L7/Day 65-67: Contributing Joy

So, I will forewarn you that I'm scatterbrained. I have gotten back into my toning, but no cardio for a little over two weeks now. Of the two, I would rather be feeling like I can check off the MS levels off my calendar rather than cardio. Plus I feel like cardio endurance will come back more quickly than if I lost all the work I put into my accessory muslces. Anyway, I mentioned a few weeks back how a few family members found my workouts in the living room to be a disturbance to them (noise of trampoline for example). So, I figured out that I have enough room in my bedroom to do my MS using the computer (can't do cardio in my room which is why I've had difficulty getting back into that). Well, in using the computer I discovered I could bookmark the workout wherever I wanted, so I bookmarked it at the legs sections. Which means, with the press of a button I can easily do my right legs, then click on the same bookmark again to do my left leg because that way I will hear her cueing both times. Woo, hoo!

Also, I made a slight change to the order of my workout. Because bookmarking is so easy on my computer, I actually do the legs portions first (the hardest, least enjoyable portion for me) then I do arms then finish with abs. Love it! In Tracy's bootcamp, she actually does the leg portion first so I figure what I'm doing is Tracy approved in one capacity or another.

Tomorrow is December 1st, and if I stay on schedule doing my workouts 7 days a week (including extra cardio workouts to make up for the ones I've missed), my full 90-day program of Metamorphosis will officially be completed December 31, which means come January 1st, 2012 I will officially begin Continuity!! Ahhh, it's exciting for me because I love beginning things on Mondays or Sundays (both have a decisive, beginning of the week feel) I love starting things on the first of the month, and of course we all love starting our goal's with the new year. I am such a lucky duck, that January 1st starts on a Sunday, so it is like the perfect storm (new week, new month, new year, new program all falling on the same day.) The most exciting thing perhaps is that my New Years resolution will not be to find an exercise routine/regime that works. My New Year's resolution will also not be to do Metamorphosis. My resolution will be to begin Continuity, and what that means for me more than anything is that I AM MOVING FORWARD. For the first time in my life, I am moving forward when it comes to getting in shape. Hallelujah!

I also wanted to briefly touch on an epiphany I had today. I was feeling depressed about life in general and I just kind of thought this is how I will always be. I will always fight depression and never be a truly happy person because life on this planet is just too crazy to ever be happy. I was feeling badly because I was going to visit my bf on his lunch break and I didn't want the 30 minutes that I'd get to see him today to be about me feeling depressed. As I was driving I thought to myself, if this life is so depressing why do I want to live? (don't worry, I wasn't suicidal, it was really just a question to contemplate, to create a conversation within myself). I thought to myself...well there are many lovely things in life to live for, amazing things like love, humanity, experiencing the senses, goodness, kindness. But, it's hard to be happy when this world feels like it's gone mad (war, greed, etc). I thought to myself, I don't want to be part of crazy-ness and the misery in this world. But then I realized that by allowing myself to be miserable rather than joyful, I MYSELF WAS CONTRIBUTING to the miserable parts of this world rather than doing anything to help it.

I don't believe misery will ever end misery. In otherwords, me being unhappy doesn't do anything to help anybody else be less unhappy...quite the contrary. Seeking out joy on the other hand, at least has the potential to help shift misery into something better. Unhappiness will not negate unhappiness, it will only double the sorrow. If I want to help the world, but I'm miserable I will be depleted of energy, cynical....if I have joy, and hope, then maybe I can do something to help others. Also, if there is truth to the law of attraction, then my having joy will help me seek out joyful things, and bring more joy into my life and those around me. I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to fix war and greed and suffering. But I can tell you that if I can help it, I don't want to add one more drop of misery to the world. I want to help tip things in the other I want to combat misery by contributing my joy, by making joy that much stronger a presence in the world.

L7/Day 61-64: Failure is an Illusion

So....it has been a little while since I posted a blog, and that's because it had been a little while since I worked out. Basically, I had more changes to my basic daily routine that threw me off of the comfortable groove I'd settled into. And yet, here I am still continuing on with level 7. My perfectionist mind did not get the better of me. Somewhere in my head a voice said, "you've lost too much muscle, I guess you should start over at level 1" in other words, "jump off the wall as fast as you can, and start allover climbing up from the very bottom; don't build on all the work you've already done"...hmmm....maybe if I had missed a month then yes Tracy recommends starting over at level 1, but that wasn't the case with me. Instead, another voice in my head said yet again..."just do your personal best, and keep moving forward." Oh? When did it become that easy to get back on track?

In my experience I've managed to pick up a lot of unhelpful information from society, parents, media, etc that says you have to be perfect, and maybe even more specifically failure is not an option. Yes, in life and death scenarios or situations that threaten your survival then yes failure is not an option. In my personal circumstances and specifically applied to the situation of me getting in shape, there really is no such thing as failure in my humble opinion. Failure isn't real in this case. It's something I made up in my head that said you can't lose weight because all you've ever known is being over weight. You can't stick with something, because you've never been able to do stick with anything consistently before. If you do try something and run into new challenges then you have failed, and if you've failed x-number of times then you're hopeless, you'll always be a failure. You are incapable because you've never proven yourself to be capable before. You have to be critical of yourself before other people can tear you down with their criticisms (beat them to the punch). Wow, sounds very vicious when it's all written together like that and yet these are the things I've told myself time and time agian. They were things my brain tricked me into believing were true, and as I had no other evidence to prove otherwise I believed them.

I can only share what I have learned from my personal experience, but what I want to share with myself for future reference and with anyone else who can relate to starting stopping and starting all the way over again in cycles that never end...failure isn't real. Give yourself credit for trying first of all! We are not in a competition with anyone else. We are not even in a competition with ourselves. So that means that any effort however small it may seem will amount to something if we allow ourselves to be proud of ourselves for what we have done. It is very easy to criticize ourselves for not doing as good as we think we should be. I think some people are motivated by that, it creates drive in them. But I am not that type of person. I am coming to learn that my motivation comes from being proud of myself for every small thing I do that is good. If I do toning without cardio, I am proud of myself. If I try to hold my body up in a plank move that is so hard I can hardly do any reps I am proud of myself. And today when I exercised for 3 days in a row again after taking a small hiatus I was utterly proud of myself!

We can be motivated by being proud of ourselves rather than critical. I find it frees up energy for me, and it free me up mentally to keep moving in a forward direction. When we criticize the past we keep ourselves stuck in the past. Ask youself, is that what you want? If not, then have enough compassion for yourself to move forward. The one important thing for you to know is that it will not be an overnight process. It does take time to begin to unlearn habits that don't serve us and replace them with ones that do. But suddenly you wake up one day and find how many days you've crossed off your Meta calendar, and maybe it's because you decided to be kind to yourself instead of critical.

Btw, level 7 is awesome. I certainly did have a drop in strength the first 3 days of this level since I had taken a break. But after just 3 days, I feel strong again. If you've never been fit before like me, you will come to discover that when you do have muscles, it actually feels really good to use them. Whereas moving my body used to feel utterly exhausting, it now kinda feels like I'm training to be in Cirque du Soleil with the grace and agility of a dancer/acrobat. It feels good.

As Dory from Finding Nemo said, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"...

L6/Day 60: Level 7 Here I Come

Done with level 6 baby!! Wooooo! Not only that, I am done with disc 2 of Meta. I previewed level 7 and I'm excited to see yet again how much variety this level will bring. The legs in particular look awesome. Rather than being on all fours most of the time, you are balancing as a partial plank move or even doing a couple moves on your back! It looks fantastic, like a true omni workout using all of your body for each move to bring everything together.

As I was doing my first leg moves for level 6 today, I was feeling nostalgic in that this was the last time I'd be doing level 6. But by the second leg I was very happy to be done. Time marches on my friends. In fact, tomorrow is my birthday!! I will be celebrating by going to Disneyland and enjoying a complimentary birthday meal at one of my fav restaurants The Veggie Grill.

I will also be celebrating by doing my workout! It will also be the first birthday of my teen/adult years where my goal for the upcoming year of my life is not to start exercising regularly, but to actually keep exercising. It's also the first time in my life I'm not continuosly overeating and binging my way through life. I'm starting to find a balance with food. My relationship with food is changing into not feeling guilty about any food, and not using food to utterly numb and sedate myself. An additional book I've started reading is called Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole & Elyse Resch. For me it builds upon earlier works I've read by Geneen Roth (Women, Food, and God).

I feel like this path we're on is so amazing because it just kind of unfolds...Don't misunderstand, it's not like you just sit there and enjoy the ride free of charge. But as you go along you really can't see the road ahead. You don't know what it's going to reveal. But yet, if you do your part it really does feel like something helps you along and you discover things about yourself. All I can say is, you don't have to be able to imagine it to get there. I've reached level 7 and I still haven't wrapped it....I still don't believe it. But if you take the steps, if you can just have enough courage and persistence to do the steps along the way, well...it feels like something lovely was waiting for you to arrive this whole time.

Day 59: I'm Still Climbing the Wall

Almost to level 7 people, which is the very last disc of Meta! Gosh, who knew this was actually possible not just for all those people you see in the before and afters, not just for all those people who can set a goal and seemingly achieve it so easily...who knew change was possible for me? I always hoped it would be, but when you've tried and not risen to the challenge of accomplishing your goal time and time again over the course of over 15+ years, how can you really believe that you are capable? How can you learn to trust yourself, learn to break through previous barriers when you never have before? Well, I made a whole list of things a while back entitled, "What has made this time different" and you can read about it on the right side of this blog (I still read it from time to time to remind me of those important tools I've learned along the way). But more than anything, it's about accomplishing one small step at a time, one leg lift, one workout...they stack up on top of each other until enough time passes that they add up to something big. It's the whole climbing the wall metaphor that I frequently spoke of when I first began my journey.

This week was a little discombobulating. I got another cold, my work hours increased and shifted from evening to morning shifts, I got my monthly...the point is not that I'm trying to bargain with my excuse monkey (wink wink Michelle) but that new situations arose this week which threw off my groove of working out in the morning, going to work in the evening, etc. I also had 2 family members that I live with tell me that my workouts created discomfort for them in some way, noise of the trampoline as an example. It's just not easy! Life is ever-changing and once you conquer one challenge, you have to deal with something else it seems. The trick I think is to believe in yourself enough to know that whatever comes up, you are capable enough to figure out how to handle it. But, in spite of all these minor obstacles, Tracy and I are still on good terms. I'm still "failing forward" into better things.

Day 57 & 58: Normal is Not Being Perfect

So this week my personal best, balanced efforts will amount to 5 days a week of exercise vs the 6 I've done the past couple weeks. I say this because I want to put it out there that not being perfect is normal. I am proud of 5 days a week. 5-6 days a week is a good range to stick to. I often remind myself that 4 months ago and for the rest of my life before that, I never exercised consistently. So how can I be so hard on myselfs for missing one workout? Truly the real danger comes from getting caught up mentally, and blowing things out of proportion. Fixating is the real issues. Allowing myself to be imperfect and accepting my abilities in a range allows me to stay sane! It allows me to not make such a big deal out of things (which my bf will attest that making a bigger deal out of things is my default). You know what, it's just not a big deal to miss one workout! It just isn't.

These last couple days I counted the reps on my left leg instead of rewinding to the right leg again so that I can hear Tracy's cueing for my left leg. Michelle from the TAM community suggested this, and you know what...that lady knows what she's talking about! It made the workout go by faster, and it gave me something to focus on (counting) besides the pain. It also helped me to feel like I wasn't doing endless legs lifts because I could count down getting closer and closer to the end.

Let's all be easier on ourselves, kinder to ourselves. Prouder for what we HAVE accomplished, giving credit where credit is do. Continued success to you all!

Day 56: Now...Do it all on the Left Side

"Now do it all on the left side"...those can be somewhat dreaded words, eh? For some reason, it is mentally harder to think of doing all the same moves on the left side than doing the left side but with different moves, you know? It can take so much mental energy to push through that first side, and now you want me to repeat it...so often I think to myself, "I just can't do it again, there's not enough left in me"...And yet somehow, somehow I have done it, 56 times.

I do wish that Tracy would cue us on the left side when we are to change moves (as half the time we're not looking at the screen), but my strategy is just to rewind to the beginning of the right side and do that again on the left so I can hear the cues. Tracy is truly a genius in what she has created, so how did she overlook something so seemingly apparent?

But I will say, I would rather take her lack of chit chat over a trainer who is constantly yelling at me as a source of motivation to push myself. That style just doesn't motivate me personally. In fact, I remember than when I first started Meta but wasn't able to get through level 1 (on earlier attempts at the program), I remember imagining trainer Jillian Michaels yelling at me that I'm not pushing hard enough. I would imagine Tracy too, but she wouldn't be yelling. She was just disappointed in me that I wasn't giving it my all, and was slacking off (because I couldn't do forty reps from the get-go). What is that?!? Well, I imagine it was my own inner critic disguised as these trainers.

So how did I turn it around? I've mentioned it before but it bears repeating. I started telling myself that my personal best was good enough, and that I would grow from wherever I was starting. That is the TRUTH after all. I had deceived myself into believing that if I couldn't do all the reps, I wouldn't progress. I had to do it perfectly or it wasn't going to work. Well, for the first time in my life it is working and it's not because I'm being perfect. Quite the opposite. It's because I'm allowing myself and accepting myself as imperfect, as normal. I came to learn that trying to be perfect (doing it like Tracy) exhausted me, while doing my personal best (being myself if you will) empowered me.

Tracy was right about level six btw. She starts of this level by encouraging us that the best is yet to come. For me this level has brought the most noticeable changes to my body. At this point, I do notice a difference in the way my pants fit around my waist. It is ever so slight, but it's changed for certain. I even weighed myself because I knew I had made progress and I'm officially out of the 160's and down to 159.75 lbs. My thighs have slimness and more firmness, my arms have more definition. I can hold my body up through a whole plank series, and I can do 1 full push-up (haha, it's small but it's progress). And I can do an hour of cardio! Wow. Literally 1 minute of cardio on day #1 was scary. How the heck can I do an hour now? That's pretty insane! Keep it coming Tracy, and may I be blessed enough to meet you one day so I can give you a hug and thank you for changing my life :)

Learning the Goodness of Slowing Down

I wanted to binge today. It's really not easy to distinguish hungry from full, but I can tell when I want to binge. It feels like I want food NOW, and I want a big bowl of it and then I'm thinking of what I'm gonna eat right after that. And when I want to slow down and take a few deep breaths and ask myself, "am I hungry, anxious, sleepy, thirsty?", my binge-craving mind wants to ignore those questions, tell them "go away, I'm busy with more important things like feeling at one with this food."

I did try to slow down though. I tried to breathe, I tried to chew more slowly, I tried to figure out what I was really feeling. Then thankfully as I went to get a second bowl of food, and came to sit back down on the couch, as I was sitting my fork accidentally fell out of my hand....I seized that opportunity as a sign that my sub-conscious or someone looking out for me in the universe was trying to help me out. It was enough to wake me up and out of my typical binge/overeating pattern for me to realize with a sigh, I am not hungry.

I'm not entirely sure what triggered me to want to overeat today. I think it's just the general feeling of all the things I'd like to get done but at the same time I'm avoiding (things as simple as doing the dishes. I can tell you that more than anything, my mind feels like it's running a hundred miles an hour, so fast that I can't even comprehend what it's trying to tell me. I feel like time is flying by, the day turns so quickly to night and back to day again. (I have no idea how it's already time for the holidays) I want to keep accomplishing more goals, but I feel like I just can't calm down and slow down mentally. I'm not a terribly busy person, and yet for some reason I feel like I don't have enough time to myself to stop and breath and think and focus so that I can start to work on my life list.

Sometimes, if I do slow down enough, I feel guilty for being "unproductive". Like this one time I was doing a jigsaw puzzle by myself...a good relaxing activity that I was really enjoying...but I felt guilty that there are people suffering around the world at this very moment and here I am selfishly doing this jig-saw puzzle intstead of going out and helping the world. I want to help the world, I very much want to help the world. Even when I was very little, I wished I'd had a magic wand to solve all the world's problems.

At this point in my life, I simply want learn how to take REALLY good care of myself, and in so doing, I'll then be able fill myself up enough to be able help others as well. I just realized now that I feel really guilty when I slow down. If I slow down too much, it feels like too much and I feel guilty. I need to give myself permission to slow down, to not feel guilty for taking time to take care of myself, or having fun just for the sake of having fun. Taking care of myself and having fun are part of a healthy life I think... yes, I'm pretty sure it is part of a balanced healthy life. And if I want to help others to have better life circumstances, I suppose I have to allow myself to be an example of a full and balanced life first, don't I? From this realization I feel peace, and I feel full.

..............................................................................................................................................................

I overate yesterday. I didn't binge but I overate. I felt underlying anxiousness through most of the day. You know when I finally calmed down? Just before bed. I was lying in bed reading a book, and my belly was very full, and I wan under warm blankets and wearing soft fuzzy socks. But more than anything my brain slowed down, my body slowed down. Something I've known about myself for a long time is that at night as I'm winding down in that last half hour of being awake, I'm calmer and my brain is more focussed. But because I'm so sleepy I can't harness that focus and that calm energy for productive things.

The contrast though of the calmness I physically felt in my body and brain, versus the hectic-ness of my brain and body during the day, it really makes me feel like I have some sort of chemical imbalance that makes it so difficult to not feel anxious and like my brain is spinning all day. Although I'm not sure what to do about it in this moment, it helps to be able to take note of these patterns. And it helps to be able to see that anxiousness is not a normal state of being, and that my body is capable of feeling not anxious. Anxiousness is probably the biggest thing in my life that not only causes me to overeat, but to be afraid of living. It inhibits me from taking care of things that I want and need to take care of. I think finding a solution to my anxiousness in gonna be an amazing starting point, and catalyst for so many other areas of my life. Wow, that feels pretty big.

Day 55: Not Wanting to Workout but Doing It Anyway

Today was my 5th day on level 6. I began my workout out first thing in the morning before my brain had a chance to interject. I got through arms and then my brain said I don't want to do this anymore, like at all. I was feeling frustrated because I was remembering a couple occassions where I've worked out in the past for shorter periods of time and had quicker results than I'm getting this time around. When I attempted Tracy's Bootcamp earlier this year, I was able to stick to it for 3 weeks and I physically saw my butt lifted and could feels my abs were stronger. When I practiced her Mat video arms, I noticed an immediate change in my arms in just a week. The difference I suppose was the amount of time dedicated to muscular structure. Mat arms is 20 minute segment for example. I don't want to spend an hour a day on muscular structure...so I suppose it's just a matter of time before all my workouts add up the the tangible results I'm looking for...patience patience patience...plus this is the first time I'm actually sticking to a workout. So what's better? Quick results that are short lived or slower results that last a lifetime? Exactly.

So, when I didn't want to workout, I asked myself why? The response, I don't feel like it. Well, why don't you feel like it? Because, I don't want my job anymore, and I don't have the results I want from my workouts. Is stopping working out going to help you have a different job?...no. Is not working out going to help you get better results?...no. And so, I finished my workout. And while I didn't feel so accomplished today, I was glad it was over (and completed), and today that's good enough for me. Well, I did kick butt in cardio this week :)

Day 54: Starting to Prefer New Eating Habits, Say What?!?

I mentioned how my hour of cardio the other day came as a lovely surprise...well, I was also worried it might have been a fluke. As usual, there was no need to worry! I did another hour of cardio consisting of 20 minutes bootcamp, 20 minutes meta, and rounding it off with 20 minutes on the rebounder! Gooooooo Me! You know they say, "variety is the spice of life"...well that's no joke. If Tracy ever wanted to throw out her "perfection is possible" motto in lieu of something else, "variety..." would be it! I mean, she even changes up her outfits on each new level for goodness sake. I just cannot imagine how anyone could keep up with a program that did not have this much variety with some new challenge to overcome, and something new to look forward to in the near future. It's like that feeling that comes at the beginning of a new exercise program is relived to some small degree every time you start a new level.

Also, my continuity arrived in the mail today! When I got it I thought, wow...this is real, I'm actually doing this. Incidentally I know many people have mentioned how their discs arrived late or were damaged. Thankfully, mine arrived 2 weeks after I placed the order, and in working condition...whew. It was so exciting to get a new cardio. The moves look fun and more dancey. Looking forward to it for sure, but I'm gonna save that puppy for when I officially begin Continuity. Some of the moves I previewed in muscular structure were crazy looking though. In one of the moves you are balancing on your hands, one leg, and your head! I feel like I'll be ready to join Cirque Du Soleil by the time I'm done with Continuity. The great thing was...I had no fear of failure. I was looking forward to trying new things, and getting better at them :)

As for eating, I am noticing that my body doesn't like being stuffed! For breakfast, I had half a sandwich and a cup of soup (just for reference, I would normally have 2 sandwiches and bowl of soup.) These days I usually start with a smaller amount of food, and then try to assess if I'm still hungry afterward and can then prepare more food if necessary. Well, after I ate I thought I might still be hungry (again this is a re-learning process so it really is hard to tell if I'm hungry or not). I got up from the table, got all the ingredients out of the fridge and realized to my surprise, I'm not hungry. I put everything back in the fridge and went to work knowing that when I was hungry again, I would have something tasty to eat.

Later in the day, I went to an all-vegan grocery store for the first time called Viva La Vegan Grocery. It was exciting! I picked up a handful of things that I had never tried before as they weren't in my regular healthfood store. Mostly fun junk food type things. Anyway, I got home and had small portions, but found they weren't filling. So I ate more and more and still didn't really feel full. I kind of came to realize over the course of the night, I didn't necessarily want these things in my fridge. New foods that are considered junk food are fun to try with a couple bites, but in the end I found they were not filling or satisfying in the way an actual meal would be. It was a nice realization that perhaps, and just maybe my desires for junkfood are no longer uncontrollable, ravenous cravings. It felt like that desire for balance that I'd wanted about being able to eat mostly healthfully, but still occassionally enjoy what I call "balance" food (others call "bad" food) for special occassions/social events, that maybe that could actually be a reality some day. The other night for example, my bf's dad offered to make us some delicious burritos for dinner. As I knew I was full, I simply enjoyed a bite of my bf's burrito, and I felt satisfied enough by that. I also smelled it a couple times, but the point is I got the experience out of it that I wanted. I got to taste it and smell it, and that was all I needed.

Don't get me wrong, I by no means have this eating thing figured out. But I'm learning new things without being hard on myself for not knowing them in the first place. As my TAM friend Michelle would say, I'm "failing forward". And the thing about failing forward, is that it no longer feels like failure...at that point, it's just called learning.

Day 53: Overcoming Fear of Failure

(Sarcastically) Golly, great way to start the 1st of November, World Vegan Day....I had work early today so I decided I'd do my workout when I got off. Well, then I ended up working late, visiting my bf on his lunch break, getting dinner. By the time all this was done I was pooped, and didn't want to workout. Well, I did my toning work, but no cardio today. However, I learned yesterday that an hour of cardio is really not too bad. So I can easily make up for my missing cardio tomorrow.

I will say that doing an hour of cardio made a difference as I woke up this morning and though I don't have a scale could definitely tell I had lost weight!! I probably won't do an hour a day of cardio 6 times a week, but I'll shoot for every other day and work my way up! It was really encouraging to tangibly see my hard work pay off though, and to have a real solution come to fruition! So if you haven't given an hour of cardio a try and you want to experiement with it, I say go for it. If you're body is ready, you'll enjoy it. If it's too much, no worries! Kudos to you for having the courage to experiment.

We're so trained to fear looking the fool aren't we? I know I am. I remember in elementary school I went to a roller skating rink. The announcer then told everyone to skate backwards. Many if not most people got out and watched from the sidelines. I had not developed any reservations or self-consciousness at that tender age, so I tried to skate backwards. Some girl from the side lined yelled "You can't skate backwards!" That was the first time I can recall someone saying something like that to me. This random girl (who I'm sure didn't know any better) said something to make me feel bad just because I was trying. I didn't do ANYTHING wrong, yet here I was being criticized for no reason at all other than being fearless and being myself. Honestly, my throat is getting choked up just thinking about it. At that time, I think I was so confused by her statement because I'd never experienced someone being mean like that before. I rememeber looking up at her, but I can't remember if I got out of the rink or not.

I can tell you that all these years later, it still affects me. Not on an everyday basis like I think about this one incident all the time, but certainly little incidents like that have added up in my life that fear of embarassment and fear of failure are very predominant themes in my life. I'm not sure what it takes for wounds like these to heal. But I can say from experience that taking it one day at a time, baby steps of accomplishment add up to a positive momentum in the right direction. I rememeber at the beginning of Meta for example I really had a fear that I couldn't get through the workouts. I had a fear of failure and embarassment even though no one else was around to judge me except myself.

Even before I started level 5, I rememeber previewing it and being scared (fearful) that I wouldn't be able to do it (failure). However, I learned a big lesson from that level. I learned that when I perceive something is difficult, it's best to at least give it a try because sometimes it's not as hard as I thought. Certainly there was no reason to have FEAR over it. Nothing bad was actually going to happen! Now I'm able to approach levels and new challenges in TAM by reminding myself that I do not need to be perfect to succeed. Once again, I just need to try, and learn, have kindness for myself, patience, faith, and keep moving forward.

From Avoiding Cardio to an Hour of Cardio

I had been really not feeling like doing cardio after my toning earlier this morning. I put off doing it all day. Then once I finally began, I got one minute into it and my bf called on his lunchbreak interrupting my momentum (though I was happy to hear from him). But once I finally got into it, it felt really good! I imagine it's something like a runner's high, but I'm sure I had feel good hormones running through me. I loved the leaping and bouncing and arms movements.

I normally do 20 minutes of boot camp plus 15 minutes on the trampoline. Today, I did 20 minutes of meta cardio then was only gonna do 10 minutes of bootcamp but decided that since I had some momentum I'd try to keep going and I did! I did 20 minutes of meta, 20 minutes of cardio, and 20 minutes on the trampoline. The great thing was I wasn't forcing myself. It just felt good! Plus in doing the extra 30 minutes today I was able to make up for the one cardio session I've missed since beginning meta.

Today's cardio just felt like a lovely surprise. You know a couple weeks ago, the time was right to start doing meta 6 days a week instead of 5. Now, it feels like the time is right to up the cardio. It's not easy to imagine how things will unfold, but the natural flow of this process unfolding and improving on its own has been lovely, and I'm just thankful. Stress just seems to be less and less useful. I see it in myself, and I relate to it in others on the forums. In my experience with TAM, utilizing faith in and kindness to myself have proven to be greater forces than stress and criticism.

Day 52: Level 6 is Good

Well, I'm sittin here having only done my muscular structure work. I enjoyed it, but I just didn't feel like doing cardio immediately after. Don't get me wrong, my cardio will get done, but it's taking me all day to get around to it. Level six is gonna be good though, I can tell. It really uses your whole body.

Some definite changes I've noticed so far since starting the program include: greater space between thigh area above knee, tone in arms, restructuring of lower side abs, greater strength and cardio endurance, a few pounds of weight loss (somewhere around 9 lbs), and my pants are just a smidgen less tight around my tum tum. I'm still waiting for an overall increase of energy, significant weight loss, and for my pants to not be tight. Ugh, I'm getting sick of hearing myself complain, I'm sorry if it's annoying to anyone else too. I would like to keep my attitude going in a positive direction. I know I've started down that road, but there is a ways to go. Let's be more gentle on ourselves shall we?

As for eating, I noticed that I was starting to calculate calories inadventantly (as I switched from writing down in my journal not only what I ate but how much). I was around 15-1600 a day and was growing anxious about how little food adds up to that many calories! I feel like writing my food quantities serves more to criticize myself, and stress out than just writing what the food itself was that I was eating without quantity. It is up to my body and brain to re-learn how to eat, and what full really looks like for my body. When my body doesn't feel full but my calories have added up for the day, that's not a good feeling. Logically, I will get full on less as time goes on because my stomach will shrink after my binges and overeating end. For goodness sakes, it's just like TAM-a journey and a process. So, instead I'd like to go back to just writing what I'm eating without a quantity so that overtime after I'll have learned what full means to me. I can then learn to better the quality of my food (more fresh fruits and veg for example).

Okay, I'm off to do my cardio. Yay, me, but before I do that, I leave you with a great recipe full of omega 3's and healthy fats that brought such great disgestive improvements I feel compelled to share.

Creamy Choco Omega Shake

Blend everything in a blender until smoothe, luscious and creamy! (Feel free to use more cocoa powder if you don't have carob or use Teecino instead of cocoa powder if you are avoiding caffeine, & coconut oil if you don't have Artisana Coconut Butter available to you):

1 Cup Almond Milk
1 Tbsp Chia Seeds
1 Tbsp Artisana Coconut Butter
1/2 Tbsp Carob Powder
1/2 Tbsp Cocoa Powder
3-4 Ice Cubes
Stevia to Taste

Day 51: Loving Level 6!

Seriously, level 6 has even more new moves that I've never seen before. The arms section had some really new moves. The abs section is awesome because since your head remains lifted so much of the time, it's very easy to follow along. Also the legs portions is not just the same position on all fours with leg variations. It actually has quite different body positions. The theme of this level is "lots of variation" and variation means it goes by fast! Level 6 is great! So far it seems that the even levels tend to be my favorites. Just don't bring back awful level 3 and I'll be good to go!

As for food, I am slowly learning how to identify when I'm full. In fact, I ate a little too much at one meal yesterday and felt "stuffed" even though it was no where near the quantity of food I'd eat during binges, or even just overeating like I normally do at most every meal. What struck me is that being "stuffed" used to feel like a good thing. It brought a level of comfort and it was how I could tell I was "full". But now that I'm getting a little used to eating smaller portions, being "stuffed" to any degree feel incredibly uncomfortable! I almost felt like I was sick. What a strange experience that was, since my eating habit has been to feel "stuffed" for so many years, and in just a couple days it now feels uncomfortable! This is truly RE-LEARNING how to eat, as it is sooooo different from what I've done most all life. Even my protein shakes I used to down in one glass. Now, I can only drink 1/2 the glass, take a break, and then continue to sip the rest.

It's important to note there is a difference between using portion control by listening to your bodies cues (as I'm trying to do) and portion control that comes from pre-portioned sizes that set the limits for you (as I've done in the past with other diets). In listening to my body, there is a lot less stress and feelings of deprivation involved. I don't have as strong an urge to rebel, and like I say it actually feels uncomfortable to even be a little too full. On the other hand, when I'd diet using pre-portioned sizes, I wanted to binge, at the first opportunity. All I can say is this feels revolutionary.

The type of thing I'm doing I partially learned from a couple different books by Geneen Roth, and I am so thankful to have advice from that. But, it is a totally different ballgame to actually experience it for myself, than to just read about others' experiences. This process is really teaching me how to help myself, how to listen to myself, how to experiment to discover things for myself. It's easy for me to feel like I need someone else to tell me what to do, to figure things out, to rescue me. This process is showing me how to take whatever tools are available (including other people's experiences), but at the same time, to discover and explore what I have to offer as well.

Day 50: Done with Level 5

Wow, wow! Done with level 5?? That is incredible. Level 4 was my love, but level 5 was not bad either! Hopefully level 3 was just an anamoly with all its horribleness. Level 5 went by at a good speed, and now I'm excited to start level 6 on Sunday! Also, the past two weeks in a row I bumped up my workouts from 5 to 6 days a week, and it is totally doable, so I'm very happy about that as well. Level 6 feels like I'm really getting there. I'm solidly over half way through with meta. 50 days also feels like a solid milestone too. Weeeeee!

As I was bouncing on my rebounder today and watching my DVR of Tracy on QVC, I was thinking to myself how incredible it is that this program changes every ten days. I mean really...what other program does that? Who can sustain a program long terms if you are at best rotating the same few dvd's every few days? I am so thankful to have a program that allows my brain and my body enough variety to stick with it. I am also thankful that that same program has a trainer who isn't yelling at you to stay motivated. I am also thankful that the outcomes of that program is a dancer's lean and toned body. AND I'm so glad that Tracy condensed it into one hour! My goodness, with her other dvd's you would ideally do an hour of toning plus an hour of cardio. This program is truly all-in-one.

I am gonna do a weigh in the next time a go to my bf's house and have him write down my measurements without me seeing. In the end I will be happy to look back and see my progress, but in the midst of the process, it is more than I can handle, and diverts my focus and energy away from my hardwork, and instead onto results, the pace of which are not in my hands.

Level 6 here I come!

Day 49: Relearning what "Full" Feels Like

Another good exercise day (thank goodness this seems to be more and more of a norm for me). I listened to my own playlists to get me through all those leg lifts. I did run into awful leg pain when I began my cardio though! It felt like the worst shin splint ever, I couldnt' even stand on my leg without it hurting. So I sat down and massaged it for a few minutes. The thought definitely crossed my head that maybe I would not be able to do cardio today. Luckily when I stood back up I seemed to be okay, but I was too scared of jumping and landing into shooting leg pain, so I opted to do 30 minutes on the rebounder today. In the past, that has sometimes proven to be amazing, and other times painfully boooooring. Today, it went by super fast, as I watched my DVR of Tracy on QVC as I shaked an shimmied on that bad boy for an easy breezy 30 minutes.

As for eating...well, there is a difference between having an amazing, potentially life altering epiphane (hunger and anxiousness are not the same thing, and therefore food only meets one of those needs ) and actually learning how to eat thereby undoing a lifetime of muttled, misguided eating habits. Truly, I am not exaggerating when I say a lifetime.

From the time we are very young we learn to equate food with comfort as our mothers held us close and fed us when we cried. While I don't rememeber that far back, I remember in elementary school that I wanted what I couldn't have. My parents only bought all natural food. This might have been fine if that's what everyone else was eating, but I desired to "fit in" and "feel normal" when I saw other kids eating those little baggies of chips and bologna sandwiches while I snacked on raw cauliflower and stinky tuna.

I learned that you should finish everything on your plate as children in Africa are starving. I remember one time I poured too much cereal (I was visited my grandparents and they had frosted flakes, something I had only seen on TV, so of course I poured a huge bowl.) I was in kindergarten, and I specifically remember wishing I had a magic wand to make the rest of the food go away so I wouldn't have to eat it all because as a child I instinctively knew what it felt like to be full, but was socialized to eat anyway. (Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my parents in the least for this as they were kind and well intentioned. The situation simply affected me from a young age, and that is my only point.) Next came jr. high, where I had my first opportunity to eat what I wanted as I was buying my lunch at school. I don't want to go into the details of all the goodies, because it too easily triggers cravings for me, but the point is I took full advantage of my new found freedom. I would then come home and relax by eating and plopping myself in front of the tv. This time felt like my reward, for a hard day of school, a break before I had to start my homework, and before my parents came home.

I only wish to convey to myself that re-learing how to eat will take time, and I certainly hope will get easier. It's not that I even ate poorly today. My current objective is not to restrict my eating in any way other than to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. More than anything, my objective is to learn what hungry and full feel like, particularly to learn to how feeling anxious is not the same as feeling hungry as I discovered a few nights ago that my mind had learned to identify anxious= hunger (when this is in fact not true).

What I've learned so far is what it feels like to not go into a food coma after nearly every meal. After my meals I normally feel very heavy in my protruding stomach. I feel lumbering and slow, and ready for a nap. Today, I felt not stuffed yet not hungry, but something in between. It was a very unusual space for me to exist in. Sometimes it felt good, other times it felt uncomfortable. I noticed it is easier to tell when I get full after my first meal of the day. It is more challenging to identify being hungry and full when it comes to my later meals.

However, this truly is just the beginning. I know with certainty that I've reduced that amount of food I'm eating. I know that I'm more aware of how I'm eating. I felt my underlying anxious today after I ate a late lunch. I felt it again after dinner (it sounds like an imbalance may be taking place in my body triggered by food. This is something I will need to explore in greater depth). Both times, I used tv to help the feelings pass, and for the most part they did. While not stuffing myself isn't easy, it is at the same time nothing like the past where I was white-knuckling it to fight through a diet. I can't help but wonder with all that I've learned and experienced in the last ten weeks, what does the future hold?

Day 48: New Eating Habit in Action

Good workout day! Continuing to move forward, and just a couple days away from level 6. Woo!

More exciting for me today was putting my eating epiphane (see Day 47) into action today. In the morning I definitely felt like a burdern had been lifted. I think part of it was the energy that goes into the obsessing about what I'm eating was now extra energy that I had to think about other things. But just in general I would say that I felt happy that I figured out something that could really change my life. For most of the day I didn't feel crazed to get food into my mouth ASAP. I felt like food was a normal part of my day, a normal non-obsession. It was simply food, enjoyable, nourishing, taking up only the part of my life that it appropriately deserves and nothing more.

I wasn't munching all day, planning food all day, feeling crazed by cravings, or going into food comas...and as far as underlying anxiousness goes it was quite minimal compared to usual.

When I did eat, I ate slowly, I tried to be conscious of when I felt a shift from hungry to satiated, took one more bit, and then I stopped. I simply stopped. I acknowledged that even though I was ending a tasty meal, that I would have another tasty meal later in the day when I was hungry again, and therefore there was no reason to keep eating for fear of not having something this good to enjoy again.

If I did want to keep on eating, I asked myself is this hunger, anxiousness, thirst, fatigue? I was talking to my bf today explaining to him what I'd discovered. I told him how I have different tools-hammer, wrench, screwdriver...all serve good purposes, but I had learned to use a wrench when I needed a screwdriver, or a hammer when I needed a wrench. It just doesn't serve my need to use the incorrect tool. In the same way, eating doesn't meet my needs for anxiousness or thirst or sleep.

It was so key for me to realize yesterday that the feeling of hunger and the feeling of anxiousness are actually two completely separate feelings (even though through repeated habit over many years, I had learned to recognize anxiousness and hunger as the same feeling), and therefore the tool of food only serves to meet one of my needs. This stood out for me yesterday because both before and after I ate dinner I had underlying anxiousness, (but the hunger I could tell was only before dinner). It really helped me realize that food did not make the anxiousness go away, and therefore is not the tool I need for anxiousness. So instead, I took several deep breaths. As cliche as it sounds, I really did slow down and just take a handful of deep breaths. Then I watched TV long enough to let the anxiousness pass and I felt okay again. Now, I'm not saying that TV is the best tool to help with anxiousness, but for now I will take TV and a few deep breaths over food, until I find better tools.

Honestly, I would say I ate between 25% and 50% less food today than I normally eat. This without major struggling, or starving myself, or feeling deprived or wrestling against myself to resist temptation. It felt like a new beginning. And of course I'm also excited to hopefully see weight coming off now as well, since I'll be using both consistent exercise and natural portion control. But, I cannot tell you how equally wonderful it felt to enjoy food as a balanced part of my life, rather than an obsessive part of it.

Stress and Hunger are 2 Different Things

The following is about me trying to understand the multi-faceted-ness of my compulsive eating:

So I was planning on getting take out this evening. However, I needed to shower, get dressed, etc and this would take about an hour. Then I would need to drive, order the food, etc etc. The point is, I was hungry but knew I wouldn't be able to eat for about an hour and a half. I felt anxious and on edge. The best way I can describe having a food craving and not being able to immediately satiate it is that inside I feel shakey, almost like I'm vibrating on the inside and I fear I might eventually pop like a shaken soda. It feels like I will keep shaking unless I get some food in me to calm the shaking and edgyness. Yet it's confusing because I know logically I'm not actually in any danger, nor am I actually shaking. I'm not actually gonna pop, or explode, nor is anything actually going to happen. I'm not at risk of starving even. Anyway, I remember feeling these things, but I got ready, got my food, and enjoyed it (as I feel that no matter what you eat it is important to enjoy it without guilt).

When I was almost done with my meal, but there was still a little bit left I noticed that my chewing had slowed down, my breathing was different (it's hard to recall if I was breathing more deeply more slowly more heavily or more quickly). I don't know what to call this stage exactly. Maybe that's what "full" technically is, but because I equate "full" with being "stuffed" I wouldn't call it full. However, I would venture to say it crosses over into some degree of satiation that I can actually differentiate from "hungry." On rare occasions when I try to be mentally present while eating (versus zoning out) I notice this shift in my eating. But the vast majority of the time I do not because I'm not paying attention. In fact, I am often using food to tune out.

Anyway, I acknowled my transition from hunger to the "shift" and continued to finish the rest of my meal. Yet after that last bite, I suppose I felt slightly disappointed that there was no more tasty food to experience. But I did not want to spend more money on food, even though I could have eaten more. On the drive home I was trying to understand why I would still feel hungry when I had more than an adequate portion (truly I am not being modest or skimping, the portion was plenty to get full off of).

I wondered what part of my body is wanting more food. I enjoyed tasty food without guilt so I didn't really feel like I wanted food because of some forbiden allure (you want you you can't have type situation). Is there some part of me craving food because I'm starved of nutrients? A possibility .... Is there some part of me that has to detox from addictive foods (in the way coffee is addictive, are the foods I'm eating which are chemically addictive for my body?)....again a possibiliy.

I suppose I felt a similar type of shakey-ness that I felt before I had eaten dinner. In my head I asked myself what am I feeling really? Am I hungry? Am I sleepy? The answer came to me...I am feeling anxious. I am not feeling hunger, I am feeling anxious. It's slightly peculiar, but I need to clarify that it wasn't like someone saying, "how are you feeling?" and in response I'd say "I'm feeling anxious". Nope. It wasn't emotional. It was that I was understanding the reaction of my body itself. In that moment I suppose I had a slight epiphane that I was able to separate the physical feeling of hunger, and the physical feeling of anxiousness, and in that moment I understood that these are two separate things.

For example, when we cry, we have tears physically streaming from our eyes. We may be sad or happy or just have an irritant in our eye, but we understand that the physical reaction of having tears doesn't autmatically tell us what our emotions are. We learn how it feels different to cry out of sadness or joy. Over many years, I've managed to fuse the feeling of "hunger" with anxiousness, sleepyness, stress, etc. and so rather than being able to tell them apart and come up with different solutions (get sleep, stress management), I eat to placate all these different needs.

I remember when I was in school I would eat to avoid homework. If I was eating I felt like I was legitimately needing to take time away from homework because I was occupied with something else that was important. When I would come home from school, I would sit on the couch watching TV and would eat for at least an hour because that was the time I felt I could relax and have to myself before my parents came home. When I would get out of class in the later evening, or work in the later evening, I would get fast food and watch TV to help me unwind before going to bed.

My point is just that for a brief moment this evening, I suddenly understood not just logically but on a deeper level, that the feelings I have in my body for hunger and the feelings I have in my body for anxiousness are not the same. The most common reason I over eat is that I am trying to calm my internal anxiousness.

After dinner, I didn't feel hungy. I realized what I really did feel- anxious. What a breakthrough! I'll be honest with you, I dealt with my anxiousness by watching TV. And you know what, it helped my anxiousness slowly fade. As some more time passed I realized I am thirsty, I am sleepy, I miss my bf...I also understood that I was not hungry. Perhaps I couldn't recognize that I was full, but for a change I recognized I am not hungry.

Day 47: Maintaining Motivation

Day 47....check....wasn't easy though. I was really unmotivated today. It was a low energy day. (I had to remind myself that this is normal energy levels are not the same everyday, they exist in a range) My diet didn't work out as I woke up this morning feeling weak, and nauseous and that is not my desire when it comes to diet. It's okay. I gave it a try, I gave it my best intentions, I stuck with it all day yesterday. I tried doing it today and had all my shakes by 10:30 a.m. and still felt nauseous and hungry. So, I ate some food. Not the end of the world I promise, but a little discouraging initially cuz I wanted my stomach to start wittling away. Back to the drawing board.

In the meantime, I'm still working out. Today it was one of those days where I really had to divide and conquer. I once heard an expression, "inch by inch, life's a cinch, yard by yard, life is hard". I literally took like a 20 minute break between doing my right side and my left side on the mat. Took another 20 minutes before I did my cardio. Some moves I only did 10 reps because that was all I could give while still being able to get through the whole workout. BUT, the point is I did it. The point is workout #47 came and went. It means that tomorrow is day #48, and thereafter I will get to day #90 and beyond.

I had to pull on some inspirational music to get me through my second leg. I busted out Shakira "waka waka" Train's "hey soul sister" jason mraz "i'm yours". That's truly what gave me energy again and got me through my left leg lifts.

Anyways, I think I'm gonna go ahead and order meta abcentric. I was really concerned today that 10 days is too quick of a pace for me, because it just feels like my muscles haven't built up as much as they should have for being almost done with level 5. I considered finishing level 5 and then starting all over, because I was just so discouraged with how challenging these workouts are(my bf gently reminded me that Tracy designed it so that with each level you are constantly being challenged). Instead, because it is very important for me to finish this badboy, to keep my promise to myself for once...I am gonna continue through level 9 of omni, then start over again on meta BUT with abcentric. Since I think my abs are a weakness, I think having done omni will really prepare me for abcentric, but at the same time I won't feel like I'm moving into continuity without feeling appropriately fit for it. Excited to keep moving forward, finish, and then tackle my tummy with abcentric. Cheers to staying in the game.

Day 46: Passed the Halfway Point

Officially passed the half-way point of Meta today. Honestly, it didn't feel any different than any other workout I have done in terms of being such a milestone. But, I am certainly over the moon in terms of being proud of myself for actually sticking with something! Truly, I am not a terribly motivated person, I am quite convinced I have ADD and therefore difficulty concentating and focusing on things, I struggle with depression. Yet in spite of all of this, I had a breakthrough where things serendipitously aligned for me, and at the same time I was open and present to seize the moment. I am thankful.

Also did my first day of the diet. The shakes plus dinner totalled 1500 calories which is awesome. It was important to me that I wasn't hungry during the day, and that my dinner tasted good. I accomplished both of these objectives.

Also, with all this fretting over my belly bulge, I was thinking I might complete meta omni, do abcentric meta, and then continue onto continuity after that. I know this is not what Tracy wants us to do, but I'm okay with experimenting to see what works for me. I really think I'm something in between omni and ab, so this seems like a good option.

Day 45: Budging the Belly Bulge with Balance

Wowwweee! Is it possible that I've made it halfway through Metamorphosis?!?! Apparently it is, because here I am and here we are. I just wonder...has it been worth it? Yes, of course it has. You know, I'm okay with my body changing slowly. I understand that diet plays a much greater goal in the actual getting the weight off process, and if I am not dieting one iota, well what was I expecting to happen over the course of 9 weeks, 5 hours of exercise per week? I expected half a pound per week...so I guess I can't complain because I've broken that record...hm...I guess I was I figured I was aiming low, low expectations. High expectations as an end results, but low expectations in terms of how quickly this was gonna happen. You know, for the love of goodness sakes I just want my pants to not be tight in the tummy! I'm not asking to have gone down a size, I'm asking for my pants to simply fit around my waist! Really, for all the work I've put in that doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

It kind of feels like a big joke that I would exercise for 9 weeks, and my belly bulge does not want to budge. It's stubborn and mean. Other parts of my body have shifted. There is definitely an increase in the space between my legs from the knees up to most of my thighs (minus the upper inner thighs). My lower back fat has shifted slightly, and my arms have more tone, and my face has slimmed slightly too. You know, I will still exercise....don't get me wrong, I will. This is the most fun cardio I've ever done. And I find myself stretching my arms and legs out randomly throughout the day in the ways I do in the videos cuz I like feeling my cross vectors in action. I actually really enjoy doing the arm portion of the workout. Abs, I can tolerate. But the leg moves! Ugh, being on all fours feels so degrading and pushing myself is so exhausting...all that to still have my pants tight around my stomach? Poo!

Well, I'll tell you what...I believe that the process is slow, but I still believe this process will work. I don't know how far I can get without dieting, I believe if I keep going I will get better and better results no matter how slowly that comes. More muscle will be built, more calories will get burned.

Booo, sorry for being a downer. This process is a rollercoaster, and I need to be able to see that. I need to be honest, without having an honesty bias toward only the negative. I'm gonna think about diet. Ponder more how I feel about it.

I recall in an interview of some sort Gwyneth Paltrow said it took her 9 months to get good at the method. As far as exercise goes, I will say this is my favorite. And since I want to be the type of person who exercises, I suppose I take comfort in knowing I will keep exercising regardless of how slowly or if I lose weight at all. Okay, for now that's good enough for me. But I will ponder diet and get back to you on that one. (Gotta check out that book Skinny Thinking)

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So here I am again. I got a good night's sleep, I pondered diet, and I came up with an "in progress" solution if you will, a dynamic option to get me going in the right direction.

So! My basic plan consists of 4 different vegan protein/meal replacements shakes throughout the day, plus a salad with beans at night for dinner. Additionally I will have what a call a "balancing meal" for occassions that call for it . Some people would call it a "cheat" but because I want to strive for balance in my life, I am calling it a balancing meal because honestly that's what it is. It is about finding balance in an imperfect world. Sure if we lived out in nature in peace and harmony and ate only nature foods, that would be ideal. Since I live in this world, I want to find balance so I can exist happily as things are, while still striving for something better.

With the holidays coming up (Christmas, Thanksgiving, multiple family birthdays, New Years) I want to sit down to a delicious vegan meal with those I care about, enjoy the festivites, etc etc. I actually thought to myself well, I'll just wait til New Year's when it's more socially acceptable and therefore easier to be dieting. But then...last night I hung out with a gal pal of mine, and had a great time catching up and watching a classic Halloween movie called Lace and Arsenic. Anywho, I was sitting in this super comfy chair that was also kind of sunken in. In other words, any time I would try to shift positions, or get up out of the chair, it was like I was using all my muscles to hoist myself out of this thing (it's just a chair for goodness sake and shouldn't be so difficult. I felt like a rolley polley. I felt the most discomfort in my belly bulge. That's where I felt the weight concentrated and also the least amount of muscle contributing to me getting out of that chair.

I woke up this morning, and my belly was just so protrusive. It always is, but the chair experience really helped me see that what I've gotten used to is actually a discomfort that I tolerate. My belly weighs me down, protrudes, spills over, makes my pants uncomfortable. You see, although I have fat on all my other areas of my body, they just look like I have bigger legs, bigger arms. My belly fat on the other hand is like a separate entity drooping down, and bursting out away from my body. The bottom line is that it's uncomfortable and weighs me down and the chair just helped put clarity to the situation.

Anywho, that's why I feel motivated to adjust my eating at this point (it's also a timely endeavor to start dieting because I'm exactly half-way through meta and feel it is an established habit in my life). The great thing is, it's not like "oh I hate my body, it needs to be punished with a diet". My paradigm is...it's easier to diet and be mobile, it's harder to eat whatever I want and feel immobile. Fantastic!

The other important thing about this diet is that it is super convenient to be able to mix these meal replacements with water and do whatever else I need to do throughout the day. While none of them are mouthwatering meals, none of them taste badly either. It's super nutritious, AND it's not an all liquid diet since I will have a tasty, filling salad at the end of the day. I feel like I have found a great balance in nutrients, feeling physically full not overstuffed, taste, budget, convenience, ability to socialize, not have to go to the grocery store all the time, not time consuming to prepare meals, etc.

Lastly, I'm not feeling deprived or scared. Anytime I need a reminder as to why I'm doing this I just look at my stomach struggling to let go of that extra weight if only I would give it a chance. I feel good, and I'm ready :)

Rest Day: Joyfully Letting Go of the Scale

It is my rest day for the week, and I'm very pleased that I made it through this week with 6 fulls days of working out without feeling overwhelmed or like I'm pushing my body too hard. Hurray for progress!

Anyway, I was at a friend's hosue today, and she had a scale in her bathroom and while my first instinct was to weigh myself, a second instinct came to me and it said...it's okay darlin' you in fact have no reason to weigh yourself. And the thing is, another part of me didn't fight back, instead the two parts of me smiled at each other, hugged and made ammends. I have always felt the need to weigh myself when trying to lose weight. Weighing myself felt like my ultimate reward for all my hard work. What I recently came to discover and unveil, is that in fact in weighing myself, I was punishing myself. As someone who is working on transforming from seeing the glass half empty to half full, I can tell say that whether I lost weight or gained weight, I in the end felt badly (because even if I lost weight I rationalized that #1 The scale might be off and this was a fluke, #2 I might gain it back #3 I'm not losing weight fast enough...what that heck is that?? Those were my thoughts when I LOST weight, so can you imagine what my thoughts were when I gained weight!?

This is just me though, and I do not mean to imply that anyone else shouldn't set weight goals. I have discovered that I have to uncover what truly works for me. Tracy tailors her program to fit out body types, and I've discovered that I must tailor what is offered to me to fit my needs. In this case, it means that my progress is measured by commiting to doing my workouts every day, by continually moving forward, and by continuing to learn and treat myself with kindness. The weight loss will come, and weightloss is still my number one goal when it comes to doing this program. But I'm learning that once I'm aware of my goal, it's really important to shift my focus and energy to the ACTIONS I need to take to get there. I am learning that I have only so much mental and physical and emotional energy to exert, and I don't want to deplete my energy (by weighing myself) I want to utilize the energy I do have for all it's worth.

Day 44: Staying the Course In Spite of...

Did my usual level 5 followed by 20 minutes bootcamp cardio, topped off with 15 minutes bouncing on the trampoline. Today was another one of those days where I had depressing things running through my head. What helped me workout in spite of this? What did I tell myself that allowed me to keep going instead of laying down and watching TV?...

#1 I recoginzed that exercise helps with depression, so it was an especially good reason to keep exercising. Whereas laying down and watching tv serves only to distract me from my depression, exercise does something to help with it.

#2 I reminded myself how short an hour is (particularly when I compare it to an hour of school, an hour of work, an hour of tv), I realize that an hour of exercise is really reasonable.

I know I have mentioned these things before, but it bares repeating because in my experience I go through ups and down, and then ups and downs again. Life lessons aren't learned with a single epiphane, or a single experience. In fact, I am finding that life lesson are best learned when they have an opportunity to be practiced. For me, practicing these thoughts above has helped them to become more automatic reactions. Rather that trying to spend an hour rationalizing with myself before I get myself to exercise again (if at all), my automatic thoughts in this case jump to my rescue and allow me to keep going. Even though one part of myself is struggling, I feel like for the first time another part of me is there to help me carry on, help me pick up the pieces and keep going. I feel like that's a part of growing up and growing older and wiser and growing kinder to myself. I feel like it's an awakening of some sort. We shall see what other life lessons pop up in this journey...

For now I've made it through 9 weeks of exercise! I successfully exercised 6 days this week, and I feel REALLY good about that. I feel like 6 days a week will contribute to greater results. Prior to this week, I would take the weekends off ending my workouts on Friday. But I find that if I can sneak in that workout at the beginning of the week on Sunday, then I still end on a Friday. It feels the same as before when I was doing 5 days a week, but I was able to get more done which is awesome! And being on day 44 means I'm only one workout away from being halfway through metamorphosis (90 days) which is absolutely insane to me to see how far I've come, and the many mini-accomplishments and growth moments I've had. :)

Day 42-43: Breaking Up With the Scale

So...yesterday I had weighed myself and was a bit disapointed that I hadn't lost any weight and had instead gained around a pound. One measly pound in the opposite direction I'm trying to head in. I wasn't devasted, or thrown off my game. I didn't cry or get angry (these are all things I've experienced in the past by the way) . Instead, I had a conversation with myself about how I felt, and I moved on and forward, because the truth is that is all that is in our control at that point.

In contrast to weighing myself and subsequently being disappointed, I later did my workout and I felt great! I pushed myself, and felt the burn, I exclaimed oooofs and owwwws...and the honest truth is that at the end of the day, it didn't matter to me that I had gained a pound! What really mattered was that I did my workout, and I felt strength in new areas, and greater ease in my cardio. I rebounded and felt joy and giddyness (that's what a rebounder and some fun music will do to ya). I even free styled some new moves bouncing on that thing.

The point for me is that life very much continued on in a positive direction after my "setback". Any negative emotions I felt in regards to that extra pound (however much I tried to minimize and rationalize them) took away from my energy. It didn't inspire me to want to work harder and push harder, because I'm already truly doing my best. So it wasn't even about turning a positive into a negative. It was about seeing that FOR ME weighing myself is unhealthy plain and simple. If I lose weight, I'm worried I'll gain it back. If I gain weight, I'm disappointed. This is a lose-lose situation and I don't want to play that game any more. I have no doubt there is a way to have a healthy relationship with a scale, but that's not something I care to put my energy into at this time.

The first time I weighed myself after starting the Tracy Anderson program, it was because I was in the bathroom of a friend's house and they had a scale (I threw my scale out many years ago). The fact that it was right in front of me, was coupled with the fact that I had been doing the program for a few weeks, and I felt like I had not lost anything at all. More than anything, my clothes were feeling as tight as ever. Thankfully at that point, I had indeed lost weight I even though hadn't expected to. That gave me the little extra assurance I needed at that time to know, okay this program IS working.

At this point, I don't need that assurance any more. I've come far enough along to know when I can feel an increase in my endurance, an increase in my energy and and increase in my strength. I've come far enough along to know that I while I won't love every level, I overall enjoy this workout program. I enjoy the way this program makes me move. I'm far enough along to know that I like being the type of person that works out and is in shape. I now know that this program offers me mental benefits too...learning how to commit to something that is challenging but I know is good for me, learning how to be consistent with something, learning how to be more flexible, to be more responsible, to explore my feelings and emotions at an even greater depth, to question where my beliefs come from and if they are helpful or hurtful to me, how to keep trying when things are challenging, that my personal best is good enough...This program has a lot to offer me beyond weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I still plan to keep losing weight with this program, and that is still the number one factor motivating me to keep going. But the desire to lose weight isn't the only thing fueling me.

Weight will take care of itself in its own time. I cannot will a pound to come off at my disposal. I can however choose to exercise, and slowly make healthier food options. These things are in my control. Doing these things empowers me. Worrying about the scale takes away my power, and that is not a good feeling.

The scale is still on my side. It wants to share good news, and celebrate my triumphs. However, the scale only speaks one language, and that is in pounds. But pounds don't tell the whole story. So...my conclusion? I am going to still try to weigh myself after I complete each level. HOWEVER, my bf will look at the weight and record it for me. I don't want to see any of these statistics until my journey is complete. At that point, the scale will serve a great purpose. Once I'm through the woods, then I'll be able to look back and see how far I've come. I will of course want to share my story with others, and pounds are a common language that will be a great tool to explain to others how far I've come to them, and show people how amazing this program is.

At the end of the day, I know my brain will feel more balanced without the scale being a constant in my life, and I am so thankful to have come to that conclusion this early in the game. In this moment, I feel free.

Weigh In: What's the Truth Here?

Whooops, over the course of level 4 I managed to gain a pound. Hmmm....I was nervous before I got on the scale. I thought maybe I had gained some, but I also thought maybe I had lost some and imagined breaking through the 160's into the 150's. I reminded myself that the scale is on my side, and cheering me on for me efforts, the scale wants to support me and wants to see me succeed. This helped calm my nerves a bit. And after all that, I am up to 162.5 which is a 1 pound gain from my previouse weigh in a little over 2 weeks ago.

Well, of course I was slightly disappointed, but I was by no means devastated. I vascillated between feelings of wanting to push my workouts even harder "just to show them, and stick it to the man" (who am I trying to prove myself to?), and thinking "maybe I'll throw in the towel cuz this isn't working after all". Fortunately my brain settled on somewhere in between recognizing the truth of the situation.

The truth is, I haven't made any dietary changes. The truth is, I have been pushing myself and been faithful in my workouts. The truth is I can feel muscle formation and well as the ability to contract muscles in places I didn't even realize muslces existed. The truth is exercising is healthy for me on many levels. The truth is losing weight takes time. The truth is my cardio endurance has improved. The truth is I like being a person who takes care of their body through fitness; I like being a person who works out. The biggest truth that brings me comfort is seeing weight loss as a line graph, starting at the top and moving down diagonally to a lower point at the end, looking like this ( \ ). However, if we were to zoom in closer, we would see there are fluctuations along the way, peaks and valleys if you will...yet the end result is the same, the average is the same.

I know the direction I'm going in, I know that I will continue to get stronger, continue to build up endurance, continue to keep moving forward. Even if I don't lose another pound (which I fully believe I will) I know what I'm doing has benefits beyond weight. A fluctuation is just that, a fluctuation. Last time I may have fluctuated on the lower end of my "average weight range" and this time I fluctuated on the higher end. It's okay, it really is okay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna lie and say I'm happy I gained weight, or I'm unaffected that all my hard work would amount to 6.5 pounds in 8 weeks. No...I'm not Pollyanna.

I don't know, I mean I knew my clothes were still tight, and I didn't think I had lost weight, but to see it in black and white is something else. Hmm....hmmmm....it does feel like this might not ever happen afterall...I dont' have experience to assure me that it will work out at this point. Before, my faith was encouraged because of the results I saw from others, and the results I saw from myself, but what faith do I use to keep me motivated at this point? I guess the answer lies in not using exercise as a weight loss tool, but as a tool for gaining energy, strength, stamina, muscle and health. Same goes for healthy eating...no focus on weight, just the health benefits. Also, it feels good to be a person who exercises, and takes care of their body. It is a feeling of accomplishment in and of itself. Of course weight will probably still be in the back of my mind, in those moments where I'm pushing past the burn, but that's okay. As I separated my diet goals from my exercise goals, I'm going to do my best to take out the weight loss goal, and make it more about health, and fitness.

You know, even for someone like myself who has made improvements in my relationship with the scale, it has become clear to me over the course of my last few weigh-ins that weighing myself takes me away from my target objective which is to complete the program in its entirety. It throws my mind into loop-te-loops. It fosters unhealthy thoughts both during the times I've lost weight and gained weight. So, I'm going to make an oath here in bold black and white...


I PROMISE MYSELF TODAY THAT I WILL ONLY WEIGH MYSELF WHEN I GO DOWN A PANT SIZE.


The good thing about that is, I will know for sure at that point that I've lost weight. Once jeans don't stay on me, I will then go out to buy a new pair and weigh myself. I will repeat this process until I get to my goal of having a lean, fit body without excess weight, and then I don't see the need to weigh myself anymore after that. Since I don't have a scale, I very rarely weighed myself before starting the method anyway. Honestly, I just want to have statistics for my weight loss journey. I want to know what my weight is at the various pant sizes, but in my opinion, and for my personal benefit that is the only time I want to weigh in. Alright, enough with the weight, let's get back to fitness!

Day 41: Level 5 No Reason to Worry

So yesterday I previewed level 5 and was so nervous to try it. I was intimidated, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it! I was scared that I wouldn't be able to keep going with the metamorphosis, that I'd have to start over to build up enough strength to get through it....sheesh! It really was okay, everything went just fine.When the arms were weighted, I was surprised how fast she had us moving, but I just did my best to keep up. Then when I did leg work, I certainly did not do all the reps, but again it was fine. It looked worse than it actually was. I really built it up in my head, but when I actually tried it, it was not bad. I know I'll get better over the course of the 10 days, and again it just comes back to doing whatever is within my personal abilities.

It certainly is not my beloved level 4, but it's okay. Btw, when I woke up I could tell level 4 did some good work for me. Nothing drastic, but subtle muscles waiting to reveal themselves once the fat is burned off. Also, I ordered continuity! So freaking exciting because it's yet another sign that I am continuing forward. I won't need continuity for at least 6 weeks, possibly more depending on how I decide to progress, but I don't want to have to worry about when it's going to arrive as I've heard about many issues surrounding ordering continuity.

Also, I wanted to mention 2 things I did differently when I first started exercising that made a difference. The first is that I didn't tell anyone I was starting a fitness program until about 2 weeks after I had gotten the ball rolling. The other is that I made no changes to my diet, but instead made working out my only priority in terms of weight loss efforts. Both of these were techniques that I hadn't tried out before, and they contributed to me being successful this time. I read about those ideas in a book called Secrets of a Former Fat Girl. I didn't read the whole book, but briefly skimmed it while at a bookstore a few months back. However, these two techniques were so helpful, I'm inclined to read to whole book and see what other useful tips might be there.

Will be doing a weigh-in tomorrow, woo hoo! The wall is my friend, and the scale if rooting for me too!