Stress and Hunger are 2 Different Things

The following is about me trying to understand the multi-faceted-ness of my compulsive eating:

So I was planning on getting take out this evening. However, I needed to shower, get dressed, etc and this would take about an hour. Then I would need to drive, order the food, etc etc. The point is, I was hungry but knew I wouldn't be able to eat for about an hour and a half. I felt anxious and on edge. The best way I can describe having a food craving and not being able to immediately satiate it is that inside I feel shakey, almost like I'm vibrating on the inside and I fear I might eventually pop like a shaken soda. It feels like I will keep shaking unless I get some food in me to calm the shaking and edgyness. Yet it's confusing because I know logically I'm not actually in any danger, nor am I actually shaking. I'm not actually gonna pop, or explode, nor is anything actually going to happen. I'm not at risk of starving even. Anyway, I remember feeling these things, but I got ready, got my food, and enjoyed it (as I feel that no matter what you eat it is important to enjoy it without guilt).

When I was almost done with my meal, but there was still a little bit left I noticed that my chewing had slowed down, my breathing was different (it's hard to recall if I was breathing more deeply more slowly more heavily or more quickly). I don't know what to call this stage exactly. Maybe that's what "full" technically is, but because I equate "full" with being "stuffed" I wouldn't call it full. However, I would venture to say it crosses over into some degree of satiation that I can actually differentiate from "hungry." On rare occasions when I try to be mentally present while eating (versus zoning out) I notice this shift in my eating. But the vast majority of the time I do not because I'm not paying attention. In fact, I am often using food to tune out.

Anyway, I acknowled my transition from hunger to the "shift" and continued to finish the rest of my meal. Yet after that last bite, I suppose I felt slightly disappointed that there was no more tasty food to experience. But I did not want to spend more money on food, even though I could have eaten more. On the drive home I was trying to understand why I would still feel hungry when I had more than an adequate portion (truly I am not being modest or skimping, the portion was plenty to get full off of).

I wondered what part of my body is wanting more food. I enjoyed tasty food without guilt so I didn't really feel like I wanted food because of some forbiden allure (you want you you can't have type situation). Is there some part of me craving food because I'm starved of nutrients? A possibility .... Is there some part of me that has to detox from addictive foods (in the way coffee is addictive, are the foods I'm eating which are chemically addictive for my body?)....again a possibiliy.

I suppose I felt a similar type of shakey-ness that I felt before I had eaten dinner. In my head I asked myself what am I feeling really? Am I hungry? Am I sleepy? The answer came to me...I am feeling anxious. I am not feeling hunger, I am feeling anxious. It's slightly peculiar, but I need to clarify that it wasn't like someone saying, "how are you feeling?" and in response I'd say "I'm feeling anxious". Nope. It wasn't emotional. It was that I was understanding the reaction of my body itself. In that moment I suppose I had a slight epiphane that I was able to separate the physical feeling of hunger, and the physical feeling of anxiousness, and in that moment I understood that these are two separate things.

For example, when we cry, we have tears physically streaming from our eyes. We may be sad or happy or just have an irritant in our eye, but we understand that the physical reaction of having tears doesn't autmatically tell us what our emotions are. We learn how it feels different to cry out of sadness or joy. Over many years, I've managed to fuse the feeling of "hunger" with anxiousness, sleepyness, stress, etc. and so rather than being able to tell them apart and come up with different solutions (get sleep, stress management), I eat to placate all these different needs.

I remember when I was in school I would eat to avoid homework. If I was eating I felt like I was legitimately needing to take time away from homework because I was occupied with something else that was important. When I would come home from school, I would sit on the couch watching TV and would eat for at least an hour because that was the time I felt I could relax and have to myself before my parents came home. When I would get out of class in the later evening, or work in the later evening, I would get fast food and watch TV to help me unwind before going to bed.

My point is just that for a brief moment this evening, I suddenly understood not just logically but on a deeper level, that the feelings I have in my body for hunger and the feelings I have in my body for anxiousness are not the same. The most common reason I over eat is that I am trying to calm my internal anxiousness.

After dinner, I didn't feel hungy. I realized what I really did feel- anxious. What a breakthrough! I'll be honest with you, I dealt with my anxiousness by watching TV. And you know what, it helped my anxiousness slowly fade. As some more time passed I realized I am thirsty, I am sleepy, I miss my bf...I also understood that I was not hungry. Perhaps I couldn't recognize that I was full, but for a change I recognized I am not hungry.