Level 1: Meta Take 2: Wiser & With New Habits

So this experience, this journey, doing the Method...it's less about "feeling motivated" and more about building habits. It is so quirky to me how resourceful my brain is at coming up with excuses to try to talk myself out of doing my TAM. With my monthly starting, I really felt entitled to skip my workout. But I remembered two things: #1 the period pain actually lessens during the workout & #2 it's not about being perfect, it's about doing something. Just do something, keep going, and it adds up.

Nourishment wise, I have reduced my binging greatly, and continue to try to recognize fullness. I have also added a new objective which is to add in a green juice, a green smoothie, and a salad to my diet. I figured out a recipe which makes me fall head over heels in love with my smoothie:

2/3 cup Almond Breeze vanilla almond milk (unsweetened)
1/3 cup water
2 handfuls prepackaged mixed baby greens (kale, spinach, chard)
8 drop NuNaturals liquid stevia
1 frozen banana

Blend Baby Blend

Omgoodness, I didn't even taste the greens and I truly enjoyed it. I ended up making it three times til I ran out of frozen bananas but I have a bunch of bananas ripening on my counter as we speak. Some other changes I've been easing into w/my diet: I did was cut out processed foods-chips, veggie meats, pre-packaged meals...this was actually done in order to save money and luckily I fairly quickly lost my cravings for these things.

The next thing was I realized how much what I was eating was making it harder to do my workout. So I insisted on either veggie juice, green smoothie, or nothing before my workout. That has made a positive impact as well. Also, even though I prefer to reduce packaging waste I went and bought pre-washed veggies. I figure if I can buy a bag of chips and not feel bad about the packaging then I should be able to buy a bag of veggies and not feel bad about it either (as long as I'm recycling of course). We have to work with what we've got. I'm used to convenience...okay let's make that convenience work to my advantage (easily accessible, ready- to- go bag of veggies instead of bag of chips). I've been eating so many veggies recently, and in their raw form to boot! Veggie juices of celery, cucumber, spinach carrot. I snacked on veggies while I watched TV (again using my habits to my advantage) eating shredded cabbage and cauliflower right out of the bag til there was nothin' left. Enjoyed the simplicity of fresh sliced jicama and avocado. And you know, when you get into a routine w/cleaning the juicer well it ain't so bad and it's totally worth it.

I also cut out gluten as I have noticed that gluten seems to consistently put me into a food coma. Not that hard to give up I must say. Now it's not that I'll never eat gluten again (that would make me crave it), but I'm enjoying gluten free alternatives just fine. Lastly, I started used reduced fat Vegenaise (yummy vegan mayo) which has half the calories of regular Vegenaise, and using cooking spray instead of oil. Easy Peasy.

The key for me is that it hasn't been about giving up anything...it's been more about making swaps that are still satisfying, and simultaneously adding in good things. Additionally, I came across a natural foods market in my neghborhood called Sprouts, and their prices are so much better than the other places I'd been shopping before! For now at least things are falling into place and I'm gonna ride that wave for as long as possible. Lastly, it's important for me to add that It's become more about healing my body rather than losing weight. Using food to gain back energy and feel better overall. That's what makes it easier to eat differently, because when I pay attention to my body and see how these foods are actually making me FEEL and not just how they taste, it starts to make new brain associations that work to my advantage.

Today I finished level 1 of Meta and am very happy to feel consistently back on track. I am actually going to change up the order of the levels this time around as I feel this order is progressively more challenging rather than feeling like the difficulty jumps around. So tomorrow, it's onto level 4. CHARGE!!!!

This is the order I plan to do Meta this time around:

Level 1, Level 4, Level 3, Level 5, Level 6, Level 2, Level 7, Level 8, Cont Level 1, Cont Level 2, Level 9, then Cont Level 3 and beyond.

Level 1/ Days 1-3: Learning & Re-Learning

Workout & Nutrition:

• Meta Level 1, Days #1-3
• Re-Learning a Healthy Food Relationship (Un-Learning Emotional Eating)

Thoughts:

I am feeling the burn every day from Level 1. Honestly I'm a little surprised because it's not like I had been working out recently and in fact my bootcamp/mat/pds workouts are longer than meta. And yet, my legs have been wonderfully sore these last three days. Makes me very happy to know how effective Meta is! It is a really wonderful thing to have experience under my belt from last year when I made it to level 8. It's really great to know that challenges that once seemed impossible are doable when taken one day at a time. It's powerful to know my personal best is what is required to succeed and not perfection. It is just amazing how our brains form such deep grooves from our habits because on day one I found myself yet again thinking "oh this is too hard, I'm too out of shape, I'll never get better at this, I should find an easier workout"...thank goodness I've learned through experience that none of these things are true! It's one thing to take somebody's word at try to internalize it as truth, but it's such a different thing to be able to learn based on our own experiences.

My un-learning emotional eating is continuing to go well thankfully and this is something I'm so pleased about. I want to be clear that I am not at the point where I eat only when I'm hungry and stop the instant I'm full. But I would say I'm probably 75-80% there which blows my mind considering how many years upon years I've been eating for every reason there is to eat other than hunger (stress, boredom, lonliness, fear, anxiety, depression, avoidance/procrastination). I am still dealing with bouts of depression because I'm allowing my feelings to be, rather than suppressing them with food. However, I don't think the depression is that much more than when I was suppressing my feelings with food. And again, I know I'm moving in the right direction moving away from emotional eating and I am simply going on faith here that I will learn how to better deal with things and that better things are in my future. I feel like since I'm living more in truth, and therefore with a clearer head, that hopefully better solutions will come.

Things I'm Continuing to Re- Learn:

1. My Personal best is good enough- It does not matter if I can only do ten reps at a time on certain exercises. Just keep going because I will improve from wherever I'm starting and will without a doubt continue to improve, but I must keep going forward.
2. Take Things one day at a time- It is ridiculously easy to get overwhelmed, so please allow each day's challenges to be taken one day at a time. Each day will amount to something once enough time passes. But again, I must keep going forward to see that come to fruition.
3. I Am indeed stronger than I know- Sometimes I have to allow my brain to stay out of the way because it tries to convince me that things are too difficult. And yet, if I ignore my brain I find that the workout or particular leg move is already over and I can't believe I made it through.
4. Remebering the workout is only 1 hour a day- How short an hour is for all the payback that this program delivers! This is applicable when I don't want to do the left leg (it's only ten minutes more) or I don't want to do the cardio (it's merely 30 minutes).
5. Keep Questioning my beliefs and use my thoughts to my advantage-Today I thought to myself "I am too tired to do the cardio" (this was 5 minutes into my cardio btw.) So of course my old habits pop into my head, "well you are out of shape and this is a hard workout and you ate poorly today". Then my newer habit popped into my head "yes but lucky for you doing your cardio will give you energy in the long run whereas stopping it will not." yay! can't argue with that one!

Fluctuating Emotions and the Power to Ignore

Foodwise I've been generally keeping up my new habit of recognizing the difference between wanting to eat out of emotion versus wanting to eat out of hunger. I wouldn't say I only eat when I'm hungry and stop the instant I'm full, but I have made in my mind a monumental shift.

I am constantly recognizing that the thing I use food for more than anything is for AVOIDANCE. Even today, I wanted to avoid all sorts of little things in regards to dealing with my life, or life circumstances. And so quickly, like split second I was misinterpreting these signals as hunger. I went to the fridge probably 3 times today, opened it up and remembered, oh yeah this isn't hunger and walked right out of the kitchen. It is such an ingrained thing to think food will solve whatever issue I'm dealing with. In my mind I think, oh as soon as I eat this I will feel...energized, focus, calm, more put together, settled, and that's why I need to eat before I can deal with (fill in the blank). I don't think any of those things has ever happened after a meal. Quite the opposite actually. I'm inclined to feel sleepier, out of control, and left wondering what happened to the clarity that was supposed to come from that meal? And then I'd search for something else thinking the first meal was the issue, and not the fact that the reason food didn't solve my problem is because hunger wasn't my problem. That's pretty big to me that I've made it to that next step that I recognize my feelings but now instead of eating in spite of those feelings I'm mostly able to walk away from the food.

Something I noticed is if I plan to eat something, and then I ask myself what are you going to eat afterwards it also helps me tell if I'm hungry or eating emotionally. If I'm hungry I think I won't want anything after this meal. If I'm emotional, I start going through a list of other things I'll eat as soon as I'm done with the current meal. I also check to see what I plan to do after the meal. I've asked myself several times, are you hungry...yes, are you really hungry...no. But I'm not forcing myself not to eat, and it goes beyond just acknowledging what I'm feeling. I'm actually REALIZING I am not hungry and food will not solve my issue. Does that mean things are peachy keen?...Well, no not exactly. And yet I do believe it's still progress.

I mentioned the other day how stopping eating emotionally is not when you start to feel better, because now I'm dealing with my actual uncomfortable emotions rather than suppressing those emotions with food. And now, I am finding myself sitting here, pacing, scratching my head, shedding a few tears with what I'm to do next. I want someone to rescue me because in this moment it feels like I cannot rescue myself. And yet here I am still standing, still breathing. To my surprise, not stuffing my emotions has not been the end of me. Am I comforted? no. Would food bring me comfort? surprisingly no.

So now I'm looking for that comfort and I'm not yet sure where to find it. I tried praying, and I haven't given up on prayer but when you don't feel any different after you've prayed you wonder if anyone actually hears you...well the point is, thusfar it hasn't brought me the level of comfort I'm looking for. I tried talking to my bf and he supports me the best he can, he really does. He's amazing! But in talking to him I realized too that in my mind I want him to drop everything in his life so he can focus on taking care of me, of rehabilitating me. And that's not really reasonable. So that leaves me with counseling which I've not yet tried but it feels like another obstacle to overcome to find a counselor and the fear of will this actually work or will it make me feel worse comes up.

I feel like I need rehab. I don't know what rehab actually entails but in my mind it entails a supportive counselor who helps you discover how you can help yourself. It's removed from your current life in a peaceful setting so there's a certain degree of not being smack in the middle of your problems. And maybe there's massages? These things don't seem so unreasonable. A counselor, massages, and a peaceful environment.

I'm sorry this one was a bit of a downer. It's not all bad. I'm moving forward, I'm not stuffing myself with food. But now I'm in uncharted territory wondering: if I'm not going to eat to procrastinate dealing with my emotions anymore, how do I actually deal with them?

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Oh my goodness I was so depressed yesterday! I am feeling a ton better today. I ended up killing time at Target yesterday and picked up a book by Joel Osteen called Every Day a Friday. While he is a pastor and I don't have a religious affiliation, I was skimming through the book and found a lot of positive messages in it that were very applicable to me. So I sat reading it and reading it and finally after a while I started to feel little glimmers of hope in me again. It simply helped me remember what hope felt like.

The most powerful message I've gotten from it so far is this. He said something along the lines of: "People are fully entitled to express their opinion." Now I didn't like hearing that because while I feel people are entitled having an opinion I don't like hearing rudeness or having to deal with their opinion if I didn't ask for it. But then he said "And you are fully entitled to ignore them". That was something I'd never really heard before, that my option to ignore them was just as powerful as their option to have a negative judgement. But the way he said it really struck a chord with me. It gave me back a sense of power. I am unhealthily sensitive to others' negative comments or negativity in general. It makes me so mad/sad because I'll think to myself "why are people like that?" But when he said I was fully entitled to ignore it, it just empowered it. It made me feel that I could function even if someone had a negative opinion of me because I have power too, and that's the power to choose that their opinion is irrelevent in my life if it doesn't serve my life. That even though I heard it, doesn't mean it has any power. That even though they may try to burden me with their negativity, that I can say no thank you without saying a word. My power is within me, not within them. I know these sound like logical things, but sometimes a phrase just resonates at a deeper level. And that little phrase made me feel so much better today. Happy Weekend!

Having a Cold Changed my Eating Habits

So this past week has been very interesting foodwise, borderline revolutionary but it's only been a week so we'll see if that revoluion leads to a permanent evolution. Anyway, basically I caught a cold, and in spite of that my body wanted to move through the stretching and limber movements of the method and so I moved. Then I got my period and this month had no pains! And so...I moved some more. These 2 obstacles have derailed my efforts in the past, but this time my body and carried me through. Now for the food...

My cold had the side effect of suppressing my appetite, not to unhealthy levels but to normal levels. It seemed to suppress my brain as well to a more calm attitude surrounding food. It started a week ago, on Friday when I received a complimentary app, meal w/side and dessert from one of my favorite restaurants...free food! And the thing was that as much as I wanted to eat this yummy food, my body didn't want too. It felt full before it felt stuffed. And let me clarify that the vast majority of the time I can feel stuffed with a pregnant looking belly and still not feel full or satiated.

So, this pattern continued over the course of the days that I had a cold. Then the cold healed and I was left with this experience of what it feels like to eat, to feel full, and to stop thinking/stop obsessing about food all day til my next meal. Now it wasn't as easy as when I had a cold, but it was probably about 50% there. The other 50% came from me talking myself through these situations.

For example, I passed by a bag of chips, my biggest source of quick and empty calories and a definite trigger food where if I see it I'm compelled to eat it. My first instinct was to grab some chips, literally without any conscious thought. But then I asked myself, "is that what i want... yes" came the answer. Suspecting this wasn't true I asked myself, "is that what you really want, because if it is you can have some... no". "what do you really want...i dont' know, but not food." Wow, when does that ever happen?

Even though I've recognized for a long time that I'm an emotional eater and stress eater, I was able to take to to the next level by actually rejecting the food. I had a couple other thoughts as well that I've realized.

1) When I stop emotionally eating it is uncomfortable not because I'm doing the wrong thing, but because I'm not using the food to suppress my uncomfortable feelings. Whereas I want to feel like I'm taking a step forward by not emotionally eating, the discomfort tricks me because the negative feelings makes me seem like I'm taking a step backwards. I realized, however, that those feelings of discomfort are in fact taking a step forward, because now I can actually deal with those feelings. Dealing with the feelings is the next step. The next step after that is the feeling better part (I presume), but in order to get there I realized I am in fact making progress by not suppressing my discomfort.

2) Whereas before I thought eating emotionally made me feel better (because food tastes good) I realized that eating emotionally makes me feel WORSE! I feel physically worse because I've over eaten. But now I'm not only not dealing with my original issues but I now have a weight issue to deal with it on top of that. Emotional eating is not suppressing my problems, and it is not even a neutral event. Emotional eating ONLY has negative side effects. I remember when I first started meta last year and when I was depressed or stressed and didn't want to exercise I would ask myself, "will not exercising make the problem with work/people/etc go away?...no". So somehow it occurred to me to ask the same thing about food, "will eating this help with x,y,z, situation, no" In fact I realized the only problem eating solves is hunger. It serves a wonderful purpose and that is to feed myself, but eating only solves one problem, hunger...it does not solve any other problem and as I stated before only makes my other problems worse because I now have a weight issue to deal with on top of those other things.

3) The last thing was that I refused to diet ever again. I had heard Portia de Rossi say those words"refuse to diet ever again" on a youtube video for her book tour where she talked about her eating disorder. This makes it tricky at first because it feels like if I refuse to diet then where does that leave me if I want to lose weight? But instead, since dieting was truly no longer an option in my mind, it further nudged my brain to say dealing with this eating is not going to be solved with a diet so you've got to figure something else out.

The thing is, it really has been less of a struggle. I'm not fighting myself and wanting to eat in spite of my logical realizations. Instead I find myself surprisingly disappointed at the realization that food will in fact not solve these other problems. At least in the moment I'm disappointed to realize this. At the end of the day, I am soooooo happy to not feel ravenous all day, to not obsess about food all day, and to truly feel a sense of freedom around food I haven't felt since I was a child. I know I've had food epiphany's before so I don't yet know if this is a permanent change. But for now, it feels good to know, not just logically but deep inside me, that food is wonderful, but food is just food and nothing more.

Bootcamp Days #1-10

I am restarting my fitness journey with bootcamp. I think it's a good place to start because when I attempted bootcamp before, I got quick results and results are motivation to keep going!

• Bootcamp 40 reps alternating left leg one day and right leg the next
• GOOP Arms, Stacy Abs online clip
• Rebounder 5-15 minutes
• No dieting, instead re-learning a healthy food relationship

Day #1: In the past when I've started bootcamp I started with 20 reps on each side. However, I'm going to try something new. I don't want to do both legs each day. Instead I'm going to do just one leg per day but do 40 reps on each side. Tracy is all about pushing the large muscles to exhaustion so that the small ones kick in. Also, I just hate getting through all the reps on one side and then having the do it all over on the other side. Right now, it's too much for me mentally so I'm gonna give this a try instead. I say you have to work with your brain, and fit your circumstances to work for your life. Here we go!

Day #2: This is really hard. Really freaking hard. There are a couple moves that I just want to throw out all together but I'm not going to. It's hard to start all over, but I just have to take it one day at a time. Music helps. However, I can already feel my structure beginning to shift. The first places I see change are my shoulders and around my upper my whole lower abs/lower back region. Also, posture is slightly more lifted.

Day#3 & #4: It's so weird. Yesterday I was feeling really good about things and what I've been accomplishing as far as personal goals go. Today, I felt kinda blah. One of the bigger issues weighing on my mind is why I can't seem to identify being full. So, I just keep eating and eating waiting to feel full. I become incredibly stuffed with my belly protruding to its max, but I still don't feel full. I know I confuse anxiousness with hunger. But I can't believe how stuffed I can be and still not register in my brain as fullness. Actually, the part about it that is the most frustrating is that I've been really pushing myself in my exercises and going for it, and trying to perform, and then it feels like it gets sabotaged by this belly full of food. I'm not exaggerating when I say this, but if you saw me walking down the street in a form fitting shirt and I wasn't holding in my belly, you would literally think I was pregnant.

At the same time, I just don't want to diet, and I don't think in the long term it will behoove me to do so. I've read a couple books where the author's refused to diet anymore, and that was when they were finally able to lose weight naturally and without it being so much of a struggle. It worked out for multiple reasons, but basically when you can eat what you're craving without guilt, that forbiden allure goes away and your body learns to trust that you will no longer be deprived, so you no longer have to hoard food. I want that balance. I actually just realized that I think part of the issue is that when you first start working out, your hunger does increase...that might be what's going on because it's only these past few days that my hunger has been in this overdrive.

Day #5: I forgot how hard it is to start an exercise program and keep that momentum going beyond the first 2 days. Because then, the challenge of it kind of sinks in, and since you are not going to get drastic results after 5 days, it's kind of discouraging. It was one of those days where it felt like I will always be lugging around this extra weight, the exercises will always be challenging and exhausting, and not being able to envision my results beyond the initial firming that comes when you first start working out.

I really thought I was going to throw in the towel today. I thought this is too hard, I am too overweight/out of shape to be able to do this program. However, I did have glimpses of hope to keep me going though. I watched my DVR of when Tracy was on QVC to remember what this program delivers. More than anything, I rememebered that the biggest thing is to keep going with consistency because it will add up. That's the fear, that it will always be hard and yet I will always stay the same. But I don't think that's the truth. It's a scary space to be in though, this limbo. I will keep going, if only because it's very important we keep promises to ourselves. Otherwise, we learn we can't trust our own word. Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, the future will bring wonderful things, and each day I work out does add up. When that day comes, and it actually adds up, when I can go shopping and feel like I look good instead of wanting to hide, when I can walk tall and gracefully because my muslces are working for me...wow!

Day#6: I love doing my cardio on the rebounder! No shin splint for me this time. I am going to get leg warmers eventually to further help with shin splints.

Rest Day: So weird. I have a cold and it totally suppresses my hunger. Not that I feel like I'm not eating enough, but I actually want to stop eating when I feel full. I don't feel obsessed about food today at all (and I received a free appetizer, meal and dessert from my favorite restaurant today, so what a perfect day to be able to recognize fullness). Instead I just enjoyed the food and when I was full I didn't want to force myself to eat any more just for the taste. In fact the idea of having to eat more made me depressed and sick to my stomach. I wanted to box it up and take it home. Apparently this cold is a blessing in disguise because at least while it lasts it is here to teach me what fullness feels like and what it feels like to be meantally balanced when it comes to food.

Day#7: Don't know why, but I exercised today in spite of having a cold. I did end up taking a rest day yesterday because that's when I first got sick and I intended to do rest again today. But today I was moved to exercise, and so I moved. At this point I've memorized the exercises so I actually watched the Oprah Winfrey Network while I was exercising. I did have to take more time to catch my breath, but I truly couldn't believe I was able to do it. I found I like exercising while watching TV better than listening to music (at least for today). I know Tracy says you're not supposed to do that because you need to connect to your body, but it helps take my brain off the pain and struggle. It helps get me out of my head so I don't tell myself how difficult it is, or how I want to give up, or how it's not worth it. TV buys me time until exercise really starts to feel good, and I start to get strong and healthy, exercise allows me to turn off my brain and let my body do all the work.

Day#8: Today was a bit of a breakthrough day. Even though I've had a cold the last 3 days, I've managed to do my workout. It's so strange because my brain definitely tells me I'm fully entitled to rest. But then something triggers me. My body misses the movements, the stetching, the dynamic flow, and sometimes even that burn. When my body gets stronger, the burn and the challenge actually can feel good! Not always, and I still hate some moves (I'm looking at you side leg lift) but more moves than not felt good today. I also watched myself in the mirror as I did the GOOP arms video and I felt I rush of proudness for myself. I was proud of myself for what I've been able to accomplish in 8 days. I felt stronger today in one of my abs moves, a plank move actually so double the excitement. I could just tell that normally at a certain point I'd get shakey and want to stop but today I got through it feeling strong and empowered and wanting to give myself a high five. Wow I thought, this is actually starting to work! Real progress is beginning to unfold. One word, priceless.

Day#9: It was such a wonderful feeling to realize my cold has passed today. It came and went in 4 days. Not bad! I felt really proud of myself today. I am so close to moving onto the next level! On day one it doesn't feel like I was gonna get there. As the days move on, it doesn't feel like I'm gonna make any real progress. Procrastination is my middle name, stopping and starting over are the name of the game. I did learn to overcome this habit last year when I got to level 8 of Meta, but still a few months of progress doesn't undo a life-time of bad habit. I am so thankful that working out seems to already be turning into a good habit again. Also, today I seemed to really be able to feel the burn and keep going in spite of it. That's something so weird, because normally when we feel pain, we want to get out of it. In this case, the pain is a good thing, so it's like we have to re-wire our brain to think differently about it. I'm sure when my muscles tone really starts to come in, my brain will feel differently about it ;)

Day#10: Ah! Can't believe I made it to day ten, but here we are. Today's workout was challenging but I made it through and will start level 2 of bootcamp tomorrow. Minor food epiphany today. I've been reading Women Food and God before falling asleep for the last couple nights, so of course it gets me more focused on why I'm eating. So today, as I was halfway through my second breakfast burrito I kind of reminded myself to slow down and assess what I was feeling. I slowed down, and found I wasn't necessarily hungry and it was okay. So I stopped...midway through a burrito. For someone who is used to cleaning their plate as a cue for when to stop eating, it is a strange and confusing feeling to stop midway. But I did and read Women Food and God instead. It's a small victory, but just like exercise these small victories will add up.

Excited to start level of bootcamp tomorrow, excited that exercise is beginning to feel natural again, excited the be making tangible progress, excited to be moving forward, excited that Tracy is gonna be on QVC tonight!

Learning to Live without Bingeing

My Nutrition & Workouts: Calorie counting with prepackaged foods

• Sun -30 minute walk
• Mon-Bootcamp Day 6 (20 reps legs/25 reps abs) + 10 BC Cardio + 30 min walk
• Tues-Bootcamp Day 7 (20 reps legs/25 reps abs)

My Thoughts:

Dieting has been challenging. I am REALLY realizing how much of my life REVOLVES around food. Food is a good thing, a great thing actually. But I'm coming to find more and more how much I am out of balance when it comes to food. I use to as a crutch to not deal with emotions. I use it as entertainment, and distraction. Since I've been doing calorie counting using prepackaged meals, I'm kind of in limbo with what to do with the extra time that comes from not cooking and prepping and planning meals. And of course the extra time that comes from not binging on food through the uncomfortable spare moments of the day where all I have to deal with are my own scary thoughts. It's hard, but it's good. There are a great number of things I want to accomplish and take care of and forcing myself to have extra time without food as a crutch I believe will help to push me forward. But since I'm in the middle of learning this new lifestyle of not overeating, well it's just not an easy thing to do.

With the extra time on my hands and lack of distraction via food, now what's my next step? What's the next area of my life I can work on and take care of? How do I actually work through emotions rather than running away from them with food? What other interests would I like to enjoy besides food? While I've never had a drinking problem, it actually kind of sounds like what do I do now that I'm sober enough to actually live and not just exist? These are the questions I hope to learn to answer.

I also started taking evening walks with my bf. It is sooo lovely to get outdoors and breathe in that cool fresh air. It's nice to enjoy doing something fun with my bf besides going out to eat or to a movie. It's great that we can support each other in a habit that is both fun and healthy. My aim is to walk with him 30 minutes every other day.

Love the Original Mat Workout!

Today's Workout & Nutrition:

• Tracy's Original Mat DVD


• Calorie Counting

Today Thoughts:

Tracy's orginal mat dvd is awesome sauce! It's so funny because when I used to attempt the DVD before Metamorphosis even came out, I thought the video had very little cueing. Haha, now compared to Meta it makes Tracy seem like a Chatty Cathy. It's actually nice. Her voice is so soothing, and friendly and encouraging. Nothing like those trainers that yell at you in order to get you to push yourself. The thing I also like about it is that the legs are done in three separate chunks so you do left side then right side, then move onto something else left and right. Then at the end you do some more. Also, you're not doing 40 reps of anything. It made the workout go by so fast (even though it's an hour long). And of course the arms are a standout for this dvd as well, it's very impressive. I would LOVE more dvd's in this format.

Today was the first day I had to do socializing while on my diet. But I just brought my own food, and people were encouraging me that I was doing a good job rather than teasing me, so that was nice. It was a little tempting to have some of their yummy foods. Not that I was anywhere close to actually giving in, but I just thought it looked good. Also, I tried on the bridemaid dress I'll be wearing in November for my friends wedding. Size 14 was the verdict. I'm thinking come November I'll be an 8, but only time will tell.

Day 4: Workout Triggers

Today's Workout & Nutrition:

• Bootcamp Day #4 (20 reps legs/abs)
• Counting Calories

Today's Thoughts:

It was so weird to me because I was not going to workout today. Well actually, I started the day completely intending to workout. But it's day 2 of my monthly, and for some reason day 2 is always the painful one, so I felt it was reasonable not to workout. But then...I caught a glimpse of my shoulders/biceps in the mirror. Whenever I recommit to TAM, my arms and shoulders are the first to see the most immediate results. And when I saw the lovely definition that had begun to re-emerge in just three days of doing the bootcamp, I started to feel excited. I FELT LIKE IF I DIDN'T WORKOUT I'D BE MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING GREAT. You know that feeling you get when you start a new exercise program, or you watch the informerical, and you have hope and excitement for better things in your future? It triggers that part of your brain that wants to make a change, and you suddently have energy and momentum to do it. That's what seeing my arms did for me. It triggered my brain in a way where just a moment earlier I had completely convinced myself that I was in too much pain to workout. A split second shifted my brain to now yearn for a workout. Crazy!

It really reiterates yet again that our minds are tricky, but powerful. Bad habits can be unlearned if the mind can be taught a new habit that works to your advantage. The best part about developing a new habit it that the struggle finally falls by the wayside, because your habit carries you rather than fighting you.

Also, once I did start working out, my monthly pains completely subsided. Go figure.

Calorie counting continues to go surprisingly well. In a way, I suppose my mindset is that I have no other options other than the plan I laid out for myself which consists of all natural, low sodium prepackaged foods in addition to protein shakes. There are so many factors that can make a diet difficult. And so, in counting calories with nutritious prepackaged foods, my objective is to make dieting as simple as possible. Having to go buy produce, accounting for prep and cooking time, too many food choices....all these things can interfere very easily with sticking to a diet plan. So, I wanted to really eliminate as many obstacles as possible to make it as auto-pilot as possible (again having my habits carry me rather than struggling against myself). This is definitely not a permenent diet plan mind you. I really value healthy home cooking and fresh produce. This is just the first step to get me going in the right direction.

It's kind of weird though because I feel like in order to get through the first two days I had to exercise discipline and sterness with myself, kind of the idea of "tough love". But generally that idea doesn't resonate with me. I want to be as gentle and kind with myself as possible, yet when I do that perhaps I sometimes take advantage of my own kindness? I'm not sure. I'm definitely not beating myself up, or having negative self-talk to get myself to stick to the diet. I'm just having to be more stern and disciplined. As always, I think it's going to come back to finding balance. In this case finding a way to be disciplined without ridgity, and kind without being a pushover. Haha, hope that made sense.

Keep up the good work everybody. I've seen so many incredible befores, durings, and afters. I continue to be amazed by what an incredible program TAM is, and honestly I might not have known that had others not shared their experiences. For anyone who has put themselves out there to share their struggles and successes, I sincerely thank you!

Day 3: New Year's Resolutions

Today's Workout:

• Bootcamp Day #3 (20 reps legs/abs)

Today's Nutrition:

• Counting Calories

Today's Thoughts:

I upped my reps from 15 these past two days to 20 reps. I am really taking my time to ease back into things because it makes it feel doable and empowering, and that keeps me going forward. It is definitely still a challenge though.

So I never really got to share my New Year's resolutions so I'd like to do that today. My goals actually came out in a different form than they normally do. Normally I list them as more of a to-do list (lose weight, get fit, eat healthy). THIS YEAR WAS MORE ABOUT HOW I WOULD ACCOMPLISH MY GOALS RATHER THAN WHAT SPECIFIC GOALS I WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH (kind of like my "what has made this time different" post on the left side of my blog:

1. Consistently have goal awareness: In otherwords have the actual list of goals in front of me on a daily basis to help me stay focussed and remember what I'm trying to accomplish.
2. Have a clearer blueprint with specific steps to take: Write out an actual plan.
3. Start small and build slowly: Take gentle, less intimidating steps in the beginning and then build upon that foundation slowly but consistently.
4. Have patience by remembering the bigger picture: Accept that it will take time, but realize it is a journey to get there (and I will get there).
5. Workthrough feelings that hold me back: Identify and acknowledge the feelings that keep me from following through with a goal (fear, anxiety, depression, need for instant gratification), then figure out a way through them.
6. Have unconditional kindness, compassion and support for myself regardless of how well or poorly I may be doing with my goals.
7. Strive for balance not perfection.
8. Keep giving myself permission: Don't feel the need for someone else's approval, or encouragement. I can be that source for myself.
9. If possible, let go of past pains and scars: Learn to heal the painful feelings of my past that hold me back. "Who would I be/what would I do if I had no past?"
10. No matter how slowly I'm moving, keep moving forward/ climbing the wall.

Have a great day everyone :)

Day #2 Bootcamp

Did my day #2. As I am easing back into exercise I have not done any cardio yet. Also, I need to buy decent sports bra and I want to try leg warmers as I recently read someone on facebook say it made a real difference in their shin splints. Also, I called to have my Continuity postponed for 6 months, and it will take time for me to work through the many dvd's I already have which I'm happy about cuz I won't have to spend more money on DVD's for a while. Day 2 of calorie counting also went well.

So far, 2012 is off to a great start exercise wise. I am so thankful to be back in the game. The mind is just such a tricky thing. I really thought that with everything else I have to take care of in my life that exercise just wasn't going to happen for a while. But as soon as I got back into it, it started to feel natural. Such a great feeling. Don't get me wrong, I've definitely lost some fitness, but even better I've retained some fitness. Either way, it feels good to be moving again. In fact it feels wonderful. I love you Tracy Anderson!

Day #1 Bootcamp

Wowza, I forgot what this felt like! Tracy Anderson Method is no joke people! I haven't worked out in about 3 weeks and I completely forgot what this feels like. You really do use muscles that you don't ever use otherwise. You feel a burn unlike any other. But of course you already knew that. I knew that too, it just slipped my mind.

So I was feeling the excitement of the new year, reading the TAM blogs and everyone listing their resolutions, and the anticipations of wonderful new things that this year will have to offer. And of course, I wanted to do my resolutions too. I was trying to find a notebook to write them in and lo and behold I came upon my notebook from last year where I had started to write resolutions for 2011. My tone was not a hopeful one though. In fact I didn't even get to writing those resolutions. Instead I wrote three questions:

1) Is change even possible?

2) What will make this time different?

3) Does what I seek actually exist?

You see, I've had many of the same New Year's resolutions over and over again, and the weight loss one, well I've attempted that one for at least the last fifteen years. I wanted to go back every school year having finally lost weight. Then I wanted to lose weight by prom, then by the start of college, then by the time I turned 20. Never happened, not once in fifteen years have I lost all of my excess weight. But last year was different.

Last year I gave myself permission to not be perfect, and instead just do my best. I gave myself permission to take the tiniest baby steps possible (my first goal was literally to just play the dvd's each day for 90 days and sit and watch). And then magic happened. Suddenly I was moving beyond level 1 and then I moved past the first disc. With each new level I gained confidence in the process that even though this was gonna take some time, it was indeed going to happen.

And so, I have answered two of the three questions from last year...1) Is change even possible...ABSOLUTELY! 2) What will make this time different?...See the column on the left side of my blog. 3) Does what I seek actually exist?...I've yet to discover the answer to that one, but I at least feel I'm moving in the right direction.

So, my plan for this year in regards to TAM is to start with bootcamp. Although I'm not doing the diet, I am simply eating clean and counting calories. From there, I'm thinking I'll move onto the Perfect Design Series, and then onto Metamorphosis, Continuity and beyond!

Happy New Year TAMily!!

Hi everyone! I've been a little distracted by life for a bit but I'm still around. I'm in a very transitional time in my life and want to make so many changes in order to take my life in a different direction. I'll definitely be using the many lessons I've learned from TAM to help with these other areas of my life. However, I'll probably be continuing my break from blogging for a little while (couple months) but will definitely be back.

Best wishes to all of you! And have a wonderful new year in 2012!!

Day "81"

Not entirely sure why, but hadn't worked out in a week and a couple days. I had four more days of level 8 to go, but I jumped ahead and did day one of level 9 instead. I think level 8 is not my favorite, so I was itching to move onto something else. But also, since I had lost a little momentum, I wanted to propel myself forward so I did day one of level 9. As challenging as it was, it still feels great to be moving again, flexible, fluid, connecting to my body. I really forgot what it's like to have accesory muscles working for me. We forget so quickly, but trust me being in shape feels sooooooo much better than not. My legs felt so shakey when I got up from my mat. I will still complete the last 4 days of level 8, and cardio that I've missed before I claim the victory of having acomplished this crazy ride called Metamorphosis... but it ain't gonna happen by January 1. Oh well :)

Practicing Recipes

Today's Workout:

• Meta Cardio 30 minutes
• Rebounder freestyling 30 minutes

I had gone grocery shopping last day before recently and decided to pick up a few items so that I could practice making recipes in Tracy's dynamic eating plan. Here are my thoughts so far:

• blueberry applesauce-This was quite good! The tricky part was coring and peeling hot apples. They took a surprisingly long time to steam (at least 30 minutes if I recall). However, in the end it was tasty. I never realized steaming apples was all you had to do to make applesauce.
• sweet potato corn pudding-I liked this a lot. The first bite tasted like regular mashed potatoes actually. Later when I tried it cold, it was not as exhilarating, so I would recommend having this one warm.
• carrot parnip puree-My least favorite so far. I don't think this is the fault of the recipe though. I often have a problem with carrots that taste like dirt. I will try scrubbing carrots better next time around before I peel them. I really liked to smoothe consistency of this one and the pretty color. Again, this one is better served warm.
• blueberry smoothie-This recipe is from the bootcamp book. I enjoyed this a lot too.

The thing that strikes me most about these recipes is how just 2 ingredients can come together to be so tasty. I am used to natural foods, but still heavy and processed rather than fresh and homemade. One trick I did in order to make the most of my cooking time was I steamed the sweet potato and apples at the same time. Simultaneously, I had the carrots and parsnips boiling in the water below the steaming produce. Kind of clever if you ask me ;) Looking forward to trying more recipes. Stay tuned.

Also did an hour of cardio today in order to help make up for cardio's that I've missed during Meta. I want to make sure I get my extra cardio's in to make up for the one's I've missed before I go onto Continuity 1 on January 1st 2012.

You know, I've never been able to stick to a diet. I'm not someone who's lost all the weight and gained it all back again. So, I'm not sure how I'll be able to stick to this one. I'm really not. I want to try, but it's very hard to imagine going from eating one way to a whole other way over night. I transitioned into eating vegan, cutting out one animal at a time, and dairy later on. We'll see what happens. At the very least, I know I will stick with the exercise. Diet seems a lot more complicated though...

Day 76: Still Moving Forward

Today's Workout:

• 30 minutes Meta Cardio (mostly jumping, some step-touching)
• Level 8 Day 6 Muscular Structure
• Level 1 Arms and Abs Segment

Today's Thoughts:

Switched up the order of my workout today doing cardio before toning. Everybody (including myself) wonders at some point which to do first. There is a video on youtube where she answers that question and since I'm not too blogger savvy, I'm not sure how to link that for you. But, my personal experience has shown me that the more important thing is to make sure I do both. The way I do that is by seeing what my body and mind are in the mood for. In the beginning, that tended to be cardio first. By disc two, I liked doing toning first. Today, I really liked doing cardio first and I might try sticking with that for a while.

At one point today, I had a burst on anger where I thought to myself, "I hate you Tracy Anderson" because I was really feeling the burn. Then I came to my senses and thought whoa...where did that come from? I don't normally have anger directed at Tracy. I don't think I've thought I hated her a single time in the last 75 days, so I'm not sure what happened today. I figured maybe it was an emotional cleansing of some sort. We'll see if it happens again.

Today's workout really wore me out. I was yawning on the mat, and it was the afternoon. I think once I begin doing the diet, it will really give me better energy to do these workouts. So looking forward to it! I'm glad I'm delaying it until January because I feel like I'm building up more and more positive energy in anticipation of it and I feel like when the time comes that postive energy reserve will come in handy.

A gal named Shannon on the TAM forum posted a great short anecdote today about her balanced approach to eating that I really wanted to share. It is exactly what Tracy wants us to do. Eating mostly healthy, yet enjoying guilt-free pleasurable foods as well, especially when it comes to sharing meals with others. It is a great story of a balanced approach to eating in a real-life scenario:

"I’m on day 15 of the 30 day method. Went out to dinner with friends and basically ate a glorious meal — but it definitely wasn’t on the diet. Gained a pound. I was trying to reconcile in my head gaining a pound and how much I enjoyed the meal… and realizing this isn’t really any kind of defeat at all. It’s fine. I’ll work out today and keep going. After all, life will be about having a varied diet."

I just feel like I breathe a sigh of relief when I read that story. I hope it resonates with you too. Happy TAM-ing everyone :)

Diet Dress Rehearsal

So I've started noting my weight in the "labels" section at the bottom of each post because I got a scale. Anyway, I wake up this morning and suddently I've lost 1.2 pounds since yesterday. Don't know where that came from. I didn't do any extra cardio yesterday, or eat particularly less. Yesterday it seemed like my weight was creeping back up. Oh well, just goes to show our weight exists in a range it seems rather than a fixed number.

So, today was a rest day for me, but I went to the grocery store and got a few items to practice some of Tracy's recipes in preparation for the diet starting January 1st. I bought a parsnip for the first time in my life. I didn't even know which vegetable was a parsnip and had to look up at the sign to figure it out. Also bought some coconut (dairy-free) kefir, olive oil spray, sprouted tofu (never tried the sprouted kind but it's supposedly more digestible), frozen organic corn, sweet potato, blueberries, kale, and apples. Lots of fresh foods! It was nice. I tend to eat all natural foods but yet very little fresh and unprocessed foods. I'm looking forward to my tastebuds reprogramming to enjoy more simple flavors. I'm looking forward to cooking for myself (rather than getting take-aways) and generally just feeling healthier with these clean foods.

I'll let you know how the recipes turn out.

Day 75: Where "We Should Be" vs. Where "We Are"

This program is teaching me that we can absolutely use our brains to our own detriment, standing in our own way OR to empower and change our lives. I often find myself falling victim to the voices in my head, voices that didn't start in my head but that I picked by my environment. The tricky part is that these voices have come to sound like my own, and I've come to believe these voices as truth. The good news is, I believe we can slowly break free of these voices and patterns by creating new patterns that are actually based in OUR OWN truth, and can actually help us rather than hurt us.

I first began to experience this somewhere around disc two. In disc one, it was about actually learning for the first time how to break through barriers like I'd never done before. Disc one was not only about learning the Method. It was about learning what to tell myself when I didn't want to exercise. It was about learning how to establish a consistent habit. It was about learning how to think long term rather than short term. In disc one my brain was learning how to process information differently. Instead of "I don't want to workout because I'm depressed" and the outcome being that I didnt' work out and instead went and sat on the couch binging and watching TV, I learned to tell myself and really believe that exercise would help with depression whereas sitting on the couch would not. Faced with such a powerful truth, I would exercise.

By disc two, My brain was learning how to call on my new habits. I no longer had to figure out what to say to myself or how to rationalize with a powerful truth. I was now learning to let my new truth guide me with greater strength than my old habit (binging on the couch). The part that amazed me was that I didn't have to think about it as much. My new healthier thought patterns started to take on a life of their own. They developed strength because I knew they was true, and I encouraged them and reiterated them.

I'm now on disc three. As I'm exactly half way through disc three, I can't yet put into words what its big lesson has been. But today, I faced something interesting. Since I have found level 8 to be quite challenging, I wanted to give myself a morale boost by playing around in level 1 so I could see how far I've come. But then I did half of level 1 and to my dismay still found it to be a challenge! (It's important for me to note though that my cardio has increased tremendously). This sent my mind into a spiral and I started to question everything. I seriously considered being done with the method.

However, I came to realize that my disappointment came from me battling between the reality of what is (level 1 being a challenge), and the fantasy of how I thought things should be (I should be able to do level 1 without breaking a sweat). And the thing is, we reside in reality. When I made peace with where I was in the current moment, I felt completely better. I realized that I still had my whole future ahead of me, and while my present moment cannot affect my past, my present moment can affect my future. I had my power back. And the most important thing about that for me was that instead of being stuck in a past-oriented fantasy which would hold me in the past, prevent me from moving forward because I was ready to give up on the method...instead I was free to move forward. Instead of choosing to cage myself in the past, I freed myself so that my future would bring better things. And it will! I guarantee you, even if this process has been slower than I anticipated, it is still going to happen by being consistent. Mark my words, that day will come :)

I really feel like with every workout I check off my calendar, I have accomplished something. And every level I complete, I feel like I've CONQUERED it. It helps me feel like I'm constantly growing and moving forward. The simple act of doing the workouts builds my self-confidence. I see that I'm stronger than I thought simply because I completed something I couldn't see myself being able to do. After so many years of making broken promises to myself, and then punishing myself by caging myself in the past...this method has provided me with a way to learn to trust my word again. And that happens every single level, every single disc, and every single day.

Because it is so important for me to keep feeling like I'm moving forward to help undo years of going back on my word, I shall go ahead and moving right into Continuity (with Meta Dynamic Eating Plan) come January 1st, 2012! Cheers to freeing ourselves!

Day 74: Turned My Frown Upside Down

:( <-- That's how my face looks right now. I AM NOT A FAN OF PLANKS.

Was feeling period pains this morning so I thought I'd wait a little for the pain to subside rather than working out first thing in the morning. That was actually a good idea. I was amazed that once the pain went away I felt compelled to exercise like, "okay it's go time and I don't want to miss out"...then I did the workout, and now I'm cranky. I don't like planks. I would like planks if I were strong enough to do them. When I have some muscle, I like challenging myself. But on moves like that side leg lift in level one that just felt impossible, or pretty much any plank move, it feels like it's above my abilities and I don't like doing it. Most days it doesn't bother me, and I'm proud for just doing my personal best. I actually haven't felt cranky in regards to the mat work in quite a long while, but today's plank moves just made me mad. It was one of those days where I thought I should have taken more time with the lower levels to really prepare me. The truth is, I do fine on all the others moves, it's just the planks that feel ridiculously hard. I still have at least 40 pounds to lose, and I have a DDD chest...so I guess it's understandable that planks are so difficult....you know when I wrote that just now, I felt a lot better. My face now looks like this :)

It really is understandable that planks are so tough when you're carrying around (non-implant) DDD's. I changed my mind. I'm not cranky any more. I'm really proud of myself for trying. I realized it's just a matter of time before things get easier, and it's understandable that planks are so challenging. I can almost guarantee that once I'm not so heavy planks will be a heck of a lot easier. Imagine holding your body up if you had 40 less pounds on you??? Heck yeah that's more doable.

Alright...another day under my belt. Another day closer to the level 9 grand finale.

Really looking forward to starting the diet in January! I read a post on the forum today that two different people mentioned they had great success with Tracy's diet (both tried the Paleo diet and found Tracy's more effective). I'm probably going practice some recipes this month in preparation for January. I am fortunate to have all the tools I need already, juicer, mini-prep food proccessor, good knife, cutting board. So excited!

Day 73: Bought a Scale

My computer shut down and I lost my day 73 post, so...take 2!

Did my toning today and sooooo didn't want to do it all on the left side. Did it anyway :) It is after all only ten minutes to do the left leg which is challenging, but doable. Also, these last couple days I've done my cardio as freestyling on the trampoline combined with parts of Tracy's rebounder workout on youtube.

Also, I purchased a cute bamboo scale that cost less that $20 bucks. At this time, my mind is in a healthy place where my self-worth is not tied to the number on the scale. Additionally, regardless of what the number says it won't deter me from my exercise. I got the scale more than anything to document my progress with a tangible number. I really believe that once I begin combining Tracy's Bootcamp Diet and Dynamic Eating Plan w/the exercise (starting January 1)the weight will really shift and I want to be able measure the progress.

I will list my daily weight (no clothes on, first thing in the morning, after using the restroom) in the "label" section at the end of each post.

Day 72: Soreness & Fullness

Apparently level 8 really kicks your booty into shape because I haven't been sore like this since level 1! I think it was the first time I've had soreness in my inner thighs. My behind, my hips, my abs, my back all sore. Makes me happy :)The workout felt so much more natural than yesterday too. I think I like it. I also did abs again twice just for good measure. It's only 5 extra minutes and I figured if I'm in the mood to do that, I'll take advantage of that feeling while it lasts.

Last night, I was eating dinner and found I wanted to go back for seconds. I waited for a little while, and the feeling persisted so I went back for a second serving. Amazingly, about 3-4 bites into my second serving I realized I was full!! It wasn't that feeling I have where I realize I'm full and I'm disapointd my tasty meal is ending. It wasn't that feeling of knowing I'm full but since the last few bites are there I might as well eat them. It felt like, wow I'm full and I really don't want to have any more food. Ah! It was the type of natural fullness that comes to you when you're a child before you are socialized by external cues that for whatever reason distract you from your body's natural cues that let you know you've had enough and you're satisfied. There was no internal struggle to stop eating. No feelings of disappointment or deprivation. It was simple and balanced and wonderful. I hope that feeling become more and more frequent.