Day 30: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead (Level 3 that is)

WooooooooooHooooooooo!!!! Level 3 is over and done with my friends, and I hope she never rears her ugly head again. ahhhhh.....ahhhh.....deep breaths of relief!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so I seem to push myself just a weee bit too far on the last day of a level because just like at the end of level 2 I tweaked my back a little. But no worries, I have a day and three quarters to recover. I will say that I did indeed seem to be able to do more reps than I did say ealier this week. But it feels like this level started off strong at point A, got harder then these last couple days I got it back up to point A again. I wouldn't say I did better on my last day than my first, but the most important thing is I got through it!! What an accomplishment. Not only that, I am all finished with disc one (which contains leve 1-3). As much as I'm tired and in pain, I feel an internal sense of contentment with what I've accomplished so far. Not pounds or inches wise, because I know that has been ablsolutly minimal (though I'm at least headed in the right direction), but my greatest sense of accomplishment comes from following through, breaking barriers, moving forward, getting unstuck from the past. It takes time to get there. For me, this has been an intense 6 week process. But the truth is, whether I exercise or not, those 6 weeks are still gonna pass by. No matter how hard it is to imagine when I was used to not exercising 5 hours a week, it now feels fairly normal to exercise 5 days a week. It would feel very odd to not be exercising.

This has not been a perfect hunky dorey process mind you. I continue to vascillate between frustration and anger at both the muscle exhaustion as well as the joint pain. My abilities in cardio peaked on fabulous day 19, and since then seem to have diminished. The knee pain continues, but now there is shin pain as well. So, I've had to do more step-touching than I would like. However, I have to remind myself that were my pain not there, I would be able to push myself beyond what I'm doing. The important thing is that I maintain a habit of cardio, that I continue moving whatever amount I'm able to do during that half hour. I am thankful to have a trampoline, but 30 minutes gets booooring, even with music. Although, I think if I would download new music that would help. If I think about it logically though it makes sense that at some point I will have a breakthrough. At some point, my knees will get used to this movement. At some point, I will gain more muscle, and at the same time be carrying around less weight which means inevitably, my joint pain should subside. Until then, I have step-touching and rebouding at my disposal.

So as I said, I'm am going to give 6 days a week a go and see if I'm okay doing that. I want to give myself the best chance at success I can get after all. Level 4, here I come!

Day 29: Sick of Level 3

I am so glaaaaaad these levels change every 10 days, because seriously I am SICK of level 3. I feel like I was able to do more reps on day one of this level than I did today on day nine. The abs and arms are fine and fun. But I dread dread dread the legs work! It just exhausts me and the angles are so awkward on some of the moves that I feel like I can barely move. My legs feel so heavy when I'm doing the movements. Also, I noticed this level keeps your non-moving leg in the same position through all 6 or 7 leg exercises, and I think that must be part of why it is so exhausting. This level just feels too advanced for me. My body feels heavy and immobile, and unflexible. Blah!

I measured my waist at its heaviest during the day (after I've over eaten) and it actually has not grown, so at least I have some assurance in that regard that my eating is not overshadowing all the hard work I'm putting into my workouts. But man oh man, this level is relentless. I only have one more day left of it, and honestly I never want to see it again! I do not think I will be repeating levels as I had previously thought. I have faith that in time my abilities will increase and the dvd's will feel like they are at a more appropriate level for me. Sheeesh! I really don't like complaining so much, but I miss the good feelings of accomplishment i had in getting through the lower levels. Granted those levels were very challenging too, but they felt more doable.

It's rough because I feel like instead of getting stronger I'm getting worn out and therefore weaker.

I did step touching for my dance cardio today. I know that is what is best to give my knees and shins a break.

I'm thinking once level four starts, I'm gonna give it a go for 6 days a week. I'm just gonna try it and see how it goes. I think it'll help the 10 workout cycles go that much faster and plus I just want to make sure I'm doing enough with my workouts to make a difference.

I'm still moving on, still plugging away. I feel like I really need to make a difference in my eating. I felt sooo pudgy today and yesterday, all in my belly. And my skin! Ahhhhh! My skin is just so affected by my eating. It's amazing how many areas of my life and aspects of my body food affects. But yet, dealing with food issues also is so multi-faceted that it is just a huge undertaking. That is why it was important for me to split up food and exercise goals. I keep re-reading that line in my head that I wrote yesterday about how making massive overhauls in my eating DOES NOT WORK! It's a good thing it's in all caps so I can remember that. It reallllly does not work for me. I can tell you I made so many adjustments mentally in order to make exercising work for me for the first time in my life...I'm thinking that I need to apply that same mentality to adjusting my eating. I've got to make different decisions. I've got to approach it differently. Definitely with patience and kindness.

I did try two flavors of those kale chips btw, the ranch and the nacho. I would describle them as not bad in flavor. They were on sale so that was really exciting. I felt very full afterward which was nice because I think that means my body was satieted by the nutrients. I want to try more flavors though. I did come up with some another idea to replace chips, which is to use a baked potato. So for example whereas before I might want nachos, instead I'll put the cheese and chili on a baked potato, and that sounds equally as delicious if not more so! That was good news. Like I say, it is important to not overhaul my diet. My brain, my body, my physiology, these all need time to adapt. It does require faith and patience in the process though! I cannot even tell you what a lesson this is in faith and patience. I'm in the middle of it, so I can't honestly say that's a lesson I've yet learned. I can't yet say I feel my efforts have paid off. I can tell you I'm proud of myself for making it 29 days (6 weeks of working out). That is truly unprecedented. I'm proud of myself for being able to keep a food journal with honestly and without judgement. I'm proud of myself for never having given up. I'm proud of myself that I'm still going. I'm thankful that the stars aligned, and my brain aligned enough to keep me on the path. I'm just gonna keep going and hope and choose to believe that a year from now, or several months from now I will be writing in this blog about how funny it is to look back and see that all this struggling was part of the process, but that I didn't need to worry. I didn't need to feel impatient. Because ultimately, things will have turned out. Yeah, I really look forward to that day.

Day 28: Shin Splints vs Getting Stronger vs Diet

Man these shin splints don't want to let up. I am going to get some leg warmers and see if that helps. I also broke my promise of doing just the trampoline every other day...I tried to do the dance cardio and just couldn't do it. Technically, shin splints are not the type of pain you are supposed to just work through. In fact, you are supposed to avoid high impact exercise to help them heal. It's so weird that my challenge in this case is actually not a mental one but instead a physical one. So, leg warmers...and alternating jumping on the trampoline. I do also think if I were doing green juices and smoothies it would help my pains in general. When I drank only green smothies for a week, all pain and stiffness in my joints were completely gone. It was crazzzy. I'd just gotten so used to feeling stiff and in discomfort I didn't realize that my body doesn't have to feel that way.

I do feel I'm doing marginally better on the mat work. I really do. I thought I would try out some of level one today just to see if I could do a full hour of toning a day. haha. well, I'm not quite ready to do an hour of toning a day, but I can tell you that I'm definitely stronger! It's particularly funny how slow and simple the movements seem compared to what I'm doing now and I'm only on week 3 (almost week 4).

I didn't feel impatient today in regards to weight loss because, well, the truth is diet has more to do with weight loss than exercise. However, I am concerned when it comes to dieting with finding a mental balance. Also, I know personally diet has a big impact on my skin, and my energy levels. One week I was eating super healthy, and my skin was glowing!! My facial structure appareared lifted and more symmetrical. I looked so healthy. Then I got off track with it. At least I know what's possible with good clean nutrition. It truly is for me about finding a balance with healthy eating habits, and healthy mentality about my eating.

Sometimes I just get these impulses where I want to jump into all raw foods, jump into super clean eating...I know this DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. I can only keep that up minimally, and my objectives are nor short term. Again, balance in key.

I would classify my current diet as anything vegan goes (including lots of processed foods). However, for the most part I do eat all natural food, I have increased my fiber, beans, veggies and whole grains. I don't eat very many sweets, and I have soda maybe twice a year. So I certainly have made some improvements over the years that have served me, and I'm happy with.

Rather than going to extremes in dieting, feeling deprived, creating guilt and binge cycles, I want to add in good stuff, and substitute the less good stuff. This is doable if done slowly and if I'm enjoying everything I'm eating. So I have a few transitionary ideas for upcoming diet improvements. Thus far I simply record what I eat every day without any judgement whatsoever. That is a good first step toward healthy eating, and healthy food mentality. I also have a healthy Vega brand protein shake (whole food health optimizer as it's called) before I work out.

My future simple steps toward balanced nutrition:

1) Swap refined grains for whole grains (easy, brown rice for white rice, kamut pasta for white, whole grain breads and tortillas instead of just multigrain)
2) Add a daily green juice (cucumber, celery, lemon, apple)
3) Add a daily green smoothie (fruit + spinach, kale)

My largest sources of unhealthy calories are chips/fries, (When I buy them I go through an entire bag in two days which is about 1000 calories of 0 nutrition). Actually, I'm going to go check and see how many bags of chips I've gone through recently...Well, in the last month I've eaten chips 19 days out of 30...wowza. I had no idea it was that much. I estimated I ate one bag every two weeks. I really don't have a sweet tooth, but I'm sure got a salty tooth...no wonder I'm not losing weight! Haha. At least I have an explanation. I'm surprised I haven't gained weight. Golly, I knew I ate chips but honestly I didn't realize it was that often. Unless I can find some oil free chips, I'd really like to experiment with taking those out of my diet almost entirely. Maybe I'll try kale chips and see if those might be a good alternative. Depending on my mood, I enjoy baby carrots dipped in hummus as much as regular chips.

Additionally, I could easily swap my white grains for whole grains. I enjoy whole grains, so it's really just about buying the whole grains rather than using the white grains my parents have in the fridge. And then it's about building the habit of buying fresh produce and making it. That is easily done with a little practice.

As I've learned from doing TAM metamorphosis, building new habits is about giving myself permission to not be perfect. Then, it's about taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, and having faith that in time a positive affect will manifest from my consistent actions. Oh yeah, let's not forget that it is about consistently climbing the wall, and remembering that the wall is always on my side if I'm willing to accept its kindness.

Day 27: A Better Day, Getting Stronger, Loving the Pegasus

So I must say that today was a better workout day overall. There were times where I was tired, so I step touched and then jumped where I was able to and I feel I did well. My new shoes really make a difference. I actually make less noise while jumping on the floor because it's like a lighter bounce. My legs feel lighter in these shoes too. I do seem to have traded knee pain for shin pain, but so far it's not unbearable by any means, and I am hopeful that the pain will eventually go away.

Today was day 7 of level 2 and I want to make a mental note that by day 7 the mat work does feel more doable! I could definitely feel I was able to push myself more through the burn which of course means better results. I also had grooveshark going during mat work, and I think that must have helped too, so gonna continue with that although I need to add more music to my list.

Golly, almost done with level 3. It is so exciting to be able to move onto a new level. Tracy was so smart to make the workouts rotate every 10 days not just to keep the muscles awake but to keep motivation going in these workouts. I wanted to reiterate too that in the middle of my workout I really wasn't feeling it, but then it got better. The quote "you never regret the workout you've done, only the ones you haven't" went through my mind, and that was a big motivator to just keep going. The wall also came to mind.

I also feel some semblance of patience returning because with a new level around the corner, I feel like I am making progress. But at some point, these results need to kick in already. I know without diet, results are slower and that is a happy trade off I have made in order to help maintain sanity around food and not worrying about feeling guilt or other negative associations with eating. But please, just make my pants not feel so tight, and that will hold me over for a while. I'm still climbing the wall, and I'm so proud of myself for holding onto it for the first time in my life. I guess that means for the first time in my life, I will actually get results :)

Day 26: New Shoes Vs. Still Hating on Level 3

So I went to get new shoes today and ended up on some really cute Nike Air Pegasus. It really made a difference! I tried on 5 different kinds of shoes and I liked these the best in both style and feel. While I still had some shin pain, I had no knee pain and over all they feel lighter yet more supportive. Very excited about those.

However, for the life of me, I just don't feel like I'm getting stronger on this level and my cardio capacity seems to have gone down too :( I did cardio after toning today because I thought that might help me do more reps. It really didn't seem to help, but once again proved to wear me out by the time I got to cardio. I felt like I'm wasn't putting in as much effort as I could have, yet I felt really worn out by it. I make sure even if I step touch most all of the level, when it comes to jumping jack type moves, I do those because I have enough support in being able to use both legs (as opposed to the exercises that you are hopping on one foot).

So, overall I'm still going forward in spite of feeling like level three is wearing me down! It does seem to use really difference muscles than what was used in level one and two (way more butt work and lower back stuff), so that could be why I feel so weak. But I want to feel like I'm getting stronger not weaker :( I will say though, I only have four more days on this level and then I never have to do it again. And logically, once more and more weight does start to come off, I know cardio will be easier. Ahhh.....patience dear one, patience.

I will say that I have kept going! That is incredible to me. It actually reminds me of how I felt about college. In this world, a college degree goes a long way, so what other choice do I have? Same with this exercise...what's my other choice? To go back to not exercising, or to choose an exercise routine in which my body will not have the shape and tone I'm going for. No, I've come far enough to know I'm gonna finish this thing. I'm just surprised that level 3 has made me so irritated by the method. I don't get it. No worries, four more days and we're moving on. In fact I think I'll go ahead and preview level 4 to get me motivated.

Day 25: Yay We Did It vs Still Aggravated

So, I had rearranged my schedule and postponed my Monday workout to do yesterday (Saturday). Then my friend asked me to watch her dog and I was asked to pick up a shift Saturday. Golly, while I was happy to do both of those things, it put a wrench in my Saturday workout schedule. Yet...when i got home with no intention of working out before I showered for work...lo and behold I worked out! I thought well, I'll just do the toning since I did extra cardio all week anyway. Then after I did my mat work, I ended up going my cardio too! I stuck to my promise and only did a trampoline workout (still many benefits to jumping on a trampoline btw it's just I want to stick to the method as much as possible). Then I hopped in the shower and was on time to work. I guess this means enough time has passed that I've developed a good habit?!?!?! Golly, the last good habit I developed was a while ago and it was when I learned how to be on time to work (and most everywhere else). Prior to that I was a chronically late person.

I really was so impressed that I was able to work around two obstacles that normally would have thrown me off. I had even brought the ms workout to my friend's house to try to do it there, but I couldnt' get her dvd player to work and I had accidentally brought the cardio workout! I didn't want to do cardio at her house because she lives on an upper floor. Anywho, before I did my workout, I had decided I would do an extra workout the following week so I would stay on track of my 10 workout schedule, and even that was a good sign. But the fact that in the one extra hour I had between taking care of the dog and needing to shower I opted to workout, made me feel really good. I don't know how many days they say it takes to develop a good habit but apparently it's worked! And I can tell mentally that it would feel so unnatural to not workout 5 days a week. My rest days feel natural as well, so I haven't taken it to an extreme where I feel like I need to workout 5 hours a day 7 days a week. But, 1 hour a day 5 days a week feels really good and I wouldn't even want to go back to not working out! I like being a person that has a regular exercise routine, and now that I think about it, I enjoy my workouts!

I will say though, that I am tired of the workouts being so hard! I could see if I had more muscle developed that the workouts would be "challenging" rather than "hard" and challenging is enjoyable. Plus I'm tired of worrying about knee pain and now shin pain. Like I mentioned though, I am going to alternate trampoline workouts with floor workouts, and I believe in time (and with healthier eating) my body will be able to do the dance cardio without pain. But until then, it's all about that patience thing that this last week has really been testing me on.

I will soon start over with disc one after this week (level three) is over. It's somewhat disheartening because I feel like I'm moving backwards, but at the same time here I am complaining about how hard the levels are. I truly believe me re-doing these levels, jumping back one disc at a time will make these levels more doable, and actually I think in the long run they will help me get the most out of each level. The first time around will be more "hard" but they will help me develop my muslces so that the second time around it is a "challenge".

So glad another week is done! With my 3 day hiatus earlier this week it felt like it took forever! But it once again feels like I'm moving forward. I'm excited to see changes, but would they hurry up already?? :/ I know...to get over the wall, each step is just as important regardless of whether or not I see changes. Each day this week, and this past week as a whole has been a milestone in and of itself :) (love the wall)

Day 24: Another Barrier Broken vs Major Back Cramps

Whew! We did it! Today I complete day 24 which means I officially broke my previous record of working out for 23 consisten workouts, woo hoo! It wasn't easy though! It's like I trade off between knee pain and shin pain which really hinders my workouts. Sometimes I work through the pain, and sometimes I step touch. However, I don't think there should be any pain at all except a good muscle burn. So I must promise myself that every other day I will exclusively jump on the rebounder. I love doing the dance cardio, I really am at the point where for the most part I enjoy. But this is not the type of pain that's meant to be worked through. It's the type of pain where my body is saying, hey you've got to modify this. So...promise to myself...I will rebound every other day exclusively :( I really wanted to stick to the program. At least the good thing is that mentally I am not copping out. I have to remind myself of that. I've even tried ignoring it, so I know my problem isn't mental. It is purely physical and is something that I believe will work itself out in time. Imagine jumping around when I'm carrying 50 less pounds, and on the flip of that I actually have extra muscles to help lift myself. Yes...I am making the right decision :)

I must say too that rebounding is a mood lifter! I combine it with music that my body naturally moves to and makes me happy and voila, I suddenly feel better and have energy.

I started my workout today with ten minutes of Tracy's beginning cardio. The thing I like about it, is that it's choreographed moves so I feel like a dancer. But the lame part is you have to skip around a lot to find the actual segments on the DVD so there is stop and go rather than continuous flow (which Tracy herself has said it's important to not do stop and go). I continue to be confused by how smart she is at her method, yet how un-thorough she is at editing her products. Oh well, for what Tracy can deliver I'm willing to take the bad with the good. But anyway, the reason I only did ten minutes was that I suddenly a sever lower back cramp that encapsulated my entire lower back. I've gotten these maybe once a year since jr high. They used to no be as severe and they used to be unprovoked. However, this is the second time I've gotten it while doing her method in recent times and if I recall correctly I was going the same cardio video the last time too! I've figured out that I have to hop in a warm shower, and stretch and stretch my back until the pain goes away. It prolly took 15 minutes or so, but it is certainly among the most painful things I have personally experienced. Thankfully, it passed and in spite of being all wet from the shower, I persevered. I took a little break and then started on my L3 mat work followed by the dance cardio dvd. I was only gonna do 20 minutes since I had already done ten earlier, but I kept going (I think due to mostly using the rebounder and listening to fun music...it's powerful stuff I tell ya). Then I was enjoying my music and rebounding so much I did an additional 15 minutes on the rebounder. Woo Hoo! Hope the rebounder delivers on its promises like improving skin tone and firmness and helping aid in detoxification of the body.

So you know how I decided to postpone my Monday workout to Saturday? Well...I wish I hadn't. weekends are just more busy and my parents are home so I don't feel like I can have as much of a peaceful workout space as on weekdays. Anywho, I really did want to spend time with my bf on Monday since it was his day off, but now that it's the end of the week...well all I can say is next time I will remember that it is not worth it to have 3 days off in a row, and it is worth it to be done with working out by Friday. I don't know if I will ever get used to working out 6 days a week. I know that right now my body really needs the extra break that comes from having two days off in a row.

In the middle of my leg work today, I was getting really irritated because with certain moves (ones that are designed to make the butt burn) I just can't tell if the angle on my leg is right. It's frustrating. I feel the burn for sure though, and for now that's all that matters. I can definitely tell you these butt moves have an anti-gravtiy effect because when I saw my butt this morning it was definitely lifted, so at the end of the day at least I know that whatever I'm doing is having an effect and that's a good thing :)

I must admit, I would say I've been obsessed with all things TAM these last couple weeks. With my bf working full time now, I've had a lot more time to myself. So I spend a ton of time online reading other people's blogs, going on the various TAM forums, adding my two cents, reading what other people have to say, watching youtube videos, watching her on QVC and the infomercial. It's at least a healthy obsession. It's a lot better than just eating all day which is a coping mechanism I have. But at the same time, it's like I can only physically workout for a certain amount of time each day before it is too much for my body and mind to handle. So while I'm exerting all this extra energy into TAM time (non-workout activities) it doesn't actually produce extra results. Which would be fine except that I can tell I'm getting impatient for results to come. I'm tired of being in pain both in my knees and now my shins. And I'm even tired of feeling the burn while working out. I'm tired of being out of breath and I'm tired of rolling the rug out of the way and assembling my trampoline every day.

I don't want to take a break though, so that's good. I can tell that I would feel guilty if I deliberately got off my TAM schedule. Not like I'm a bad person, but just that I know my desire is to keep doing it, and my being doesn't want to quit, not in the least. I just don't want to be in pain. More than anything, I'm tired of my pants digging into my waist. Other than yoga pants, I have one pair of work pants and one pair of jeans. Both those pants seem to have shrunk over time (haha, the truth is my stomach widened). And it just feels like enough already. Right now I'm not asking to go down a size even. I just want all this hard work to result in my pants not being uncomfortably tight on me. Maybe I should just buy new pants :( I know I'm having a tantrum moment, but I don't want to! I want to feel like all my hard work has amounted into just this small little favor that my pants don't dig into my tummy. I did decide I would stop washing and drying my pants though(unless they really need it) cuz when they come out of the dryer that's the worst!

Sigh...maybe in another month, my pants will actually fit me. Grrr...I'm mad cuz I'm really proud of myself for working out and I don't want not fitting into my pants to bum me out. Boo :(

It's okay, I'm on the right path...patience is not some metaphorical concept, it is real. And patience will amount to something. Just give it some time. You know when you're climbing up the wall, sometimes it may not feel like you're getting anywhere. The wall looks the same from top to bottom. You look up it an down it, and while at some point you can tell you've made progress many days feel the same as the day before. The wall does have milestones along the way. But there are some stretches of the wall that look exactly the same. However, the truth is as long as I'm moving foward, I will keep moving up the wall. I will, it's true! I'll reach my mini-milestones (inches & pounds lost, straighter posture, more energy) along the way. In spite of my brain having anxiety moments, I can tell you the wall is on my side. The wall continues to extend a hand and cheer me on even though I cannot yet see a difference, a difference exists. While each day doesn't result in a tangible milestone, each day absolutely builds upon the next. There will be no drop in pant size on day "X" if days "A"-"W" don't take place. You don't leap over the wall. In order to get over it, you just do one step at a time. I suppose each day really is a milestone afterall :)

Repeating Omni Levels

While reading through the TAM facebook page, someone mentioned that they repeated meta (even though Tracy says to go onto continuity) in order to save money. She said she could only do some of the moves the first time around anyways. I think this is a great idea to save money. However, rather than doing the whole 9 levels and then repeating, I'm going to do disc 1 and then repeat, disc 2 and repeat and disc 3 and repeat. That way, I'm somewhat stronger, but it's not like i'm jumping with the strength I'm sure I'll gain by the time level 9 comes around and risk losing some results. I bet by the time I get to continuity, I will be well prepared for it. Woo Hoo! I'm excited to be able to revisit my levels and see how much I've improved in them. Also excited to save mula!

Day 23: Milestone :) vs Low Energy :(

So the furthest I've ever gotten with exercising with the Tracy Anderson Method (not meta but her boot camp) was 23 days, and so today I have met that quota and tomorrow I shall exceed it! It is also worth mentioning that the previous time I was building up my fitness so I wasn't even doing an hour per day like I'm doing now so I humbly give myself a standing ovation :)

It was however a low energy day. I did a lot of step touching and my shins were starting to hurt! This is something I am very much hoping will pass in time once I get stronger and my body continues to adapt to this method. Shin pain hasn't really been a problem this time around so I was kinda bummed about that. Day 19 when it was a high energy day was so great because I didn't have my usual knee pain and it really enabled me to perform the moves freely. Gotta just keep on moving forward and have faith that I'll figure it out.

Also, went to two different places at the mall to buy a sports bra. Now I remember why I was wearing regular bras instead of sports bras to begin with...They fit so poorly and offer no bounce support! Very difficult for my DDD needs :/ I've broken two bras in the last month but they were older bras. So since I bought two non-sports bras I'm gonna try those again and see how long they'll last me because they actually offer really good support while jumping. Then I'm gonna use my sports bras that I did buy for everyday wear. Hope they last a while.

I want to make note that I didn't exercise until 2:30 today which may have contributed to the lower energy and also I didn't do my protein shake before hand. I went to visit my BF before he went to work today and so I had a sandwich for breakfast (no idea how he does it but he makes the yummiest sandwiches). I did have a protein shake after my workout though.

It really was a struggle working out today. I felt depressed so I had these negative thoughts about the awful state of the world rummaging around in my head, which depletes my energy for sure. But in addition to that, I was thinking about just being sick of exercising. (Prepare for run-on sentence) Sick of struggling with joint issues, sick of waking up early to exercise, sick of being patient for results to come, sick of pulling out my mat and trampoline and popping in videos, sick of worrying about disturbing people in the house with my music because they sleep past 8:00 am, sick of worrying about my perceptions of my family's judgements (she's failed so many times before, she's wasting her time when she should be doing more productive things), sick of not being able to do the moves, sick of lifting my heavy body to do the movements...but then I remembered I'm also sick of being overweight, sick of not having energy, sick of breaking promises to myself, sick of not fitting into clothes, sick of being embarassed about being overweight. It didn't make me feel 100% better...but it made me want to keep moving forward. Today was the first day since I've started this journey that I thought maybe I would give up on it. Maybe it wasn't gonna work after all (as if I could lose 50 pounds in 23 days).

It will work, I know it will, I really know it will. I'm just having a hard time being patient in the process. But that is something I've always had difficulty dealing with. It was hard to be patient in getting through college and so it took me 8 years instead of 4. Basically, because of my impatiece, I would give up a lot which means I'm going in the opposite direction (getting off that darn wall again). I just got a great visual of the wall calling to me to stay on, extending a hand to help me hold just long enough to regain my own strength and keep moving up it. Apparently the wall is on my side. Maybe I need to be on my side as well.

Day 22: Still Going Strong

It was another good day. Did the cardio, added Shakira's "Waka Waka" to my playlist. Also had extra energy from the new music so I did 15 minutes of rebounding. I'm so excited for Tracy's new cardio to come out (everyone's crossing their fingers that it's a rebounding workout). She says it's unlike any cardio she's released before so what could it be?

You know, I've been reading a lot of what people have been saying online both the good and the bad about this workout. The good reviews motivate me. The bad reviews just make me sad that people are missing out, and honestly they make me sad that I might have missed out because I initally agreed with those negative reviews. The workout is confusing initially, and her lack of cueing is so different from pretty much every single other workout video out there that gives much more detailed instructions. It is also really challenging and really new initially. But once I was able to just keep going a little, I really did get used to it. It feels very natural to me, and I cannot imagine working out with anything else other than this method. That's what so amazing to me, is how perspective on the exact same situation can become so radically different with a different understanding.

I do hope in the future she increases her cueing, and even makes her stuff at a more beginner's level so that people have the opportunity to see how great her program rather than getting turned off before they give it a chance. The reason I gave it another chance was that I read about others who acknowledged the shortcoming of the program, but also explained that these things could be overcome in time. Also, one of the things I was struggling with initially was how challenging the program was. But when Tracy said on QVC that it was okay to modify it to fit your abilities (to do less reps in my case), it enabled me to get over the hump, and I couldn't be more thrilled with my progress and improvements, and with what incredible results the program will ultimately deliver. This program is THE ANSWER for me when it comes to wanting a body that is fit, and toned and looks good in clothing, and prevents me from being overweight.

It took a long time to find, after all Tracy didn't even have DVD's out when I was initially overweight. In fact, as a child I remember thinking that I was worried that when I got older I was gonna have to deal with big thighs, and I had to do squats or figure out some other way to keep them under controlled. I'm guessing I got that idea off TV or something (thin thighs were the fitness trend at that time if I recall; thighmaster e.g.). It's sad that these are the messages being passed onto young girls and carried over into womanhood. A little girl shouldn't have to worry that she'll have big thighs. Even if she does end up that way, I wish the world wasn't a world of judgement because the truth is big thighs or not doesn't determine a person's value, not one bit! But yet, at this time that is the world we live in.

I am thankful to have a solution that if my desire is to be fit and toned, I have a healthy, doable, and fun way of achieving that. Thank you Tracy!

Day 21- New Level (3)

Well, I ended up skipping, no postponing my workout yesterday. Instead of working out on Monday, I will work out on Saturday so there are no worries as I will still get all my workouts in this week. That's another nice thing about 5 workouts a week instead of 6, it allows for greater flexibility. Once again, I am so glad to be learning how to find balance for my personal needs and of having an opporunity to practice it. I ended up not buying new shoes or a sports bra. Yesterday really was a wrench in that my schedule was different than usual, having work in the morning when I usually do my workouts. Plus, it was the most time I'll have with my BF this week because our work schedules are opposite this week and so I really wanted to spend that time with him.
Ultimately I feel I handled things well in deciding to rearrange my schedule this week to fit my needs.

Level 3 was interesting! I could definitely tell how the other two levels were setting a foundation for this level. I felt my body more connected while I was doing the moves. In other words, I could feel my abs transition into my legs, transition into my back...all the muscles from different body parts were working together to perform these moves which is a very new experience and part of the reason I think my posture has improved to. My body is relearning how its different parts are connected and they are working together. It's a really cool feeling. While this level was challengeing, it didn't have the wtf effect that level two had. It didn't have any planks, and I was able to do almost all the reps for all the exercises. I could tell that this level will make for some major pulling in of the muscles over the next ten days like in an inches kind of way more so than pounds, and I will take inches over pounds any day :)

I did do my mat work before cardio today because I was so excited for the new moves. I once again found how much I really prefer doing cardio before mat. I was somewhat worn out by the time cardio came around and particularly my legs felt shakey. So I prolly step touched half and jumped half, plus did an extra 7 minutes on the rebounder. Really lovin grooveshark. I added songs like "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira, and "Take a Chance on Me" by A*Teens. Making my own playlists has been absolutely invaluable to my success this time around. Even from one song to another I get bursts of energy which is quite awesome.

It amazes me how many new moves Tracy comes up with, and how I feel new parts of my body working all the time. I'm so thankful that she not only came up with her method but that she has shared it at such a doable price and in a fun and accessible way. Thank you Tracy!

Weighing In After Thoughts

So, I must say I was very excited to have lost 6 pounds in one month through exercise alone. I have only weighed myself twice this last month (except when I went to the store to pick out a scale and weighed myself on every scale they had only to discover I could weigh anywhere between 167-172 depending on which scale I was standing on). Anyway, I started to get excited and calculate if I continue to lose 6 pounds per month I'll lose all fifty extra pounds in about 8 months which felt good. But then I thought about how in two months I would only lose 12 pounds, and that doesn't even equate to a loss of one pant size for me. That got me feeling a little bummed out. And I fell back into my old tape in my head that I will always be overweight.

This is all I've ever known. My brain just can't wrap itself around a concept as foreign as not being overweight. I felt myself getting distracted from the actual goal I set out for myself which is to do the program in its entirety. whew...it feels overwhelming being so attached to an outcome. It's a very different feeling from just wanting to commit to the program and having faith that it will work out. Today, I feel a little lost and without an answer. I don't like obsessing about weight. I think there is a blurry line between all the complex issues surrounding eating, tying that to the difficulties of deveoping a new healthy habit in exercise-making it a part of my lifestyle, coupled with how I feel about myself in relation to my weight. Too many different issues muttled together.

I'm a little stressed because I wasn't using a sports bra and so I've broken my only two bras. I went out and bought two more, but come my workout on Monday, I will need to buy a new sportsbra so I feel unprepared and out of the rhythm I'd developed in doing my workouts first thing in the morning. Also, Monday is the first time I will have work in the morning (instead of evening or afternoon) since I started this program a month ago, so I am again being thrown out of my routine.

Finally, I want to try and get a new pair of shoes that will provide extra support for my knees. I currently have a pair of Nike Shox which are better than any regular sneakers I've had in the past but I feel there are shoes out there that will make my workouts that much more fluid. So...my routine for Monday feels compromised and the truth is I don't adjust well to change. I don't like being bored with repetitiveness (so glad the workouts change every ten days) but at the same time there is security in predictability. I would describe it as variation within the same routine. Well, my routine is being compromised and I'm not entirely worried that I'll get off track, I'm just stressed because anything beyond level one, and now level two is completely uncharted territory for me. I don't want to fall back into old habits.

It's crazy how shifting my focus from workouts to my weight has added confusion into the mix too. I feel like I just need to take a deep breath, and do one step at time...go to the mall after work, buy new shoes, buy a sports bra, setup my workout space, do one workout at a time, one step at a time...sigh...I'm also really drained of energy right now...when I'm drained of energy I get really anxious and fear of failure kicks in big time. I don't like focusing on the weight. I like focusing on the work. The work feels doable and in my control. The weight is not as much in my control. It's up to my body how much it loses. It's up to me whether I choose to exercise or not.

First Official Weigh In

So while I don't give more credit to the scale than it deserves, I think weighing myself on occasion will provide an additional tool to see my progress continue when I haven't quite dropped a size yet or my clothes aren't looser. So...in the last month of doing Meta 5 days a week, I've officially lost....6 pounds! That is amazing to me particularly because I did that with absolutely 0 changes to my diet! That equates to 1.5 pounds per week which is perfect and exactly the rate I would want to lose at. Actually, I thought since I wasn't dieting that a half pound a week would be sufficient so this was way more than I would have asked for! It is so exciting to see my hardwork pay off in yet another tangible way (in addition to seeing muscle firmness increase, better posture, and more endurance).

My most obvious indicator to me each day is how my clothes (particularly jeans) fit. My jeans are still too tight and I unbutton them any chance I can get away with it. I used to feel like I didn't ever want to buy bigger clothes if I gained weight, that instead I would just use it as motivation to lose weight. Well I can tell you I've hovered around a size 14 since high school, so apparently that rationale doesn't work.

I think it goes back to what I've heard Geneen Roth (Women, Food, and God) say, and that is that kindness is the only way. You know, just because I have extra weight doesn't mean I don't deserve to feel comfortable in clothing. It doesn't mean that I can't still dress in lovely clothes. Maybe I won't feel as good or comfortable as when I am fit, but I deserve to be as lovely and comfortable as possible for whatever my current circumstances are. Clinton and Stacy from TLC's What Not To Wear have often told their clients that they need to dress the body they currently have. Finally, I think that message has sunk in for me.

The only thing is, I really don't have extra money to be spending on clothes right now. So...I will hold off for the most part until I am truly too small for my current clothes...what an exciting day that'll be :) But at least my feelings have changed so that I better understand that it's good to make the best of what your personal circumstances are and to treat yourself with as much kindness and understanding as you can muster up.

Day 20: TGIF

Another great workout day! I really enjoyed my new playlist which included songs like "Forget You" sung by Gwyneth Paltrow (I feel like a total TAM nerd whenever I listen to that while doing Meta cuz Gwyneth is Tracy's business partner), "Mama Mia" sung by A*Teens, and a couple Lady Gaga songs. Music really energizes me and gets me through my cardio. In fact, I was so enthusiatic with my cardio, that my legs were quite worn out when it came time to do my mat work. However, since the weekend (my rest days) are upon me, I really continued to give it my all knowing that my body would have plenty of time to recover.

A cool bonus today was that I noticed my standing posture was perfectly straight. Before when I tried to stand up straight it felt very unnatural to me, but twice today I noticed that my natural inclination is to stand up straight now! I feel like I've developed some core muslces somewhere in my back and abs that helped. My sitting posture is still slouched, but I'm sure in time that will change too.

Another exciting milestone today: I finished all ten days of level 2 which means come Monday I will be onto level 3! When I realized this I actually felt nostaligice and slightly sad to move on in addition to being excited. It is again about finding balance between being happy to move onto better things, while appreciating what I've experienced so far. But anywho, such commitment and consistency is just so unheard of for me considering my self-diagnosed ADD, and my lifelong struggle with procrastination coupled with a fear of failure.

I really have made many subtle mental changes that have contributed to different results. One that stands out in my mind is that I made my goal not to do the DVD's but to just play them every day for 90 days (a solid baby step). I told myself I could do as little or none of the exercises but I was commited to playing the full hour everyday just so that my brain could feel what it felt like to experience that. Well, apparently it really did trigger something in my brain that suddenly my brain understood what it felt like to move beyond level one (which is as far as I've gotten the past 3 times I've attempted to do this program). I think it also took the pressure off a bit because I felt fairly confident that playing the DVD's was something I could do. Mind you I still wasn't 100% confident if you can believe it. My brain went into "what if?" mode...what if there's a major natural disaster and I'm relocated from my home; what if I suddently get a job that is so beyond full time that I don't have an hour to spare; what if I get really sick; what if I move;...clearly I have a lot of cobwebs in my brain, these automatic negative thoughts that just make it feel impossible to accomplish things. It's so odd because part of my brain will understand that over the course of my whole life I've only moved maybe 5 times, and that was all before the age of 5. Other than that, none of those things have happened to me yet these thoughts feels very legitimate and scary.

My BF tells me a lot of the time when I'm struggling that I just need to think more positively and less negatively, and I don't disagree with him. But there is a difference between understanding that intellectually and actually feeling it. Plus much of the time I feel like when I'm thinking positively I'm lying to myself and when I'm being naturally negative it's because I'm telling myself the truth.

I remember the first time I attempted to do Metamorphosis (back around FEB 2011) and I wasn't able to do all the reps for the leg exercises (on level 1 she has about 6 exercises you do on each leg for 40 reps per exercise). I would look at Tracy (who weighs at least 50 lbs less than me, and who btw also invented the method,) but I was nearly in tears feeling so defeated because I couldn't do all the moves. I thought, I am too out of shape to be able to do this. Later on, I heard Tracy say on her visit to QVC that you should just do whatever reps you were able to do at whatever level your body is at. I had been suspecting this, but when I heard her give me permission to do it, it gave me the confidence that what I was thinking had been correct. So I decided I would not count reps, I would not pause to catch my breath, I would do whatever I was able to do while she worked and then I just had faith that my body would grow on its own trajectory of where I was starting from. Turns out it was a good lesson in trusting my instincts because I now feel proud and empowered when I do whatever I can, rather than defeated and exhaused.

As it turns out, my negative thinking (this is too hard) was actually the lie, and my positive thinking (my best is good enough) was actually the truth in this case. It made me realize that I need to figure out truly positive truths that are stronger than my negative "truths" in order to feel good emotionally, and not feel like I'm lying to myself about being positive. This is a tool I will try to use in the future to overcome my negative thinking. It's gotten me this far, so we'll see where else it takes me :)

Day 19: What a Difference a Day Makes!

Today was my best and favorite day I've probabaly ever worked out! It was such a contrast from yesterday where I had so little energy I had to step touch my entire cardio in fact. Today on the other hand, I was able to happily bounce my way through 30 minutes of cardio and my muscular structure work was stronger and had more reps than ever!

For my cardio, I used Tracy's grooveshark mix. I had previously had to do a lot of stop and go cardio searching for youtube videos to workout to. But, I checked out grooveshark.com after my workout today, and found it's really user friendly, and free to make your own playlists without having to stop and search every few minutes! Really excited to do more cardio now that I can have music that naturally energizes me and makes my body want to move.

I am just so thrilled that today was a breakthrough day for me because yesterday was prolly the hardest day I've had in working out so far in terms of low energy, lack of motivation, and PMS. But the important thing is I still worked out yesterday! I did step and touch, I didn't do as many reps, but I still did it, and in the end it amounted to something. That is a really important lesson for me, that just because I have one rough day doesn't mean I should throw in the towel for that day. It means, it's just one day. And that tomorrow will be a completely different day. And I'm so thankful that today was amazing, and I'm thankful that I pushed passed my fear of failure yesterday, and feeling like my best is not good enough, because today proved that my personal best is good enough for me; that it will take me forward to where I want to go.

I'd also like to note that it was a big relief to not have any pain in my knees, and so I think if I really alternate trampoline days with floor days, it'll really help until my knees and muscles become stronger.

I wasn't sure what led to this being a better workout...I ate taco bell late last night cuz I was starving after work...I had a protein shake half an hour before working out...I worked out at nine as opposed to 8:30...Well, it may be unclear, but I'm hoping that it will lead to more TAM days filled with energy, strength and empowerment and today was.

Day 18: Low Energy Day

Today was a low energy day! I decided to start with muscular structure work because I thought that would require less energy than the cardio. But then by the time I did cardio I was already exhausted! I decided I really like doing the cardio to get me warmed up and pumped up. I noticed after like 15+ minutes of cardio I must have gotten a bit of an adrenaline boost because I had more energy and enthusiam to finish off cardio. Normally it is this adrenaline rush that keeps me powering through my MS work.

I was only able to do step-touching today as well as jumping on the rebounder intermitently. I did okay though. I did not feel bad or down on myself for not being able push as hard as usual. I came to realize that when I look at my weight as an average rather than a single number, it really paints a much more accurate picture. For example, if in any given week or day, I range from 165-170, then I consider this range to by my normal weight, rather than just focusing on 165 for example and anything over that making me think I've gained weight which just isn't true.

I used to find myself so disappointed first thing in the morning when I weighed myself and thought I'd gained a pound or two or three. But on days where I thought I lost a pound, I was still disappointed because I thought it must be a fluke (maybe the scale is slightly off today). No matter what I did it was a lose-lose situation. I decided to put my scale under the sink behind a bunch of stuff to make it more inconvenient to try to reach it so I'd weight myself less often...that didn't help. Finally I decided to throw it away! While I'm still not comfortable at my weight physically, (or mentally if I'm being honest,) I do not put myself through the distress of weighing myself constantly and determining my day's emotions based on that number.

I decided to use a similar strategy when it comes to gauging how well I'm doing in my exercise. Rather that being disappointed with having less energy or being able to do less reps, I again see my ablities in a range. Some days I have more some days less, but I aspire to grow my range and grow my energy average, and then I just feel good that I did my best! Same situation, but yet I feel differently about myself when I view it differently...the brain is a tricky one isn't she?

So, I finished day 18 and aspire to do an extra day of toning this week so that my muscles are awake and firing 6 days a week. I don't have any plans to do a sixth day of cardio because I think right now that would be too much for me mentally, and I don't want to overwhelm myself. I want to keep doing well, keep being motivated, keep being proud of myself, keep growing, and keep going forward to the finish line!

Day 17: A Good Day

Just finished another workout, woo hoo! My best friend is planning her wedding for November 2012 and she and I have been working out together a few times a week. Well, I was waiting for her this morning, and it turns out she has meetings early on Tuesdays but forgot to tell me! Haha, she even told me yesterday "i'll see you tomorrow". Oh well, still got in my workout. Did twenty minutes on the trampoline, 10 minutes bootcamp cardio, and then the usual MS work.

Yesterday, I added an extra 20 minutes of her post pregnancy workout (never been pregnant, just have a pregnant belly I affectionately refer to as Barry Manilow (cuz barry sounds kind of like belly is you say with a garbled mouth). Anywho, I woke up this morning and I felt like it might have done some small something. Not that I really see any result yet in the stomach, but I do feel the ability to contract them tighter and in areas that previously didn't contract at all. I might want to continue to do more abs til they catch up with the rest of my results and then just focus on my omni workouts after that.

Also, I think I'd really like to do more mini-rebounder stuff. Rumor has it that Tracy is coming out with her own rebounder, (and hopefully rebounder workouts?) When I get off I just feel really good inside and I workup a really great sweat too (Tracy calls sweat fairy dust). I still feel pain in my knees when I do the jumping on the floor. It's frustrating because I feel like to could be doing the cardio more freely and with more energy and enthusiam if I didn't feel like I had to tread sl lightly on my knees. But, I do think that as I lose weight and increase my muscle the pain will go away. So glad I have to rebounder to help me stay on track with cardio. Also, in the past when I've done her dance cardio, I've always gotten shin splints! And that hasn't happened this time, so I'm very happy about that!

Well, the journey continues...I'm so excited to see real results in the upcoming weeks and months. Results so far include increased firmess in arms and thighs as well as slight definition on sides of thighs, inner thighs just above the knees and more tone in shoulders. I know this is just the beginning. Gotta keep moving forward to climb my wall and see even better results. Can't wait!

Rest Weekend

I have been performing cardio and meta omni 5 times per week for the last three weeks. I feel really good about that so far! I was reading some other people's blogs, two ladies who are abcentric actually and I thought, maybe I should have done the abcentric...so...I decided I am gonna try doing her post pregnancy workout (though having been asked if I was pregnant by a lady who was very excited for me, I have in fact never been) which focuses on the abs. I'll do it once a week bringing myself to working out six days a week (which is Tracy's recommendation anyway). If this proves to throw me too far off balance and I want to continue with the 5 days a week I will certainly do what I think will serve me best in the long run in terms of staying motivated rather than overwhelmed and excited rather than burned out. Additionally, if after ninety days I see significantly less results in my stomache, I may switch over to abcentric continuity. The best part though?...I know with certainty that I will in a few short months reach continuity!

Also, I went to buy a scale from the store and stood on about 8 different scales (both digital and analog). Each one gave me a different weight! So...I figure since as I've mentioned overcoming placing too much value on the number on a scale, I'll just weigh myself on my friend's scale every time I find I've gone down a pant size which is a healthy alternative to weighing myself everyday. I'm starting at a tight size 14, I think maybe I'll get down to a 4, but I've never been so I don't really have a reference for myself. Again, it's not about the number, so much as using the numbers as a bonus to track my progress. This week will be days 16-20 and then onto level three! So glad and thankful to keep moving forward, breaking previous boundaries and overcoming mental blocks, procrastination, fear, and standing in my own way...here here!

Day 15: Rebounding for Joy

Didn't mention this before but I'm doing the omni meta. I was really on the fence between that and abcentric. To be honest I didn't want to have to do a lot of extra planks which I think are standouts for the abcentric, so I went with omni. However, I have come to think that I really am omni as I have smaller legs but my hips suddenly jut out in addition to having a spare tire. So, I am pleased to have gone with the omni

Day 15 felt good. I did most of my cardio on a rebounder, and even did 12 minutes of her Tel Aviv rebounder workout on yoututbe. It feels so good to not have added knee pain. The rebounder is very freeing in that way. I think i pushed a little too hard though, because I did have pain in parts of my back all day yesterday, but thankfully I seem to have slept it off. It just goes to show there is a fine balance between pushing myself and doing what my body is physically ready for. It's simply a balance to be found. Also, it seems that everytime I start a new workout routine of some sort, injuries are prone to happen in the beginning. If I expect and accept it, I can simply move on rather than get discouraged and feel the need to take a big break then start over. This is a very encouraging mentality for a recoverying perfectionist trying to jump on the anit-perfectionist bandwagon.

Another realization I've had is about how in the past when I'd start working out, I'd notice slightly more muscle tone in my legs and arms, but because I didn't stick to working out for more than a few weeks, it felt like this was the most my body was capable of changing. That was my mental picture, and when you dont' have any other frame of reference it feels like the truth. However, I have since come to realize that as I keep going, there will be more and more amazing changes.

So while weight has been a struggle for me since I jr high, I am at least thankful for this gift of transformation that will unfold before my eyes in the upcoming year. I am excited to break down mental barriers. I'm excited to experience this earth in a more comfortable and healthy body. I'm excited to try on clothes and not worry about shapewear, or a bulge on various angles of my body. Honestly, I've said it before, that I dont' want to promote negativity about different body shapes, but for me personally it will feel nice to feel I'm at a "normal" weight and no longer an "overweight" person. It feels as strange as waking up a different ethnicity (not to say one ethnicity is normal and another isn't), or waking up and being taller or shorter than I am because it feels like this is just my genetics.

I know that losing weight will not bring permanent happiness, or solve all my problems. But all the struggles that come from being overweight will be gone and that will be a relief. To have energy, and flexibilty, and greater mobility, and strength, and to know I have accomplished a goal I've been trying to do for so many years. To see that change is possible...it's exciting that I'm not just looking forward to the end result but also the journey as well.

Omni Days 1-14: Metamorphosis Beginnings

For now I would simply like to document my progress with the Tracy Anderson Method Metamorphosis program. I started on August 22nd 2011 after trying to start probably 2-3 times before. I have all her other DVD's and have dabbled in those as well. The furthest I've ever gotten was 23 days of consistent working out. However, this is even more different and even better than any other time I've started an exercise routine.

The first and biggest motivator with doing metamorphosis is KNOWING that it is going to work. I know that if I dedicate CONSISTENTLY I will get results...not just any results...but total toning perfection in a way I have always wanted but truly did not know was genetically possible for me. When I see the after results of these ladies I see perfectly toned arms and shoulders, long tight abs, perky behinds, and lean tight legs. There is no bulk, no excess fat. I am so thankful to have found the TAM and also so appreciative that Tracy would share her genius and what she has created to help so many women. And once I achieve my results, I want to call into QVC when she is on and express my appreciation directly to her and have the opportunity to share my results in the hopes that it will positively affect someone else.

The second reason this time is different than any other time, is that my brain understands this great visual analogy of climbing over a wall. My goal is to get over the wall yet no matter how many times I've tried and how much effort I've put in, I've never made it over. I realized that my biggest error was thinking that my scattered efforts (in climbing up the wall) would add up. I didn't realize that every time I stop and start over (in the name of perfection) that is equivalent to getting off the wall. So you see, the steps have to be one in front of the other in order to actually make it over. Whereas before, I would climb, something would come up causing me to jump off the wall, but in my mind I thought, "Well, I'll do it perfectly next time"...but yet never made it over the wall until this time because I now understand that while I don't have to (and in fact do not want to) be perfect, I must keep going forward.

I have been doing really great, performing meta cardio and toning 5 days a week for the last 14 days. I find doing it 5 days a week is just the perfect amount to not get overwhelmed and not feel that I'm not moving fast enough. It's the perfect balance to do it all week, feel accomplished, take the weekend to recuperate, and be motivated and excited for the next week.

It was really exciting to get past level one of meta, and onto the new moves of level two. Level two was quite the shocker because I had improved quite a bit in cardio and toning my first couple weeks, so level two threw me for a loop with how challenging the moves were. But amazingly, I find myself improving regardless of not being able to do all the moves in their entirety (not even half the moves on some exercises). That is actually my third mental change that motivates me. Dropping the perfectionist, defeatist belief that I have to be able to perform all the moves perfectly to be worthy of the method. Just start from where I am, because doing whatever I am able to do really does add up, and really does improve my strength. I continue to be surprised by how I improve when I just do my best rather than trying to be perfect. It really does add up, really and truly makes a difference.

So far my measurements are the same and possibly bigger because I am doing nothing with my diet to begin with. My only goal is to be consistent with my meta (that in and of itself will lead to wonderful change). In fact, in regards to food I want to utilize Geneen Roth's techniques (of Women Food and God fame) in order to have a balanced mind when it comes to me and food. Once that is better, then I would like to gradually find balance in eating more healthfully. I am not in such a hurry. I will be wearing a lovely bridesmaid dress in November 2012, so I suppose my goal is to be toned and done with excess weight by that time. That gives me almost 14 months which is ample and perfect time.

I imagine that since I'm starting at 170 and 5'3'' 120 is what I will end up at, but honestly I'm not fixated on a number. While I do plan to weigh myself each day, I realize I really do stay in a range, and so in weighing myself everyday it is merely the average I'm interested in.

Those old obsessive thoughts about gaining a pound and another and another are gone, because I am very confident and thankful for the direction I'm heading in. I noticed more tone and tightness on my lower thighs than I've ever seen, and it was a visual for me to realize that one day soon, and for the first time in my adult life, I will no longer and never again (of my own doing) be and overweight person. It was exciting to think about not being self-conscious of an uncomfortable belly, of not worrying if something makes me look more or less fat. I also don't want to project negative body image onto other people. I believe everyone deserves everything good and beautiful in the world regardless of how they look or weigh. Everyone deserves to be loved and respected as human beings regardless of our outer layers. There are curvy girls that are beautiful and don't need to lose weight. For me personally, I have no energy, I feel unhealthy and weighted down. Without adequate muscle and energy I feel like I schlep my body everywhere, out of bed, to work. I sit in the car hunched over with fatigue. I use food in unhealthy ways, and up until now I hadn't exercised my body to make it healthy. These are truths, but I also want a body that looks and feels healthy to me, and for me. I want to feel I am taking care of myself in everyway possible, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and also physically.

My wish is to accept myself and body as it is now, while also making it okay strive toward something different as well and be happy and excited about that too. Here we go!