but something in between. It was a very unusual space for me to exist in. Sometimes it felt good, other times it felt uncomfortable. I noticed it is easier to tell when I get full after my first meal of the day. It is more challenging to identify being hungry and full when it comes to my later meals.

However, this truly is just the beginning. I know with certainty that I've reduced that amount of food I'm eating. I know that I'm more aware of how I'm eating. I felt my underlying anxious today after I ate a late lunch. I felt it again after dinner (it sounds like an imbalance may be taking place in my body triggered by food. This is something I will need to explore in greater depth). Both times, I used tv to help the feelings pass, and for the most part they did. While not stuffing myself isn't easy, it is at the same time nothing like the past where I was white-knuckling it to fight through a diet. I can't help but wonder with all that I've learned and experienced in the last ten weeks, what does the future hold?

Day 48: New Eating Habit in Action

Good workout day! Continuing to move forward, and just a couple days away from level 6. Woo!

More exciting for me today was putting my eating epiphane (see Day 47) into action today. In the morning I definitely felt like a burdern had been lifted. I think part of it was the energy that goes into the obsessing about what I'm eating was now extra energy that I had to think about other things. But just in general I would say that I felt happy that I figured out something that could really change my life. For most of the day I didn't feel crazed to get food into my mouth ASAP. I felt like food was a normal part of my day, a normal non-obsession. It was simply food, enjoyable, nourishing, taking up only the part of my life that it appropriately deserves and nothing more.

I wasn't munching all day, planning food all day, feeling crazed by cravings, or going into food comas...and as far as underlying anxiousness goes it was quite minimal compared to usual.

When I did eat, I ate slowly, I tried to be conscious of when I felt a shift from hungry to satiated, took one more bit, and then I stopped. I simply stopped. I acknowledged that even though I was ending a tasty meal, that I would have another tasty meal later in the day when I was hungry again, and therefore there was no reason to keep eating for fear of not having something this good to enjoy again.

If I did want to keep on eating, I asked myself is this hunger, anxiousness, thirst, fatigue? I was talking to my bf today explaining to him what I'd discovered. I told him how I have different tools-hammer, wrench, screwdriver...all serve good purposes, but I had learned to use a wrench when I needed a screwdriver, or a hammer when I needed a wrench. It just doesn't serve my need to use the incorrect tool. In the same way, eating doesn't meet my needs for anxiousness or thirst or sleep.

It was so key for me to realize yesterday that the feeling of hunger and the feeling of anxiousness are actually two completely separate feelings (even though through repeated habit over many years, I had learned to recognize anxiousness and hunger as the same feeling), and therefore the tool of food only serves to meet one of my needs. This stood out for me yesterday because both before and after I ate dinner I had underlying anxiousness, (but the hunger I could tell was only before dinner). It really helped me realize that food did not make the anxiousness go away, and therefore is not the tool I need for anxiousness. So instead, I took several deep breaths. As cliche as it sounds, I really did slow down and just take a handful of deep breaths. Then I watched TV long enough to let the anxiousness pass and I felt okay again. Now, I'm not saying that TV is the best tool to help with anxiousness, but for now I will take TV and a few deep breaths over food, until I find better tools.

Honestly, I would say I ate between 25% and 50% less food today than I normally eat. This without major struggling, or starving myself, or feeling deprived or wrestling against myself to resist temptation. It felt like a new beginning. And of course I'm also excited to hopefully see weight coming off now as well, since I'll be using both consistent exercise and natural portion control. But, I cannot tell you how equally wonderful it felt to enjoy food as a balanced part of my life, rather than an obsessive part of it.

Stress and Hunger are 2 Different Things

The following is about me trying to understand the multi-faceted-ness of my compulsive eating:

So I was planning on getting take out this evening. However, I needed to shower, get dressed, etc and this would take about an hour. Then I would need to drive, order the food, etc etc. The point is, I was hungry but knew I wouldn't be able to eat for about an hour and a half. I felt anxious and on edge. The best way I can describe having a food craving and not being able to immediately satiate it is that inside I feel shakey, almost like I'm vibrating on the inside and I fear I might eventually pop like a shaken soda. It feels like I will keep shaking unless I get some food in me to calm the shaking and edgyness. Yet it's confusing because I know logically I'm not actually in any danger, nor am I actually shaking. I'm not actually gonna pop, or explode, nor is anything actually going to happen. I'm not at risk of starving even. Anyway, I remember feeling these things, but I got ready, got my food, and enjoyed it (as I feel that no matter what you eat it is important to enjoy it without guilt).

When I was almost done with my meal, but there was still a little bit left I noticed that my chewing had slowed down, my breathing was different (it's hard to recall if I was breathing more deeply more slowly more heavily or more quickly). I don't know what to call this stage exactly. Maybe that's what "full" technically is, but because I equate "full" with being "stuffed" I wouldn't call it full. However, I would venture to say it crosses over into some degree of satiation that I can actually differentiate from "hungry." On rare occasions when I try to be mentally present while eating (versus zoning out) I notice this shift in my eating. But the vast majority of the time I do not because I'm not paying attention. In fact, I am often using food to tune out.

Anyway, I acknowled my transition from hunger to the "shift" and continued to finish the rest of my meal. Yet after that last bite, I suppose I felt slightly disappointed that there was no more tasty food to experience. But I did not want to spend more money on food, even though I could have eaten more. On the drive home I was trying to understand why I would still feel hungry when I had more than an adequate portion (truly I am not being modest or skimping, the portion was plenty to get full off of).

I wondered what part of my body is wanting more food. I enjoyed tasty food without guilt so I didn't really feel like I wanted food because of some forbiden allure (you want you you can't have type situation). Is there some part of me craving food because I'm starved of nutrients? A possibility .... Is there some part of me that has to detox from addictive foods (in the way coffee is addictive, are the foods I'm eating which are chemically addictive for my body?)....again a possibiliy.

I suppose I felt a similar type of shakey-ness that I felt before I had eaten dinner. In my head I asked myself what am I feeling really? Am I hungry? Am I sleepy? The answer came to me...I am feeling anxious. I am not feeling hunger, I am feeling anxious. It's slightly peculiar, but I need to clarify that it wasn't like someone saying, "how are you feeling?" and in response I'd say "I'm feeling anxious". Nope. It wasn't emotional. It was that I was understanding the reaction of my body itself. In that moment I suppose I had a slight epiphane that I was able to separate the physical feeling of hunger, and the physical feeling of anxiousness, and in that moment I understood that these are two separate things.

For example, when we cry, we have tears physically streaming from our eyes. We may be sad or happy or just have an irritant in our eye, but we understand that the physical reaction of having tears doesn't autmatically tell us what our emotions are. We learn how it feels different to cry out of sadness or joy. Over many years, I've managed to fuse the feeling of "hunger" with anxiousness, sleepyness, stress, etc. and so rather than being able to tell them apart and come up with different solutions (get sleep, stress management), I eat to placate all these different needs.

I remember when I was in school I would eat to avoid homework. If I was eating I felt like I was legitimately needing to take time away from homework because I was occupied with something else that was important. When I would come home from school, I would sit on the couch watching TV and would eat for at least an hour because that was the time I felt I could relax and have to myself before my parents came home. When I would get out of class in the later evening, or work in the later evening, I would get fast food and watch TV to help me unwind before going to bed.

My point is just that for a brief moment this evening, I suddenly understood not just logically but on a deeper level, that the feelings I have in my body for hunger and the feelings I have in my body for anxiousness are not the same. The most common reason I over eat is that I am trying to calm my internal anxiousness.

After dinner, I didn't feel hungy. I realized what I really did feel- anxious. What a breakthrough! I'll be honest with you, I dealt with my anxiousness by watching TV. And you know what, it helped my anxiousness slowly fade. As some more time passed I realized I am thirsty, I am sleepy, I miss my bf...I also understood that I was not hungry. Perhaps I couldn't recognize that I was full, but for a change I recognized I am not hungry.

Day 47: Maintaining Motivation

Day 47....check....wasn't easy though. I was really unmotivated today. It was a low energy day. (I had to remind myself that this is normal energy levels are not the same everyday, they exist in a range) My diet didn't work out as I woke up this morning feeling weak, and nauseous and that is not my desire when it comes to diet. It's okay. I gave it a try, I gave it my best intentions, I stuck with it all day yesterday. I tried doing it today and had all my shakes by 10:30 a.m. and still felt nauseous and hungry. So, I ate some food. Not the end of the world I promise, but a little discouraging initially cuz I wanted my stomach to start wittling away. Back to the drawing board.

In the meantime, I'm still working out. Today it was one of those days where I really had to divide and conquer. I once heard an expression, "inch by inch, life's a cinch, yard by yard, life is hard". I literally took like a 20 minute break between doing my right side and my left side on the mat. Took another 20 minutes before I did my cardio. Some moves I only did 10 reps because that was all I could give while still being able to get through the whole workout. BUT, the point is I did it. The point is workout #47 came and went. It means that tomorrow is day #48, and thereafter I will get to day #90 and beyond.

I had to pull on some inspirational music to get me through my second leg. I busted out Shakira "waka waka" Train's "hey soul sister" jason mraz "i'm yours". That's truly what gave me energy again and got me through my left leg lifts.

Anyways, I think I'm gonna go ahead and order meta abcentric. I was really concerned today that 10 days is too quick of a pace for me, because it just feels like my muscles haven't built up as much as they should have for being almost done with level 5. I considered finishing level 5 and then starting all over, because I was just so discouraged with how challenging these workouts are(my bf gently reminded me that Tracy designed it so that with each level you are constantly being challenged). Instead, because it is very important for me to finish this badboy, to keep my promise to myself for once...I am gonna continue through level 9 of omni, then start over again on meta BUT with abcentric. Since I think my abs are a weakness, I think having done omni will really prepare me for abcentric, but at the same time I won't feel like I'm moving into continuity without feeling appropriately fit for it. Excited to keep moving forward, finish, and then tackle my tummy with abcentric. Cheers to staying in the game.

Day 46: Passed the Halfway Point

Officially passed the half-way point of Meta today. Honestly, it didn't feel any different than any other workout I have done in terms of being such a milestone. But, I am certainly over the moon in terms of being proud of myself for actually sticking with something! Truly, I am not a terribly motivated person, I am quite convinced I have ADD and therefore difficulty concentating and focusing on things, I struggle with depression. Yet in spite of all of this, I had a breakthrough where things serendipitously aligned for me, and at the same time I was open and present to seize the moment. I am thankful.

Also did my first day of the diet. The shakes plus dinner totalled 1500 calories which is awesome. It was important to me that I wasn't hungry during the day, and that my dinner tasted good. I accomplished both of these objectives.

Also, with all this fretting over my belly bulge, I was thinking I might complete meta omni, do abcentric meta, and then continue onto continuity after that. I know this is not what Tracy wants us to do, but I'm okay with experimenting to see what works for me. I really think I'm something in between omni and ab, so this seems like a good option.

Day 45: Budging the Belly Bulge with Balance

Wowwweee! Is it possible that I've made it halfway through Metamorphosis?!?! Apparently it is, because here I am and here we are. I just wonder...has it been worth it? Yes, of course it has. You know, I'm okay with my body changing slowly. I understand that diet plays a much greater goal in the actual getting the weight off process, and if I am not dieting one iota, well what was I expecting to happen over the course of 9 weeks, 5 hours of exercise per week? I expected half a pound per week...so I guess I can't complain because I've broken that record...hm...I guess I was I figured I was aiming low, low expectations. High expectations as an end results, but low expectations in terms of how quickly this was gonna happen. You know, for the love of goodness sakes I just want my pants to not be tight in the tummy! I'm not asking to have gone down a size, I'm asking for my pants to simply fit around my waist! Really, for all the work I've put in that doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

It kind of feels like a big joke that I would exercise for 9 weeks, and my belly bulge does not want to budge. It's stubborn and mean. Other parts of my body have shifted. There is definitely an increase in the space between my legs from the knees up to most of my thighs (minus the upper inner thighs). My lower back fat has shifted slightly, and my arms have more tone, and my face has slimmed slightly too. You know, I will still exercise....don't get me wrong, I will. This is the most fun cardio I've ever done. And I find myself stretching my arms and legs out randomly throughout the day in the ways I do in the videos cuz I like feeling my cross vectors in action. I actually really enjoy doing the arm portion of the workout. Abs, I can tolerate. But the leg moves! Ugh, being on all fours feels so degrading and pushing myself is so exhausting...all that to still have my pants tight around my stomach? Poo!

Well, I'll tell you what...I believe that the process is slow, but I still believe this process will work. I don't know how far I can get without dieting, I believe if I keep going I will get better and better results no matter how slowly that comes. More muscle will be built, more calories will get burned.

Booo, sorry for being a downer. This process is a rollercoaster, and I need to be able to see that. I need to be honest, without having an honesty bias toward only the negative. I'm gonna think about diet. Ponder more how I feel about it.

I recall in an interview of some sort Gwyneth Paltrow said it took her 9 months to get good at the method. As far as exercise goes, I will say this is my favorite. And since I want to be the type of person who exercises, I suppose I take comfort in knowing I will keep exercising regardless of how slowly or if I lose weight at all. Okay, for now that's good enough for me. But I will ponder diet and get back to you on that one. (Gotta check out that book Skinny Thinking)

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So here I am again. I got a good night's sleep, I pondered diet, and I came up with an "in progress" solution if you will, a dynamic option to get me going in the right direction.

So! My basic plan consists of 4 different vegan protein/meal replacements shakes throughout the day, plus a salad with beans at night for dinner. Additionally I will have what a call a "balancing meal" for occassions that call for it . Some people would call it a "cheat" but because I want to strive for balance in my life, I am calling it a balancing meal because honestly that's what it is. It is about finding balance in an imperfect world. Sure if we lived out in nature in peace and harmony and ate only nature foods, that would be ideal. Since I live in this world, I want to find balance so I can exist happily as things are, while still striving for something better.

With the holidays coming up (Christmas, Thanksgiving, multiple family birthdays, New Years) I want to sit down to a delicious vegan meal with those I care about, enjoy the festivites, etc etc. I actually thought to myself well, I'll just wait til New Year's when it's more socially acceptable and therefore easier to be dieting. But then...last night I hung out with a gal pal of mine, and had a great time catching up and watching a classic Halloween movie called Lace and Arsenic. Anywho, I was sitting in this super comfy chair that was also kind of sunken in. In other words, any time I would try to shift positions, or get up out of the chair, it was like I was using all my muscles to hoist myself out of this thing (it's just a chair for goodness sake and shouldn't be so difficult. I felt like a rolley polley. I felt the most discomfort in my belly bulge. That's where I felt the weight concentrated and also the least amount of muscle contributing to me getting out of that chair.

I woke up this morning, and my belly was just so protrusive. It always is, but the chair experience really helped me see that what I've gotten used to is actually a discomfort that I tolerate. My belly weighs me down, protrudes, spills over, makes my pants uncomfortable. You see, although I have fat on all my other areas of my body, they just look like I have bigger legs, bigger arms. My belly fat on the other hand is like a separate entity drooping down, and bursting out away from my body. The bottom line is that it's uncomfortable and weighs me down and the chair just helped put clarity to the situation.

Anywho, that's why I feel motivated to adjust my eating at this point (it's also a timely endeavor to start dieting because I'm exactly half-way through meta and feel it is an established habit in my life). The great thing is, it's not like "oh I hate my body, it needs to be punished with a diet". My paradigm is...it's easier to diet and be mobile, it's harder to eat whatever I want and feel immobile. Fantastic!

The other important thing about this diet is that it is super convenient to be able to mix these meal replacements with water and do whatever else I need to do throughout the day. While none of them are mouthwatering meals, none of them taste badly either. It's super nutritious, AND it's not an all liquid diet since I will have a tasty, filling salad at the end of the day. I feel like I have found a great balance in nutrients, feeling physically full not overstuffed, taste, budget, convenience, ability to socialize, not have to go to the grocery store all the time, not time consuming to prepare meals, etc.

Lastly, I'm not feeling deprived or scared. Anytime I need a reminder as to why I'm doing this I just look at my stomach struggling to let go of that extra weight if only I would give it a chance. I feel good, and I'm ready :)

Rest Day: Joyfully Letting Go of the Scale

It is my rest day for the week, and I'm very pleased that I made it through this week with 6 fulls days of working out without feeling overwhelmed or like I'm pushing my body too hard. Hurray for progress!

Anyway, I was at a friend's hosue today, and she had a scale in her bathroom and while my first instinct was to weigh myself, a second instinct came to me and it said...it's okay darlin' you in fact have no reason to weigh yourself. And the thing is, another part of me didn't fight back, instead the two parts of me smiled at each other, hugged and made ammends. I have always felt the need to weigh myself when trying to lose weight. Weighing myself felt like my ultimate reward for all my hard work. What I recently came to discover and unveil, is that in fact in weighing myself, I was punishing myself. As someone who is working on transforming from seeing the glass half empty to half full, I can tell say that whether I lost weight or gained weight, I in the end felt badly (because even if I lost weight I rationalized that #1 The scale might be off and this was a fluke, #2 I might gain it back #3 I'm not losing weight fast enough...what that heck is that?? Those were my thoughts when I LOST weight, so can you imagine what my thoughts were when I gained weight!?

This is just me though, and I do not mean to imply that anyone else shouldn't set weight goals. I have discovered that I have to uncover what truly works for me. Tracy tailors her program to fit out body types, and I've discovered that I must tailor what is offered to me to fit my needs. In this case, it means that my progress is measured by commiting to doing my workouts every day, by continually moving forward, and by continuing to learn and treat myself with kindness. The weight loss will come, and weightloss is still my number one goal when it comes to doing this program. But I'm learning that once I'm aware of my goal, it's really important to shift my focus and energy to the ACTIONS I need to take to get there. I am learning that I have only so much mental and physical and emotional energy to exert, and I don't want to deplete my energy (by weighing myself) I want to utilize the energy I do have for all it's worth.

Day 44: Staying the Course In Spite of...

Did my usual level 5 followed by 20 minutes bootcamp cardio, topped off with 15 minutes bouncing on the trampoline. Today was another one of those days where I had depressing things running through my head. What helped me workout in spite of this? What did I tell myself that allowed me to keep going instead of laying down and watching TV?...

#1 I recoginzed that exercise helps with depression, so it was an especially good reason to keep exercising. Whereas laying down and watching tv serves only to distract me from my depression, exercise does something to help with it.

#2 I reminded myself how short an hour is (particularly when I compare it to an hour of school, an hour of work, an hour of tv), I realize that an hour of exercise is really reasonable.

I know I have mentioned these things before, but it bares repeating because in my experience I go through ups and down, and then ups and downs again. Life lessons aren't learned with a single epiphane, or a single experience. In fact, I am finding that life lesson are best learned when they have an opportunity to be practiced. For me, practicing these thoughts above has helped them to become more automatic reactions. Rather that trying to spend an hour rationalizing with myself before I get myself to exercise again (if at all), my automatic thoughts in this case jump to my rescue and allow me to keep going. Even though one part of myself is struggling, I feel like for the first time another part of me is there to help me carry on, help me pick up the pieces and keep going. I feel like that's a part of growing up and growing older and wiser and growing kinder to myself. I feel like it's an awakening of some sort. We shall see what other life lessons pop up in this journey...

For now I've made it through 9 weeks of exercise! I successfully exercised 6 days this week, and I feel REALLY good about that. I feel like 6 days a week will contribute to greater results. Prior to this week, I would take the weekends off ending my workouts on Friday. But I find that if I can sneak in that workout at the beginning of the week on Sunday, then I still end on a Friday. It feels the same as before when I was doing 5 days a week, but I was able to get more done which is awesome! And being on day 44 means I'm only one workout away from being halfway through metamorphosis (90 days) which is absolutely insane to me to see how far I've come, and the many mini-accomplishments and growth moments I've had. :)

Day 42-43: Breaking Up With the Scale

So...yesterday I had weighed myself and was a bit disapointed that I hadn't lost any weight and had instead gained around a pound. One measly pound in the opposite direction I'm trying to head in. I wasn't devasted, or thrown off my game. I didn't cry or get angry (these are all things I've experienced in the past by the way) . Instead, I had a conversation with myself about how I felt, and I moved on and forward, because the truth is that is all that is in our control at that point.

In contrast to weighing myself and subsequently being disappointed, I later did my workout and I felt great! I pushed myself, and felt the burn, I exclaimed oooofs and owwwws...and the honest truth is that at the end of the day, it didn't matter to me that I had gained a pound! What really mattered was that I did my workout, and I felt strength in new areas, and greater ease in my cardio. I rebounded and felt joy and giddyness (that's what a rebounder and some fun music will do to ya). I even free styled some new moves bouncing on that thing.

The point for me is that life very much continued on in a positive direction after my "setback". Any negative emotions I felt in regards to that extra pound (however much I tried to minimize and rationalize them) took away from my energy. It didn't inspire me to want to work harder and push harder, because I'm already truly doing my best. So it wasn't even about turning a positive into a negative. It was about seeing that FOR ME weighing myself is unhealthy plain and simple. If I lose weight, I'm worried I'll gain it back. If I gain weight, I'm disappointed. This is a lose-lose situation and I don't want to play that game any more. I have no doubt there is a way to have a healthy relationship with a scale, but that's not something I care to put my energy into at this time.

The first time I weighed myself after starting the Tracy Anderson program, it was because I was in the bathroom of a friend's house and they had a scale (I threw my scale out many years ago). The fact that it was right in front of me, was coupled with the fact that I had been doing the program for a few weeks, and I felt like I had not lost anything at all. More than anything, my clothes were feeling as tight as ever. Thankfully at that point, I had indeed lost weight I even though hadn't expected to. That gave me the little extra assurance I needed at that time to know, okay this program IS working.

At this point, I don't need that assurance any more. I've come far enough along to know when I can feel an increase in my endurance, an increase in my energy and and increase in my strength. I've come far enough along to know that I while I won't love every level, I overall enjoy this workout program. I enjoy the way this program makes me move. I'm far enough along to know that I like being the type of person that works out and is in shape. I now know that this program offers me mental benefits too...learning how to commit to something that is challenging but I know is good for me, learning how to be consistent with something, learning how to be more flexible, to be more responsible, to explore my feelings and emotions at an even greater depth, to question where my beliefs come from and if they are helpful or hurtful to me, how to keep trying when things are challenging, that my personal best is good enough...This program has a lot to offer me beyond weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I still plan to keep losing weight with this program, and that is still the number one factor motivating me to keep going. But the desire to lose weight isn't the only thing fueling me.

Weight will take care of itself in its own time. I cannot will a pound to come off at my disposal. I can however choose to exercise, and slowly make healthier food options. These things are in my control. Doing these things empowers me. Worrying about the scale takes away my power, and that is not a good feeling.

The scale is still on my side. It wants to share good news, and celebrate my triumphs. However, the scale only speaks one language, and that is in pounds. But pounds don't tell the whole story. So...my conclusion? I am going to still try to weigh myself after I complete each level. HOWEVER, my bf will look at the weight and record it for me. I don't want to see any of these statistics until my journey is complete. At that point, the scale will serve a great purpose. Once I'm through the woods, then I'll be able to look back and see how far I've come. I will of course want to share my story with others, and pounds are a common language that will be a great tool to explain to others how far I've come to them, and show people how amazing this program is.

At the end of the day, I know my brain will feel more balanced without the scale being a constant in my life, and I am so thankful to have come to that conclusion this early in the game. In this moment, I feel free.

Weigh In: What's the Truth Here?

Whooops, over the course of level 4 I managed to gain a pound. Hmmm....I was nervous before I got on the scale. I thought maybe I had gained some, but I also thought maybe I had lost some and imagined breaking through the 160's into the 150's. I reminded myself that the scale is on my side, and cheering me on for me efforts, the scale wants to support me and wants to see me succeed. This helped calm my nerves a bit. And after all that, I am up to 162.5 which is a 1 pound gain from my previouse weigh in a little over 2 weeks ago.

Well, of course I was slightly disappointed, but I was by no means devastated. I vascillated between feelings of wanting to push my workouts even harder "just to show them, and stick it to the man" (who am I trying to prove myself to?), and thinking "maybe I'll throw in the towel cuz this isn't working after all". Fortunately my brain settled on somewhere in between recognizing the truth of the situation.

The truth is, I haven't made any dietary changes. The truth is, I have been pushing myself and been faithful in my workouts. The truth is I can feel muscle formation and well as the ability to contract muscles in places I didn't even realize muslces existed. The truth is exercising is healthy for me on many levels. The truth is losing weight takes time. The truth is my cardio endurance has improved. The truth is I like being a person who takes care of their body through fitness; I like being a person who works out. The biggest truth that brings me comfort is seeing weight loss as a line graph, starting at the top and moving down diagonally to a lower point at the end, looking like this ( \ ). However, if we were to zoom in closer, we would see there are fluctuations along the way, peaks and valleys if you will...yet the end result is the same, the average is the same.

I know the direction I'm going in, I know that I will continue to get stronger, continue to build up endurance, continue to keep moving forward. Even if I don't lose another pound (which I fully believe I will) I know what I'm doing has benefits beyond weight. A fluctuation is just that, a fluctuation. Last time I may have fluctuated on the lower end of my "average weight range" and this time I fluctuated on the higher end. It's okay, it really is okay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna lie and say I'm happy I gained weight, or I'm unaffected that all my hard work would amount to 6.5 pounds in 8 weeks. No...I'm not Pollyanna.

I don't know, I mean I knew my clothes were still tight, and I didn't think I had lost weight, but to see it in black and white is something else. Hmm....hmmmm....it does feel like this might not ever happen afterall...I dont' have experience to assure me that it will work out at this point. Before, my faith was encouraged because of the results I saw from others, and the results I saw from myself, but what faith do I use to keep me motivated at this point? I guess the answer lies in not using exercise as a weight loss tool, but as a tool for gaining energy, strength, stamina, muscle and health. Same goes for healthy eating...no focus on weight, just the health benefits. Also, it feels good to be a person who exercises, and takes care of their body. It is a feeling of accomplishment in and of itself. Of course weight will probably still be in the back of my mind, in those moments where I'm pushing past the burn, but that's okay. As I separated my diet goals from my exercise goals, I'm going to do my best to take out the weight loss goal, and make it more about health, and fitness.

You know, even for someone like myself who has made improvements in my relationship with the scale, it has become clear to me over the course of my last few weigh-ins that weighing myself takes me away from my target objective which is to complete the program in its entirety. It throws my mind into loop-te-loops. It fosters unhealthy thoughts both during the times I've lost weight and gained weight. So, I'm going to make an oath here in bold black and white...


I PROMISE MYSELF TODAY THAT I WILL ONLY WEIGH MYSELF WHEN I GO DOWN A PANT SIZE.


The good thing about that is, I will know for sure at that point that I've lost weight. Once jeans don't stay on me, I will then go out to buy a new pair and weigh myself. I will repeat this process until I get to my goal of having a lean, fit body without excess weight, and then I don't see the need to weigh myself anymore after that. Since I don't have a scale, I very rarely weighed myself before starting the method anyway. Honestly, I just want to have statistics for my weight loss journey. I want to know what my weight is at the various pant sizes, but in my opinion, and for my personal benefit that is the only time I want to weigh in. Alright, enough with the weight, let's get back to fitness!

Day 41: Level 5 No Reason to Worry

So yesterday I previewed level 5 and was so nervous to try it. I was intimidated, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it! I was scared that I wouldn't be able to keep going with the metamorphosis, that I'd have to start over to build up enough strength to get through it....sheesh! It really was okay, everything went just fine.When the arms were weighted, I was surprised how fast she had us moving, but I just did my best to keep up. Then when I did leg work, I certainly did not do all the reps, but again it was fine. It looked worse than it actually was. I really built it up in my head, but when I actually tried it, it was not bad. I know I'll get better over the course of the 10 days, and again it just comes back to doing whatever is within my personal abilities.

It certainly is not my beloved level 4, but it's okay. Btw, when I woke up I could tell level 4 did some good work for me. Nothing drastic, but subtle muscles waiting to reveal themselves once the fat is burned off. Also, I ordered continuity! So freaking exciting because it's yet another sign that I am continuing forward. I won't need continuity for at least 6 weeks, possibly more depending on how I decide to progress, but I don't want to have to worry about when it's going to arrive as I've heard about many issues surrounding ordering continuity.

Also, I wanted to mention 2 things I did differently when I first started exercising that made a difference. The first is that I didn't tell anyone I was starting a fitness program until about 2 weeks after I had gotten the ball rolling. The other is that I made no changes to my diet, but instead made working out my only priority in terms of weight loss efforts. Both of these were techniques that I hadn't tried out before, and they contributed to me being successful this time. I read about those ideas in a book called Secrets of a Former Fat Girl. I didn't read the whole book, but briefly skimmed it while at a bookstore a few months back. However, these two techniques were so helpful, I'm inclined to read to whole book and see what other useful tips might be there.

Will be doing a weigh-in tomorrow, woo hoo! The wall is my friend, and the scale if rooting for me too!

Level 5 Preview

So I was really excited about level 5 and couldn't resist previewing it. It's once again so amazing that Tracy has so many moves. The workout went over 30 minutes to about 33 it seemed. The arms look challenging and the abs looked good. I am a little nervous about the work that takes place on all fours! It looks kind of exhausting because it's the type of leg work that is more than one move per rep. I fell in love so instantly with level 4, and by comparison level 5 seems too challenging, like more than I'll be able to handle. I can tell you with certainty my old mental programming would have told me I couldn't do it, so don't even bother trying. My new mental programming tells me all I have to do is my best and I will succeed. It reminds me that I've gotten through 4 different levels already, and the way I approach this one will be the same. I will try, I will learn, I will get better, and I will get through it. Come day 10 of level 5, I really want to see how I feel compared to how I feel right now in this post.

Day 40: Farewell Beloved L4!

Today was my last day of level four and it was grrrreat! I really gave it my all, I cannot even tell you. I pushed myself, and then I kept pushing myself. I was so in love with level 4, I felt I wanted to give it my all because it deserved one last hurrah! And it burned...

It's so funny to me because when I first started this program I had to do cardio before muscular structure because the toning wore me out so much and I didnt' have the energy to get through cardio. Now, I feel uncomfortable thinking about doing cardio first. I like doing toning, then boot camp cardio, then finishing up with trampoline work. I notice this allows me to give it my all during mat, and then keep going with cardio, then get a final energy boost on the trampoline. I noticed I haven't voiced concerns over lack of energy during my workouts lately, which makes me really happy, as increased energy was one of my biggest objectives in wanting to do this program. We'll see if I still have energy doing level 5 come tomorrow.

I really wanted to weigh myself today but I don't have a scale and won't be going to my bf's house today (he's got the scale I use to measure myself every 2 weeks). I woke up feeling lighter than usual. My posture was good, my stomach felt calm inside, I saw tone in my arms and legs. I've convinced myself that I've hit the 10 lb mark (my last weigh in I had lost 8.5 lbs). Yesterday, my jeans seemed to fit better, but you never can tell for sure since jeans stretch after not washing them for a few days.

But regardless of weight and measurements, after 2 months of doing this program, I'm feeling motivated to keep working out, motivated to see results when they come, and motivated to keep getting more and more fit. I think the program changing every 10 days has so many benefits both physical and mental. It's a great way to be able to see accomplishments that have nothing to do with the number on the scale. In the past, I know that if I had worked out 5 hours a week for two months and only lost 10 pounds I would have been disappointed only because it feels like I'm not moving forward that much, and so who knows if I would ever get to the 50 pound mark. Instead, I can tell I'm accomplishing and improving my upon my objectives, and I don't have to depend on a scale to tell me that. The scale doesn't feel like an enemy any more, but instead it feels like a cheerleader rooting me on along my journey.

Day 39: Another Great Day

Recently it seems like my good workout days are outweighing the bad. I just L. O. V. E. level 4! I've heard level 5 is good too so I'm looking forward to starting that day after tomorrow. Working out on the weekends is not as bad as I had made it out in my head to be. As I mentioned, I will be doing 7 workouts this week to make up for the two I missed last week, and beyond that I will still shoot for 6 workouts a week now that I discovered that even if other people are home on the weekends, I still have an uninterrupted space I can workout in. Yay! I'm just so happy that my brain is devoping good habits that keep me going with my workout.

So I saw Tracy on QVC and apparently she is pregnant with her second child. Even though I don't know her personally I am happy for her. She also mentioned she'll be making pregnancy workouts which I thought was a neat development (still waiting on that rebounding workout from Tracy, so excited!).

One additional thing I was thinking about was that after I finish metamorphosis, I might do my perfect design series for a month, and that will take me to the new year where I can start meta over, and order continuity at that point. I just feel like my starting level of fitness will be so different doing meta the 2nd time around that I'm bound to get more out of it...haha, you know what, I just talked myself out of it. Nope...I'm gonna do PDS1-3 but then I'm gonna start the new year with continuity. I not only want to keep moving forward, but I just feel like I will be too fit for the earlier levels of meta and there is no need to waste time when I could be building my fitness in a truly forward direction with continuity. Alright, I won't bring the possibility of repeating meta up again.

I'm really excited to get to level 5 in spite of having to leave my beloved leve 4 behind... I'm actually getting there. I can't believe how far I've made it. Shania Twain is playing in my head..."they said, I bet, they'll never make it but just look at us going strong!!!!" that's how I feel. Not that anyone else said I'd never make it, but in my head I just couldn't imagine it. It seems true that we are often our own worst critics. I would like to become my own best cheerleader, supporter, friend.

Stressing About Food

I'm feeling a little bummed because my pants are still tight on me around my waist. I just would have thought that 8 weeks into this process not that I would drop a size but that my pants wouldn't be so tight around my stomache, that they would simply fit. Normally, I weigh myself every 2 weeks, but since I'm 2 days behind on my workouts, I wanted to finish them before I actually weigh myself. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't lose any weight or if I gained weight for that matter.

I feel like my cardio is exerting less calories since I'm not able to jump around (due to shin splints and knee pain). I guess when I think about it, I am still exerting a lot of energy in doing my mat work though. The other things that made me feel like I'm going backwards is that a few weeks back my posture was really improved and it was actually more comfortable to stand up straight than it was to slouch. Well, that's totally reversed again, so I wonder what happened there?

Also, for a person in their 20's year old, my body is very stiff. If I've been sitting for a while, I get up like a stereotypical elderly person would get up...slowly and stiffly. The first few steps I take in the morning make me feel like Frankenstein because my back, my neck, my knees, the arches of my feet are all stiff. When I went on a green smoothie fast for one week, I was amazed that I would wake up limber in the morning. That I could sit for long periods of time, and when I got up I neither had any pain nor was I stiff. I was fluid and limber and mobile in my body. It had been so long since that was the case, I couldn't even remember a time when I wasn't stiff. I didn't even realize I was stiff until I felt what it was like to not be.

I guess I'm saying all this because I want to take steps to improve my diet. But it's really hard to be patient trying to get my diet into balance. I know that overhauling my diet does not work for me if it is in one fell swoop. I've learned this in my TRANSITION into eating vegan. When it comes to food, changes do not stick if they happen overnight. Truly, I cannot last more than a couple days on a diet. A few years back, Atkins only lasted 3 days! My longest diet was a raw food diet which lasted 21 days.

There is soooo much to gain from me eating healthfully...clear skin, energy, aches and pains gone, more even emotions, weight loss...but yet there are also things for me to lose...I haven't learned how to deal with stress without eating so I'd just be an anxious ball and I don't know how long I could take that before I just binged. I suppose that's the biggest obstacle. There is also the social one because I enjoy going out to eat, and cooking for and with others and I don't want to miss out on these things. But the truth is I believe I miss out on more things in life because I don't eat healthfully rather than if I did. I would truly love to find a balance between eating luscious and healthy whole foods, and then occassionally foods that were still luscious but less healthy. I mean, I don't social eat every day...so why can't I eat cleanly most of the time, and be okay with eating less healthy in the social situations that called for it? Instead, I find myself feeling like I can only have it one way or the other...sounds like the perfectionist in my rearing its crazy head again.

Keeping a food diary has been amazing because it really helps me see that I don't eat as healthfully as I think I do. I eat mostly all natural foods. But I eat large portions, and though the foods are natural they are still processed rather than whole foods. On the one hand, I feel like this is just a logistics issue of me not cooking food from scratch as much as I could, not planning a grocery list, and not having recipes on hand. But, on the flip of that, I feel like even if I did do all those things, I'd still be overeating to deal with my emotions.

I've been a binge eater for many years now. I remember in jr. high school, that I didn't like asking my parents for money, so I'd eat breakfast but then wouldnt' eat all day at school. Then once I get home, I would crash in front of the TV and eat and eat. I would have a certain window of time to relax before my parents got home. While my parents are nice people, they are a source of stress that I haven't learned how to handle. Even to this day, the biggest relief for me comes in the form of having a window of time all to myself in the house with food and television.

I need to think. I'm gonna contemplate some more on this food stuff...try to use the lessons I've learned from the method, and see if those can be applied to food. A nice TAM fan suggested I check out a book called Skinny Thinking, which I looked up on amazon and it seemed worthwhile. There was also an accompanying workbook. While I've read a couple books on emotional eating, I've never done a workbook, and to me that seems like the way to go if I actually want to apply the principles I read about to my own life and my own situation.

Oh! One other thing that I thought was interesting (though not food related). I was watching TV last night after work, and normally I love watching infomercials (usually the fitness ones). Anyway, I was gonna watch one to see what it was about when I suddenly realized....oh wait, I have a fitness solution. I can stop looking now...that was a cool feeling. It just reminded me too of what Tracy has said about women hopping from one trend to the next not really finding a solution. I know I've found THE solution for me as far as fitness goes. Now to that pesky diet of mine...I'll have to get back to you on that one.

Day 38: Progress Over Perfection

Today was a good workout day :) I pushed myself in muscular structure work and did more reps than I've been able to do any other day. In fact, I've sort of learned to push through the burn even more so than in the past. I've learned that the burn isn't gonna kill me if I just keep working through it. Did my cardio by step-touching the 2 bootcamp segments. I jumped if it was a move that landed on two feet (like a jumping jack move for example). I'm hoping this will help me build up and eventually avoid shin splints. Then I did 10 minutes free styling on the trampoline while watching my DVR recording of Tracy the last time she was on QVC. She is supposed to be on again this weekend, and I'm thinking about calling in, but at the same time I want to have more tangible results before I attempt to talk to her. But, still excited to have new segments to watch. Can't wait for her new trampoline workout either!

So yeah, excited to move onto LEVEL 5 in just a couple days! (I can't believe how far I've made it). I'll be working out 7 days next week so that I'm back on track (I missed two workouts last week). I'm happy that I'm able to break old habits, and not get sucked back into the thinking of having to start all over just because I got a little off track last week. It's not as hard to get back on track as I made it up in my mind to be. It's almost a joke that for me to miss 2 out of 5 workouts for my week is now considered "offtrack" whereas two months ago, I didn't even work out 1 day a week! Amazing...I'll take progress over perfection anyday.

Day 37: It's All Mental

Golly, between that time of the month, getting over my cold, fighting depressive thoughts, and LIFE, I felt like I was mentally bouncing around and swirling trying to regain my equilibrium. By the end of this week (Saturday) I will have done 3 workouts instead of the 5 I've been doing the past 7 weeks. I'll be honest, I was nervous. I didn't know for sure that I'd be able to get back into my good habits. After all, I've been a non-consistent exerciser for my whole life, so it would seem that 7 weeks may not be enough time to confidently overcome a lifetime of an engrained habit (not working out regularly). Thankfully, after today's workout, day 37, I feel back on track mentally which is what I've come to realize is the biggest challenge of metamorphosis and probably most other goals for that matter. The physical part is easy peasy compared to the mental (don't get me wrong, Tracy's workout is the most challenging I've ever done).

I had forgotten how good it feels to get all the way through an hour long workout, and what a sense of accomplishments that I feel ever day, every week, and every level I get through. I'd forgotten how good it feels to move my body and how good it feels to have muscles activating in place of my body I've never even felt muscles being used before. I had quickly forgotten these things, and instead was focusing on...hmm...what was I focusing on that made it hard to get back on track? I guess I was just focusing on not wanting to do anything at all which to me sounds like depsression. I think I was also discouraged at how much less intensity I can do my cardio with due to shin splints and knee pain. It felt like I had taken a step backwards, and it felt like maybe I wasn't gonna make it to the end with good results. I think again diet through me off too. I had forgotten my goal, my main goal was to get all the way through the program and that's it. There really is something to being able to let go of what I want my results to be (in terms of weight loss). When I'm focused on losing weight, I get worried and stressed because I don't know when weight loss will happen. I really divert so much energy (and worry and stress) into the outcome, and the truth is that takes away the energy and focus from working out. Which of course if I'm not working out I will naturally have more weight on me. Vicious cycles are crazy things because you're spinning so fast and get so caught up in them that it feels like being in a cycle is normal. It takes a lot of effort to realize you do have the power to break the cycle and take a different path.

So, what helped me break the cycle of working out for a bit, taking a few days off, throwing in the towel for a while, starting over, repeat over and over again for many years? Several thoughts came to me in a conversation I had with myself today. I think the first thing I felt was fear/fatigue/anxiety all in one. I was afraid that all my hard work would have been for nothing because in the end I thought maybe I was about to break my good habit and be sucked back into the vicious cycle. I didn't feel like exercising, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to convince myself to do it. I was anxious for the day ahead and just wanted to drown out those thoughts with food and television. I felt tired because my food choices really affect my body, and food is something I'm still working on, and until I can eat healthier I have to accept that my energy levels only have a certain capacity at this time. That's how I started my day.

Then I thought to myself, well let me just put on my workout clothes and that will help get me into my exercising mindset. That helped because apparently habits don't have to work against you, they can work in your favor as well. It got me enough in the mindset that I was able to start my workout. Then as I was doing my workout, I once again reminded myself that 1hour a day is nothing (especially when thinking about it in terms of how fast an hour of tv goes by, or how short an hour of work or school is). If I was feeling stress or depression or that I wasn't in shape enough to do the workout, I reminded myself that exercise helps with depression and it is a fact that if I continue on I will get into better shape, and that I only have to do my best and nothing more. I reminded myself that exercise could only serve to positively impact every other area of my life that I struggle with. It has no downside, and in an hour it'll be over.

In the end I got through it. It's so weird to me because if I have 10 or 5 or 30 minutes left of a workout, it feels the same. But the minute it's over I can't believe it's already finished, and I can't believe I made it through the challenges that day. Even 37 days later, my mind doesn't know how strong I am or what I'm capable of. But, I believe in time it will. I continue to be amazed with how many life lessons I'm gaining fromt this program that are not even related to getting in shape physically, but are instead about getting in shape mentally. Whew, it feels so good to be back.

Day 34-36: Offtrack yet still Ontrack

Not really sure what happened these last couple days, but I'm gonna give it a gander. Last week I finished up my 5th day of exercise for the week without doing my cardio. Since I finished on a Thursday, (normally finish on a Friday) I thought well I can do it tomorrow, but then Friday and Saturday came and I still hadn't done it. Thought to myself, well, I'll make up for in on one of my off days the next week. Then Sunday and Monday went by and still no cardio...that was the first time that's happened since I began my journey 7 weeks ago, (what??? has it been 7 weeks?? crazy...).

Well, part of it was about finding balance. I had attemped to exercise 6 days last week instead of my usual 5 because I wanted to get through the levels faster (level 3 was so painful afterall). And the truth is, I liked starting my workout week on a Sunday instead of Monday because then by Thursday I've already completed all my workouts. However, I continue to find that going for 6 days a week is too much for me right now, and so it took me having 4 days in a row off to get back into balance I guess. I'm constantly recalibrating to equilibrium whether I realize it or not. However, the other thing is that I had a low level cold for the first time in like 5 years which was depleting my energy and was the reason I couldn't get through the cardio in the first place! Since going veggie, colds have been a thing of the past for me. But I think all these new workouts were a change for my body, and also the weather became very cold the night before I got sick, and I also had a big emotional crying session the night before I got sick too. So, it was the combination. Anyways, my point is that having a cold left me really out of breath and so I'm not mad at myself or disappointed that I didn't do the workout. It is understandable, AND I still plan to do an extra cardio session come next week to make up for it.

I guess I just want to reiterate how important it is to keep moving foward. Slowing down is not the same thing as stopping or going backwards. But when I get hungup on things that inhibit me from moving forward, therein lies the actual problem. Thankfully, today I was able to get some momentum back and get back on track. I had actually felt that I might have gotten so far off track that I didn't want to exercise anymore. I wanted to give up many times thoughout my workout...after I had done everything on the right side and still had to do the left...5 minutes into cardio, again at the 10 minute mark, again at the 20 minute mark, one last time at the 25 minute mark.

I was feeling depressed, and in spite of exercising being a mood lifter I just didn't want to do it. I asked myself why I didn't want to, and the response was that I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to go watch TV and eat in order to try and tune out my depressing thoughts. I immediately responded to myself that that was not a good enough reason. My response wasn't harsh mind you, it was with a smile and an imaginary hug that acknowledged my feelings, but also acknowledged that another part of me wanted to get through this workout, to be able to check it off the list for today. Also, I reminded myself that I wasn't working out all day after all. It was just one hour in the entire day. I thought of how quickly that time goes by sitting in front of the TV. I thought about the time I spend at work, and that 1 hour is just not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. I told myself how the small investment of an hour will have a positive impact on many areas of my life. In other words, the investment was small compared to the payback.
That in the long run exercise will help me mentally and physically and emotionally on many different levels.

When I was struggling with the number of reps I had to do, I told myself just to do 5 reps, and sometimes that was all I could get through, but for the most part I ended up doing more reps than I thought I could get through. When it came to cardio, I told myself all I had to do was step touch as long as I made it thought the 30 minutes that was the most important thing. What amazes me I suppose and what I'm thankful for, is that all these positive thoughts were inside me, because I had learned them earlier in my journey. And I was thankful that they were there to give me stregnth and bring me out of my default programming that said I have to do it perfectly or it's not gonna work. I don't have enough energy to get through the workout (sure that's true if I'm doing all the reps and jumping all through the cardio. That thought is no longer true once I do as many reps as I can and step touch cardio).

Another thing is I ask myself am I breathing heavy? Do I feel a burn? In spite of both of these things did I keep pushing through and yet I'm still not able to get through all the reps? Well at that point I realize I have indeed given it my all, and I am doing a good job in spite of not being perfect.

I liked finishing my workout by 10:30 this morning. I liked having my protein shake before hand. These two things are a helpful part of a my routine that get the ball rolling in the right direction. I'm so thankful that at least for today I was back ontrack. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'm still trying, I'm still in the game, I still have my eyes on the prize, I still try to balance out my negative thoughts with positive ones. It's gotten me further than I've ever gotten in my life with exercise. I'm gonna keep going. I'm gonna keep trying. I just need to remember to keep moving forward. Take it one move at a time, first arms, then abs, then legs, one at a time. One at a time adds up when you have faith.

Day 33: Level 4, Gimme More

Ahhhh...still in love with level 4. I enjoy the moves, I'm amazed at how many different ways Tracy has figured out to move the body, the movements just feel goooood. I did the beginning cardio today plus jumped on the rebounder while watching various Tracy clips. Great workout day!

Yesterday, I was binging a lot! Part of it comes from me having started going through my food journal, and calculating the actual calories whereas before I just wrote the foods and an approximate quantity. My intention was that over time I wanted to upgrade the quality of my food (white grains to whole grains, add in more fruits and veggies). But because I'm suddenly looking at calories, it's creating and anxious reaction in me which of course creates more binging. I was worried for the first time that I'll start to gain back weight in spite of my exercise continuing strong, and in fact increasing since I went from 5 days a week in L1-L3 to now six days a week starting at L4. I forgot briefly that my objective was in seeing how food make me feel rather than associating food with weight. In my mind, exercise was gonna take care of the weight, and my body's signals would take care of diet.

I just felt so out of balance! Plus a family member lovingly bought some vegan ice cream and I polished off all of it in just a couple days. Normally, I wouldn't buy ice cream myself. It hurts me to know the good intentions of that person, yet they don't have issues with eating like I do, so they just wouldn't realize that they caused difficulty for me rather than their good intentions actually being appreciated. Sigh...food is so complex :/ particularly in a house where I can't control everything that's inside of it. I dont' have much space to keep my healthy fruits and veg in the fridge, or much room for my blender and juicer to again make healthy foods with. It's frustrating. But I'm okay. I feel better than I did yesterday. My ultimate goal is to get to the point of consuming green juice, green smoothies, and whole plant foods on a daily basis, while feeling balanced with having not perfectly healthy foods as well. I ultimately seek to find balance, and from doing TAM I have learned that it is not overnight but it is a process. However, the great thing is that through the process will come actual progress :)

Day 32: Still Lovin' Level 4

I am so happy that I am still loving level 4. I am falling in love with level 4 as it were. As much as I complained about level 3, is how much I'll be singing the praises of level 4! Awesome, awesome, awesome. Today for cardio I did the beginning cardio dvd without jumping. I did some very low jumping for just a couple moves, and felt the slightest twinge of discomfort in my shins, so I decided I'm gonna give it more time. As I've said before, I think my body needs more time to adjust to the moves, and more time to lose weight so that I'm jumping around with a lot less weight on me. Even though some of the moves on the dance cardio can't really be modified well for step touching, I still kept moving, improvising my own choreography but still mostly matching the direction and movement on screen. I must say I really did enjoy dancing today :) I tried to do the trampoline while watching TV like yesterday, but got sooo bored after a little over ten minutes. I'm so happy I've learned how to adapt the workout to suit my needs. I think I really like doing this six days a week, because it makes the days fly by that much faster. Excited to keep moving forward, keep getting more fit and toned, and reach the day where I am no longer overweight, but instead am fit! Can you believe that? Me, after all these years, a fit and toned person without excess body weight...wow, here I come :)

Day 31: Level 4 Rocks my Socks!

So today I started a new level today, on a Sunday. For the past three levels I had been taking weekends off, but I wanted to see if I could kick things up a notch and go for the full 6 days a week. So far so good, and I must say that I was so relieved and happy to discover that I LOVED level 4! It is definitely my favorite so far. It felt challenging yet manageable, and all the moves just felt like they were working and connecting my whole body, moving as one graceful (even if only in my head) unit. Even though I could not do all the reps, I loved the burn that I was feeling. I was even sweating which I haven't been doing in a while during the muscular structure work.

After that I did a half hour on the trampoline, just free styling but constantly changing up the moves. And...I decided to try to watch TV rather than listen to music during my cardio and it helped! I had been getting bored doing a half hour on the trampoline, so I watched half of the QVC episode Tracy was on (equals 30 minutes) so I was motivated, and wonderfullly distracted and honest to goodness my workout went by so quick today. It was a day where I felt empowered rather than exhausted by my workout (similarly akin to day 19). It is particularly comparable to day 19 because day 18 was one of my most difficult workout days so far in the same way that level 3 was just awful compared to level 4. But, I hung in there, and lo and behold things got better :) Isn't that nice?

I was so happy about level 4, because in doing level 3 I was concerned that I was getting sick of the method but instead I discovered it was just that level that felt poo poo. Now, I feel quite reinvigorated to do the method and I'm excited to be doing it 6 days a week because that will just keep a perpetual motion on my results.

May I say that I am really proud of myself for and the little accomplishments I've had along the way. I am at the same time thankful that things have been working out as well as they have. After all, had Tracy not been on QVC I might not have gotten the boost of motivation I needed to commit to the program. Honestly, there are so many factors, (and someday soon I'll make a list) that have contributed to me having success this time around. I am both thankful for the blessings in this process, and I'm proud of myself for meeting those blessings half way and doing my part.

I had some coconut bliss ice cream today, and it was the first time in a while I've felt uncomfortable about what I'm eating. I had been trying to utilize Geneen Roth's techniques (of "Women, Food and God") to let go of the guilt associated with certain foods. Also, to not create a forbidden allure by thinking to myself I shouldn't be eating this and so psychologically I of course want more than if I didn't tell myself I couldn't eat it. I'm trying to learn that I can trust that I won't not stop eating just because I have one bite. It's a lot to learn, and it is certainly a process. But I think part of what triggered it is that for the most part I dont' have a sweet tooth. The ice cream was only in the freezer because someone else in the family bought it, and because it was there I was more compelled to eat it. But also, it had a fudge in it which had rice flour and I had commited to only eating whole grains. For me swapping out whole grains for white carbs is easy and enjoyable. But in this case, I couldn't choose to get the ice cream with whole grains.

Gosh, so many thoughts running through my head, but I am trying to be clear about what I was experiencing. Another aspect is that since I have been able to lose weight strictly through exercise, I had gotten to feel what it feels like to not associate the food I'm eating with weight issues. Instead, I was truly focusing on how the food reacted in my body, and how my body felt afterward. So let's see, afterward, I didn't really feel heavy or bloated or anything like that. I would say I was concerned about cavities. But it didn't make me feel as yucky as say eating an entire bag of chips makes me feel. Plus, now that I have lost weight, there is a fear of gaining it back :/ What if the program stops working? What if my body adapts and this is all the weight I lose. It comes back to another life lesson I got during this process which is faith. Not faith based on blindness. Instead I try to conjure up faith based simply on the possibility that something good could happen, rather than just focusing on the negative. I also try to have faith, that when things don't go exactly as planned that I will figure a way around it, to get through or around or over my road block and be able to keep moving forward.

As far as forbidden foods, it helps me alleviate my fears when I truthfully tell myself that if I need it I can eat as much of a food as I want. I try to picture endless amounnts of whatever the food is, and let myself know that if I want to, I really will allow myself to eat as much as I need and want. Honest to goodness, it doesn't make things perfect, but it does take the edge off of the worry that I've developed that I won't be able to get enough of what I want or need. Anway, lots of thoughts floating around. Hope it made sense. Can you see now why I waited six weeks before modifying my diet? Cuz, it's a whole boatload of other issues to deal with. It's okay though. I still feel comfortably confident about the direction I'm heading in. I can feel that I'm just trying to regain my balance again with these new dietary changes, and I will continue to have faith that good possibilites are there for me, not just for other people, but for me too.

Rest day, 8.5 Pounds Down

So I weighed myself today and I am down to 161.5 which is 8.5 pounds total weight loss with no dieting!! That is absolutely insane to me, and I just had no idea it was possible. Also, I was sitting in my car and looked down at my legs and though the change was subtle, there was a definite difference. I just can't believe change is actually happening, and I am for once moving forward, out of my old stuckness. I do hope to start level four tomorrow. This will be my first week of giving 6 days a week a try. Also, I wanted to say that I really feel comfortable virtually eliminating chips from my diet and replacing them with kale chips, crudites and baked potato depending on the situation. Also, my other dietary efforts will include stocking up on whole grains so that they are available easily to me, and then I want to add in a green juice at least every other day. Something neat I realized today is that for the first time my diet has less to do with my weight, thank for the actualy health benefits of eating healthy. Namely, my biggest motivators in easing into dietary changes is energy levels, digestive comfort, skin, and weight loss too. But still, weight loss is not number one on the list, so I feel that dietary changes have a stronger motivational backbone than they did before. Plus since I'm easing into it, I really do feel comfortable rather than anxious or deprived. Okay, enough for now, need to catch some zzzzzz's.